How should I proceed?
Find a Conversation
| Sat, 04-01-2006 - 4:35pm |
Hello,
I'm 35 and I've been dating someone (44) for about a month. It's been great and we're compatible on many levels. We had sex/made love for the first time last weekend which I thought was great, although neither of us made a big deal of it the next day either positive or negative -- maybe because it was somewhat early in the relationship. Since then, we've been spending time together and he calls often, but I can definitely feel he's distanced himself from the sexual part with me. I have to say, I feel rejected because he's pulled back from the sex and has set a different, slower pace. Yet part of me wants to believe that he's doing this out of sincerity and honestly wants to see if this can be something more, which would be great.
I guess I'm not sure how to take this at this point and thought I'd ask for any advice or input you may have.
Thank you.
Edited 4/1/2006 5:54 pm ET by luky4elle

Pages
luky4elle...
You didn't mention if YOU were the aggressor in the sexual encounter....or if he was? But either way, PG is gonna guess that the man you're seeing probably became slightly "overwhelmed" by the intimacy---after such a short amount of dating time?
SO....during a quiet, relaxed moment OUTSIDE OF THE BEDROOM...why not bring up the subject of sex? Ask the man if he felt that you were rushing him? Or vice versa?
Then ask how the 2 of you can "reset the pace" so you won't be frustrated...but that the 2 of you will be...err...SATISFIED WITH EACH OTHER'S PERFORMANCE?
Pianoguy
Why can't you communicate this with him? Talk to him about how he feels and you will probably get to the bottom of what is bothering him. Not sure why we are afraid to ask questions because if you're anything like me what is in my mind and imagination is far worse normally then what is really going on.
Talk to him.
F
Thank you for that insight. I'll try talking with him about it next time we're together (outside the bedroom like PG says). It was a weird situation in that I was the agressor but he took the lead -- me trying to be a 'lady', him trying to be the agressor... or at least that's what I thought happened that first time around but was just happy to get what I was after in this case. This second time I was trying to get things going again and he wasn't matching my enthusiasm. I took a hint and sort of excused myself from the situation completely that evening feeling hurt and rejected.
I don't know why I couldn't talk to him about it in that moment or even later. I guess I was just focusing on my own feelings of feeling rejected. I think a few days apart will give me a chance to cool down, get some perspective and stop just thinking about my own feelings, and approach a calm conversation with him about it.
It's a weird situation and looking back, I think I've found myself here before but didn't realize it at the time. I feel very drawn towards men sexually that I have good chemistry with. It feels very natural to want to be with them sexually. I guess I just assume they're on the same plane -- perhaps because of all the things society tells us about how men "always want sex". I also think that it'd also be difficult for a man to put on the breaks and say he wasn't ready to have sex. I think in my situation, those feelings he was having were sort of projected on to me, but I was not willing to give in. Geesh, looking at this, I feel like such a sleeze!
It's confusing for me, but I'm learning.
No sleaze at all....just natural feelings and desires that women have always been encouraged to control. I say heck no!!! But unfortunately at times we have to make adjustments to accomodate our partner. Be glad you have found a man that will not take advantage of you in that way. It sounds like he may be one of the good ones. Be patient.
F
F,
Thanks for that support! For me there's this underlying feeling of guilt that is attached to this very sincere and real feeling of wanting to tear his clothes off and just ravish each other. But I do need to be accomodating of my partner, or potential partner in this case. I take responsibility for my own inability to communicate with him my feelings when he seemed to be "putting the breaks on", ...but at the same time, it would be nice for him to verbally explain to me in what way he needs to slow down and change the pace. I see how it's all about communication, which doesn't come totally easy after knowing someone only a month.
I don't know if I've scared him off indefinitely, I really hope not, but it's always a good learning experience for me, whatever the outcome. And it had been over a year since I had sex ...so it *was* fun, even if it was just that once.
Luky
Something else I wanted to add to my post that's been sticking in my head as I'm thinking (trying not to obsess) about this current situation.
He has told me on a couple of occasions that he thinks I seem like someone who is "not ready" for a relationship. I guess this came in the context of me starting to talk about some of my feelings that included feelings of fear -- which I never really thought of as such a clear indication of not being ready but just being a human being. Also, we haven't really discussed anything about our past, not of my choosing, but because of he has made it clear that my past/his past was no interest to him in what we were trying to create currently.
I don't know ...I have to say I'm really curious about the pasts of the people I date, especially at a certain point....it doesn't mean that I think they're the same person or that I want to hear any dirt on someone. I just find it interesting and a way of building intimacy. What do you think? Should this stuff just be put aside when getting to know someone? For me it almost feels strange not to talk about my past at all.
