What should I do now????

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
What should I do now????
5
Fri, 04-28-2006 - 1:37pm

Has anyone ever experienced this before.....

I have been dating my BF for two years. I have been madly in love. I have dreamed of being married to him in a normal relationship. I have been struggling with my desire to have the relationship move to the next level. He has told me that he wants to live as a family one day soon also and he says he loves me very much. However our relationship continues on the same, with me in my home and he in his. Just recently I got really tired and I decided to just give up the struggle. I decided that maybe he really isn't the one for me. I figured if things are this difficult to move ahead then may be it just isn't meant to be. I told him how I felt, that it was not an overnight decision but a process of thinking about how hopeless things seem and and that I need to be free to find the life that I want for myself. I figure if after two years he doesn't know if he wants to live with me then he will probably never know. If I am alone in the evenings it is because it is my choice and not as a result of waiting for him. I have felt lonely in this relationship.

So now he has said he wants us to see a couples counselor, that he really wants to make it work, that he is completely surprised to hear this etc. etc. blah blah blah.....Here is the problem. After all this soul searching and decision making I have really lost my desire to be with him. I "talked myself out of the relationship" and his ambivalence has caused me to lose some respect for him. I still think he is a great person. He is loyal and decent and kind. He is hardworking and dedicated to his job. But I just don't think I can get it back and this is why I am sad.

What should I do now????

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Fri, 04-28-2006 - 2:31pm

I think you are doing the mature thing and letting go. This guy had two years to go forward with the relationship. I dont know how old you are but looks like you feel you are at age where just waiting around doesn't feel good. I think most people know if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone the minute they meet. Others can take a while but two years is more than enough.

I'm not in your shoes, but from what you have wrote you seem disapointed and not much in love. Why bother trying to save a dying relationship, go find a new relationship and something that will make you feel GOOD about YOUrself. BEing in a crappy relationshop can take a toll on your emotions and your body. Take care of YOU! Good luck!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-28-2006 - 2:45pm

I would give it at least some counseling sessions so you can look yourself in the mirror down the road and be able to tell yourself with a straight face that you did everything you could to fix the relationship.

I think you'll regret it down the road if you don't at least *try*.

I know I regretted not trying to do more to save my marriage before ending it...not that I think the outcome would have been different, but because I would feel better now knowing I'd done all I could.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Fri, 04-28-2006 - 5:10pm
Thank you so much for your input. The thing I ponder is ...who wants to start a relationship going for counselling. I agree if you are in a marriage and trying to avoid divorce, and you have children and mutual assets involved then counselling is the right thing to do. However we haven't gotten to second base here yet! We are only dating...two years into this thing and tne fact is until now I did not even want anyone else...no one else would have done it for me. I just don't feel like that anymore and the fact I don't feel like it anymore that I can't really face counselling at this point...don't want it is what is making me sad. There was a time when I would have been very up for any way to make it work but I'm exhausted ...outta steam. Maybe I just need a break.
Anyway thanks so much for your feedback it is always good to get another perspective!
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-28-2006 - 5:36pm

Ah, ok...I have a very different view of counseling at this time, and would not consider getting married again without going to counseling first, and I personally would now go to counseling to save any relationship that was significant to me, regardless of its length (and anything that had lasted 2 years would be significant to me).

But if you don't feel it's worth trying, you don't...then why waste the time and money? Let him go so both of you can move on to finding someone who's right for you.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2006
Sat, 04-29-2006 - 8:53am

Hi there. I think you made a very wise and insightful point here:

"I "talked myself out of the relationship" and his ambivalence has caused me to lose some respect for him."

..and that you go on to say you can't "get it back". I totally relate to this. For me, if a relationship hits that point, getting back on track becomes not only about the original problems, but the fact that respect and trust had been lost. Which becomes kind of a separate issue.

My opinion is that going to counseling would be a good idea to try. And you have to admit, it says something good about his character that he's wanting to seek outside help for this. You'll probably know relatively quickly, maybe after only a few sessions, where the two of you are in terms of a plan to actualize taking things to the next step. With that new information you can make more informed decisions about what actions, or inactions, you want to take. I would say you have more to lose by not doing it (the wonder, the possible future "what ifs") than giving it an honest try.