so hurt - pls help me
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so hurt - pls help me
| Sun, 04-16-2006 - 1:09pm |
Hello,
I don't post too much, although I frequently visit the m-boards and have read some great advice posted to other members. Right now I am really upset and could use some advice -
I was dating a guy for almost 7 mos, and things were perfect - we never fought, we both really enjoyed spending time together (although it was only about 1x/week, because we lived an hr apart and he is in his residency and works LOOONG hours...but his 1 night off was almost always spent w/ me, unless he was meeting some of his friends/fam that were in town visiting. Although we never said I love you, the past few mos, I felt really ready to say it, but was scared because I've never said it before..although I was trying to think up a "special way" to say it for the 1st time..in the meantime, I was fine w/ waiting a little longer, because I truly believed through his actions/how he looked at me/treated me that he felt basically the same way. 2 wks ago was my bday and he took me out for a great dinner and got me a very sentimental present and we went to see fireworks - I'm tellin ya, everything was perfect! We even talked about doing things/trips over the summer, etc...Well..yesterday, I returned to my home from a week out of state visiting my family, and he came over to spend time w/ me, and we had a great day...but at the very end of the day, he said "We need to talk..."...I got really scared and I could tell he looked upset, and he kept saying this is so hard...then he said "I think we should probably stop seeing each other..."...I asked why (through tears) and he said "we've been together a while now, and I feel like by now I should be in love w/ u, but I don't feel like I'm falling in love w/ you"...I asked him if there was someone else, and he said no, and I believe him, besides being an honest, good person, he wouldn't have time w/ his work anyway to meet anyone else. I was just so shocked and caught off guard, I didn't know what to say, I wanted to ask him all these questions, but at the same time I felt really pathetic and didn't want to "beg" him to stay w/ me if he didn't want to, but I was just so confused because through his actions he seemed to be feeling exactly the same way as me. I did ask him if he thought in time he might fall in love, and he said he just doesn't see us being long term, and he doesn't want to hurt me by staying together then breaking up later down the road. So he was being honest and trying to be as gentle as possible..I wasn't really angry at the time, just so hurt and confused. He also said he thought we were just too different and he couldn't see us together forever. I said that I thought we were different in some ways, but we shared similar values on what really matters. I believe I asked how he thought we were so different, and he said he thought I was just so sweet and innocent, and his sense of humor is so sarcastic/wise ass, and he "doesn't want me to change"...he looked really upset and he kept saying he thinks I'm the perfect girl, the sweetest girl he's ever met, so pretty, and funny, and he doesn't get it, but just doens't think we're meant to be. I started getting really upset and asked him to leave, and he just sat there, and I couldn't look at him, and I asked him a few more times, and he didn't, so I went sobbing upstairs to my bedroom w/out looking at him..although while I was going upstairs I could hear him crying downstairs..then he left.
I just don't know what to do. I don't want to give up, but at the same time, if his feelings are definitely set and he knows we're not meant to be, then I don't want to be pushy, and I want to eventually move on. But he seemed so confused and upset telling me, that I don't understand how he could 100% want this to be over for good. I have no idea if he'll try to contact me, and I wish I knew what to say. He is so smart, and I have some great traits, but I know I'm not as smart as him, and I just wish I had something "wise" and heartfelt to say to him to try to make this work. Does anyone think I should consider sending him a letter/email expressing my feelings? Again, I don't want to be "pushy/pathetic", but I think our relationship was so special and worth at least a little bit of a fight. I have no idea what to say or do. Any advice/comments/etc. would be greatly appreciated more than you know. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. Happy Easter.
