Online Dating and Not Wanting More
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| Sat, 04-29-2006 - 10:36am |
I was reading the previous posts and ran across a comment about men who just want emails, msn and no desire to go forward. Thought it would be an interesting topic since it isn't just males who fall into this, and for myself I've been able to figure out why I used to feel that way.
Going beyond the concept they are married or in jail, some people are just happy with having an online relationship... for the most part. I did for a while, but decided to try and figure out if that is what I really wanted the rest of my life and if not, what did I want. Surprisingly, I've discovered there are men that feel similar to myself and would like the same type of relationship I desire.
I don't want to be married again, even the thought exhausts me. I need to have my own life, and be able to hide out in my cave. This is where I rejuvenate and reflect. I do love talking and doing things with men, BUT not all the time. I have goals, desires, and interests which are important to me and past experience tells me it is more of a struggle to do these things when it just isn't me I have to consider. I've even had to give up some of them as it wasn't in the best interest of the family, but now that I'm pursuing them again... I won't give them up again. I love my indepedence and freedom. The problem with just staying online is there are some major disadvantages such as having someone to do things with that shares the same interests and intimacy.
I can remember thinking I would make a good mistress, he can come when I want and leave ;). Problem is, him being married isn't good for anyone. Another issue I was having is multiple partners, I don't want them, or him having sex with more than just me.
My solution was to be upfrount from the beginning of what I was looking for. I want a permanent boyfriend and friend. No marriage, no living together, have our own lives, interests, finances, and friends; but also share friends, do things together, and be the only one we are intimate with.
I understand there are no guarantees I would be the only one he sees, but there never is... even in a marriage. I would hope there is enough of a friendship and respect that this is something he would tell me if he decided to be with someone else as well. And, since I am taking things very slow to ensure I am with the right person - there is the respect, trust, and friendship before moving into this, then it reduces the chances that they wouldn't.
My other thought, doesn't matter what people think of this or not. If it works for the two of us, we are not hurting anyone, and we are happy, is all that matters. *snicker* Had to use the cake emoticon, since I want my cake and eat it too :).
Cheryl

I think there are a LOT of men out there who want a "sex and companionship" relationship such as you describe, so I doubt you'll have any trouble finding one.
I've been grappling with whether I should settle for that, since that's all the men I meet seem to be offering...but I want more (a serious LTR leading to marriage) so it's a hard pill for me to swallow to settle. I envy you having decided that's what you want, because you're very likely to find it.
Sheri
Don't settle. Is one thing I've learned, if anything. Even though what I want is different, I won't settle for someone who wants more than one woman, doesn't have some of the same interests as me, or really wants marriage, etc.
Cheryl
Cheryl
Loonar Gifts
My Blog
I know, settling isn't really what I want to do, but honestly, after 9 years of dating since my last LTR ended, 100s of dates, and 6-7 relationships of varying length from 2-18 months, I'm tired of dating and of being alone and I'm thinking that compromising on my desire to be married again is preferable to being alone. I have a great, full life, but I really want someone special to share it with. Not that there's any guarantee I'll meet someone I want to spend time with even without having marriage as a goal, but it does open up the field some.
Sheri
Sheri,
It is an option to consider, but I also think a lot of guys may think that is what they want but it isn't really what they want. I bet you I will run into more guys thinking, that is cool I could handle that... then, well why would she not want to live with me or marry me. Does she think I am not good enough? What is wrong with her? lol
In actuality it hasn't anything to do with them, but everything to do with me and where I am in my life, what I need to do for myself, etc. I can give him all the love and passion, but I have never really lived by myself, done things for myself, and I need to learn a lot. I also have goals and dreams which I need to do and I need the space and time to do them. I had the house, white picket fence, husband and 2 kids - been there and done that, now it is time to have a different life. Finally, between work and family, I need my own place to hide out and rejuvinate.
The thing is I do realize that having someone special in your life is wonderful, and I have a lot to offer as well. Besides, it goes against my character to live like a nun. I also know that when it starts to move into dirty socks and financial issues, it can cause all sorts of problems that I don't want to spend the time trying to resolve.
So as you can see, this decision is all about me and I am happy with it. I think that is what you need to consider, settling for something because what you want hasn't manifested isn't going to make you happy when you get it.
Cheryl
Cheryl
Loonar Gifts
My Blog