just a first love or true love?
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just a first love or true love?
| Tue, 04-18-2006 - 1:07am |
When I was 16, I started dating a guy. This was my first real relationship, and one of the best I can imagine. We were perfect together, we fought very little, and were open with each other about many different things. I remember the bad times as well, but they were far less than the many great times. We dated for three years, and broke up because we went separate ways to college, and didn't know what we wanted to do in our lives. I am now 22, and it is almost three years since we've been apart (which is as long as the relationship was). We do not talk on a regular basis, and have even gone over a year without speaking or seeing each other. Everytime we see each other lately though, there's a spark, even to this day. We have a mutual understanding that our time together was amazing. I recently had a serious talk with him about the future, and we both said we thought about our futures and what it would be like to be together again. Is there something about a first love that never goes away? Is this something that seems to be good and to be pursued... or to give more time and find that perfect person? I'm scared that in my search for the perfect person, he will have been in my grasp the whole time. I don't want to give up on what could be the best thing that ever happened to me, but at the same time, I don't want to hold myself back. I've always felt this way, and I just don't understand how I can still feel this STRONGLY about someone when I've been apart from him almost as much as we were together. Thanks for all my venting!

There is definitely something super memorable about a first love, especially when the relationship was mostly positive. You broke up, rightly, because you were very young and had to experience your lives. Hopefully you both dated in the interim. It's hard obviously to say whether you have what it takes for the long haul - and you're both still quite young - but I see nothing wrong in spending time together - no commitment at this juncture - and seeing if what you have is nostalgia or a basis to build on.
confused1212...
PG remembers his FIRST LOVE fondly. Actually, most people do! THE FIRST TIME is usually special for everybody!
Unfortunately, few "first times" materialize into "happily ever after" scenerios!
Given the fact that the 2 of you can still speak to each other, I suppose anything 'down the road' is possible? But in the meantime, you might want to grab your dictionary and look up the word: PERFECTION?
What the book may say and who the people you encounter actually are could be completely different??? Why make comparisons? Get to know everybody on their own turf and for the personality each has?
Over time...you can decide which ones are "really in sync" with yours?
Pianoguy
Dear Pianoguy,
Thank you for your response. I appreciate it and absolutely take it into consideration. Many different thoughts have been running through my head the last few months, one that leans to your opinion as well.
In your response to perfect, I guess I should have clarified. I do not mean to use perfection in a way that there are no problems and everything is wonderful and easy. I know what it takes to be in a relationship, in terms of its ups and downs, and obviously no person or relationship is perfect. What I simply meant is perfect "for each other"... and that is what I am looking for. Maybe the term perfect can't really relate to ANY person or relationship, but I feel, at this point, that because my ex and I meshed incredibly well in the past, there's a possibility that we could in the future.
I am wondering if I will feel those feelings as strongly again with someone new, since I have dated other people and nobody has compared. I know at this point in my life I cannot be with him, nor do I want to. I still have a lot of living to do, but what my question was is if I still try to date and wait another 3-4 years to even considering starting this relationship again, would we have a chance based on the feelings we had before? We would have a completely different relationship, and we will have grown so much in that time.
But through the growing we have already done (I'm a month away from graduating college and starting my career), there's still the same unconditional feelings there that will never change, which is characteristic of first loves. I guess just talking to other people that have had first loves and moved on, they moved on knowing they could never go back, which I don't feel. I feel the only way I would move on is to find another person who compares to my ex, and if that's the case, how long should I supress the feelings I have now to find that person?
Thanks again for your response. I'd love any opinions you still may have.
confused1212...
Pianoguy can only suggest (a 2nd time) that you take every man you meet 'at face value' and attempt to appreciate the attributes (personal and physical) that he possesses?
There's no way to 'determine your feelings' until you become completely comfortable with ANY MAN! Infatuation (or a 1-nighter) is easy....but this definitely DOESN'T DETERMINE LONGEVITY!
While a 'passionate encounter' can take as little as 10 minutes..."a long and lasting love" (quoting the Crystal Gayle tune) requires MORE TIME, EFFORT, PERSONAL COMMITMENT, UNDERSTANDING and (naturally) TRUE LOVE!
Pianoguy
hi there
saw your posting. you should not give up. i never will understand this notion of giving people space or is it too early to call...know what i mean? if he was your 1st true love and you guys now feel the same way or have that spark, why deny it?
My g/f of only 3 mos ended it b/c she is not ready for a serious relationship and she just got out of one. I never mentioned about a serious relationship but I talked about the "future" here and there and I think, no I know that has to be a huge reason why she realized that she thought she was leading me down a path she was not ready for yet. We were having a great time and I took that for granted. Even only after 3 mos of dating, I thought to myself that she was always going to be there and no matter how much I talked, it was just "conversation." I failed to ask her how she felt and focused on my feelings instead.
Point is, dont take it for granted. If you feel he is your 1st true love and you guys reconnected, then go for it. You are still friends with him from what you said so that built up over the years.
For me, she says we are still friends and will keep in touch. That usually means never seeing the person again unless you make the 1st step to show you want to remain friends after dating. its hard and i have never done it. But she is special and I can only hope I guess that one day she will be like you and your 1st love realizing that what I have with her is more than just "liking each other."
You wont know if its true love until you talk with him. Is it scary? Hell yes. I am scared to death that I will lose her and its just been 3 mos! But she is not like any woman I have ever met. She opened that "door" i have been looking for an I finally understood what she and probably all my dates in the past were trying to say to me. And I got it. But I got it too late I guess.
I agree w/ you 100%; dont give up. One day soon I am going to do the "Jerry Maguire" re-enactment and somehow win her back. For me, its more than just liking her. I fell for her...fell really hard for her.
Good luck and go for it.