I don't post too much, although I frequently visit the m-boards and have read some great advice posted to other members. Right now I am really upset and could use some advice -
I was dating a guy for almost 7 mos, and things were perfect - we never fought, we both really enjoyed spending time together (although it was only about 1x/week, because we lived an hr apart and he is in his residency and works LOOONG hours...but his 1 night off was almost always spent w/ me, unless he was meeting some of his friends/fam that were in town visiting. Although we never said I love you, the past few mos, I felt really ready to say it, but was scared because I've never said it before..although I was trying to think up a "special way" to say it for the 1st time..in the meantime, I was fine w/ waiting a little longer, because I truly believed through his actions/how he looked at me/treated me that he felt basically the same way. 2 wks ago was my bday and he took me out for a great dinner and got me a very sentimental present and we went to see fireworks - I'm tellin ya, everything was perfect! We even talked about doing things/trips over the summer, etc...Well..yesterday, I returned to my home from a week out of state visiting my family, and he came over to spend time w/ me, and we had a great day...but at the very end of the day, he said "We need to talk..."...I got really scared and I could tell he looked upset, and he kept saying this is so hard...then he said "I think we should probably stop seeing each other..."...I asked why (through tears) and he said "we've been together a while now, and I feel like by now I should be in love w/ u, but I don't feel like I'm falling in love w/ you"...I asked him if there was someone else, and he said no, and I believe him, besides being an honest, good person, he wouldn't have time w/ his work anyway to meet anyone else. I was just so shocked and caught off guard, I didn't know what to say, I wanted to ask him all these questions, but at the same time I felt really pathetic and didn't want to "beg" him to stay w/ me if he didn't want to, but I was just so confused because through his actions he seemed to be feeling exactly the same way as me. I did ask him if he thought in time he might fall in love, and he said he just doesn't see us being long term, and he doesn't want to hurt me by staying together then breaking up later down the road. So he was being honest and trying to be as gentle as possible..I wasn't really angry at the time, just so hurt and confused. He also said he thought we were just too different and he couldn't see us together forever. I said that I thought we were different in some ways, but we shared similar values on what really matters. I believe I asked how he thought we were so different, and he said he thought I was just so sweet and innocent, and his sense of humor is so sarcastic/wise ass, and he "doesn't want me to change"...he looked really upset and he kept saying he thinks I'm the perfect girl, the sweetest girl he's ever met, so pretty, and funny, and he doesn't get it, but just doens't think we're meant to be. I started getting really upset and asked him to leave, and he just sat there, and I couldn't look at him, and I asked him a few more times, and he didn't, so I went sobbing upstairs to my bedroom w/out looking at him..although while I was going upstairs I could hear him crying downstairs..then he left.
I just don't know what to do. I don't want to give up, but at the same time, if his feelings are definitely set and he knows we're not meant to be, then I don't want to be pushy, and I want to eventually move on. But he seemed so confused and upset telling me, that I don't understand how he could 100% want this to be over for good. I have no idea if he'll try to contact me, and I wish I knew what to say. He is so smart, and I have some great traits, but I know I'm not as smart as him, and I just wish I had something "wise" and heartfelt to say to him to try to make this work. Does anyone think I should consider sending him a letter/email expressing my feelings? Again, I don't want to be "pushy/pathetic", but I think our relationship was so special and worth at least a little bit of a fight. I have no idea what to say or do. Any advice/comments/etc. would be greatly appreciated more than you know. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. Happy Easter.

There's a good chance he has a crush on someone he works with. When I did my fellowship, we all worked such long hours and got very close to each other. That TV show, Grey's Anatomy is very real life in a lot of ways. It's very natural to develop feelings for someone you probably never would when you work so closely.
Leave him alone. I bet he'll be back when his crushing is over. He sounds like he's just not ready to be in a serious relationship, but if you walk away and not contact him at all, I bet a million bucks you'll hear from him again, and he'll want to try again. You'll have a big decision to make on that one, but you'll also have the upper hand. Been there, and it's kind of fun, definitely good for the ego.
Have a great Easter too! Do something really nice, just for you!!
Chick
From reading your post, I sense you have a healthy attitude about this. You don't want to be pushy and *beg* this guy to stick around, yet honest about your caring for him deeply. I'd hold off a couple of days before making a decision to write him or try to make contact.
Other posters will have good advice for you, I'm sure. My two-cents is to give it YOURSELF some breathing/thinking room. The one thing that kind of bothers me about how he handled this is that he went on and on about what a great catch you are; sweet, funny, pretty, but yet he doesn't want to be with you! Yeesh, that's odd! Has there been any feeling recently he was distancing himself? Were you exclusive and only seeing each other? In my opinion, 7 months is a long time to have a relationship where you just see one another 1x per week and only for one evening. Personally, I would've wanted things to progress more in that time ...but that's just my own timeline and each person has to decide what's right for them.
He may or may not contact you, so, for me, I would want to prepare myself for either scenario. Take good care!
Edited 4/16/2006 2:07 pm ET by luky4elle