He has kids?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2006
He has kids?
4
Thu, 04-13-2006 - 2:41pm
I recently met a guy via an online dating site. I knew that he had kids and I have since found out that they are 9 and 7 and live with their mother and see him every other weekend. Also, his ex-wife calls him when she takes the kids to the park and he meets them there. I've only talked to the guy twice on the phone and we are planning to meet next week (and I may be jumping the gun a little here) but I'm not sure how I feel about dating a guy with kids. He is 5 years older than me and I'm getting a divorce soon but have no children (although I do want kids someday). I worry a little about jumping into an already made family, how does that type of stuff work, how do I deal with an ex-wife that he is obviously still friendly with, and these kids are old enough to understand what is going on and old enough to hate me and make things miserable. I'm not sure how to proceed with all this. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lakegirl26
Thu, 04-13-2006 - 2:51pm

lakegirl26...

Pianoguy suggests that you end this relationship NOW!

His children and his EX are part of the equation....and if you don't feel comfortable with either, why set yourself up for a fall? Besides...the 7 & 9 year olds will report whatever activities they see You and their Dad doing!

If I was in your position....I wouldn't start dating somebody else until my divorce was final! Because in the eyes of the law, you're still a married woman!

Pianoguy

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lakegirl26
Thu, 04-13-2006 - 3:04pm

I would say that if you aren't able to be open-minded about the issues that dating a guy with kids may bring, that it's probably better that you don't date men with children. It's one thing to confront those issues if and when they arise, but to worry about them at this point, when you haven't even met the guy, is a sign that dating a man with kids isn't for you...and that's fine, everyone has their preferences.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lakegirl26
Thu, 04-13-2006 - 3:28pm
My goodness, you haven't even met him yet and you're already fabricating drama. That fact alone makes it very clear that a man with children is not the right choice for you. Tell him thanks but no thanks and resume your search. He won't want your fabricated drama in his life either.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
In reply to: lakegirl26
Thu, 04-13-2006 - 7:10pm

<< I've only talked to the guy twice on the phone and we are planning to meet next week (and I may be jumping the gun a little here) but I'm not sure how I feel about dating a guy with kids.>>

If you're already having doubts and hesitations about it ... I'd agree with Spice in that it's probably not the right arrangement for you.

Personally, I don't date guys with kids (though I love kids, that's not why). I DO think this is one of those points that you need to know how you feel about it. It's one of your "negotiables" or "non-negotiables" ... for me, it's been a non-negotiable up to this point. Though, if I were in my 40s or up and single, I would probably have to re-negotiate with myself, as the odds of a single guy having kids would increase quite a bit at that point (and at that, I'd only date a guy who's kids were a bit older).

Know how you feel about it ... and stick to it. Since you've never dated a guy with kids, you MIGHT want to give it a try ... with NO expectations, just give it a try. But, if you're not sure ... I'd say, don't ... not if you're projecting the possiblity of it creating a problem.

You'd also have to know that ... going in ... you're not going to a priority over his kids ... that is, if he's a good dad. And if he's not a good dad, would you want to date him? Probably not (who wants a dead-beat dad ... he'd just be a dead-beat BF, right?)

But, it sounds like you're already concerned about the "ex-factor" and her role in his life ... in which case, I'd say ... nope, it's not the right thing for you.