How to talk about previous relationship?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
How to talk about previous relationship?
4
Sun, 04-09-2006 - 3:08pm

I just met someone new and will be going on a date with him soon. If the relationship progresses, at what point do I need to tell him about previous relationships?

My previous (and only) relationship was very complicated, and was not a very happy experience. I was manipulated into moving in with my boyfriend, and then I stayed with him for about 2 years because I thought I wasn't good enough to get another boyfriend since he was the first guy who ever showed interest in me. I was only 19-21 years old during this previous relationship, and since then I've matured a lot, learned who I am and what I want, and am much stronger than I was back then. That relationship was such a miserable time that I'd rather not have to talk about it again, but it's not something I should hide from future boyfriends, right? I'm just not sure how much to tell, when to tell, and how to talk about it. I'm 25 now, and it's been 5 years since my last relationship, so I've never had to bring up my past to a guy, but now I'm worried about this since I met a new guy. Thanks for any advice!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2006
Sun, 04-09-2006 - 4:28pm
The level with which you discuss your old relationship will increase with the level of your relationship with the new guy. It is important fairly soon in a relationship to explain that your past relationships have left you hurt and that you want to take it slowly and not make the same mistakes twice. If your new guy asks you questions, answer them, but revealing too much or breaking down emotionally may leave your new guy questioning your stability. As you get serious with your new man, you can reveal more of your past and you will become more connected. At the very least take this advice: If the conversation goes to a point you're not comfortable discussing yet, make sure you say so...do not lie. That will get you nowhere. Anyway, good happiness for this new relationship!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 8:29pm

<< If the relationship progresses, at what point do I need to tell him about previous relationships? >>

First things first. This question may be a moot point, if things don't progress ... right?

So, see how it goes ... and then, reveal as needed. There's no need to disclose a ton of details about past relationships ... the past is the past, the present is all that matters RIGHT NOW ... and the future need only be discussed if and when you know you're with someone you see a future with.

The only relevant thing is to have learned from your past relationship(s) ... and not repeat whatever mistakes were made. Learn from those mistakes ...and move on. In moving on, there's no need to discuss what's in the past. What's done is done.

If there are things from your past that affect your present ... right here, right now ... then, sure ... it's important to explain "here's where I'm coming from and here's why" ... but, that's only necessary when and if that time comes.

True, there are certain things in current relationships that trigger behaviors or memories from our past. It's up to us to manage those upsets or hurts ... because the ghosts of our past relationships are just that ... and the person we're currently involved with doesn't and shouldn't have to "pay" for old wounds.

<< That relationship was such a miserable time that I'd rather not have to talk about it again, but it's not something I should hide from future boyfriends, right? >>

Actually, if you're over it and not carrying those "old wounds" from the past ... no, you don't have to talk about past relationships. It's not hiding anything ... it's just what's done is done ... and it has no bearing on the present. What's most important is that you have learned from the past, and apply it to the present. By doing what you now know ... talking about it isn't necessary, unless it helps you to help him understand you better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 9:02pm

I would suggest that you be completely honest with him. If you attempt to sugar coat the story then he might think you have something to hide and you don't. I think your only relationship was normal for your age range and it sounds like you're a bit embarrassed by it but we all have those stories. Hold your head up and act like you know that you made mistakes in it but that you've matured and ready to not repeat those same mistakes. This new man in your life will not mind if he also is a matured adult.

Good luck!!

F

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 12:35am

I believe your original question is at what point do you need to tell him about your previous relationships.

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