L.
Edited 4/3/2006 5:19 pm ET by luky4elle
luky4elle...
Pianoguy thinks that the only way you can expect a new b/f to reveal all of his past IS if he senses there's definitely a FUTURE FOR THE 2 OF YOU ahead? Of course, that's not a 100% guarantee with each and every man on the planet you might have a desire to be with?
Expecting any man (or woman) to totally "spill their guts out to you" concerning a bunch of EX-WIVES (or EX-GF's) after having only a few dates....is a little naive, don't you think?
Now it's entirely possible that the 'vibes' you're giving off are directly the opposite from the type of woman YOU ACTUALLY ARE? But an interested male has absolutely NO WAY OF KNOWING THIS! All he sees is what you care to share...and his evaluation is based on your words, mannerisms, and behavior!
Ready for one more tidbit?
That old cliche: "curiosity killed the cat" can also apply to men and women! Especially if one (or both) insists on knowing EVERYTHING about a "potential partner" after only a couple of dates together! Knowledge might be power....but knowing too much about ANYBODY too soon....can often destroy a very good friendship.....long before ANY FUTURE RELATIONSHIP can even be considered?
Pianoguy
PG,
I see your point here and I'm sure this person I'm seeing would agree with you on what you say. But I also see this as only *one* way to get to know another person ...but I'm willing to explore this --how I'm currently operating is not working well for me at all. Or at least not with this particular person.
I wouldn't expect anyone to spill their guts before knowing someone, I definitely wouldn't do it myself and don't give out too much information too soon. I understand that there has to be some equal and opposing force to keep things moving in the 'right direction', and I think this is the case in keeping interest and mystery like you say, all part of building interest and sexual attraction and tension. I guess it's my midwestern common sense, part of my personality, there's a part of me that just sees that there's a game in this that's not serving any sort of end other than creating some kind of facade --at the end of the day we're just simply the person we are which includes all our faults, insecurities, triumphs and failures, and all of it is what makes us beautiful and real. If holding back comes from the standpoint of serious security or trust ---i.e. not wanting to give out too much in case the person is a criminal or crazy, then I guess it would just make more sense to me. Maybe it's just a matter of timing, it takes some more/less time to open to the moment, to trust the moment and themselves. Maybe I live recklessly in that way.
L.
I don't doubt you had fun!!! Unfortunately I am not always able to separate the fun and the feelings.
Good luck.
F
We went out again and ended up having sex. Which was nice, sort of weird, I still feel like the agressor here although he does do the bulk of the calling, pursuing, date-setting.
We did have a real date and plenty of time to chat about things beforehand, about some past encounters and boundaries that were set in other relationships. For me, having sex with someone was a natural part of getting to know them regardless if it ended up as a 3-week relationship or a marriage. For him, it hasn't been a part of the getting-to-know-someone process, or at least not recently. The women he has seen in the last years have set some boundaries (one year dating before sex in one case, and three months in the other -- which only lasted 1 month).
So we talked about boundaries --he mentioned that we hadn't set any. I was honest in saying that I didn't really have any when it comes to begin the physically intimate part, but that I would be open to and completely respect any boundaries he had or needed. But my guess is that men probably don't want to set them out of appearing un-manly somehow...
I asked him what *he* wanted/needed -- since he'd been with women that set some pretty serious sexual boundaries, and then me, with, uh, none. My question was: what do YOU want? He responded that he could go either way. Great. He did mention that he wasn't ready for an exclusive committment -- which is understandable and totally rational from my point of view. Although he did say he wasn't into having sex with others, that that wasn't who he was. He said that sex was fine and good, but that it wasn't going to accelerate the rest of the relationship. He also mentioned there was some sort of responsibility that came with having sex with someone. A few mixed signals, but that's alright. I honestly tried to reassure him that that is all fine and understood, but that I still want to have sex as part of the dating process and that I wouldn't hold him accountable for what I choose to do. I hope I'm not pushing him too much ...a part of me tells me (and a part of him tells me) he's not completely ready/uninhibited with the sexual part.
I feel a mixture of ambivalence and fear. I don't want to get too close to this so-to-speak fire. I know how easy it is to get caught off-guard and caught up in the moment and slammed down face-first just when I thought I had my heart under control, ... but at the same time I feel a need to be free to enjoy myself for what this moment is worth (and yes..., would be nice if it's worth something). I'm somewhere floating between "nothing risked - nothing gained" and trying to just enjoy the moment.
Edited 4/7/2006 5:27 pm ET by luky4elle
Pages