Need Followup advice
Find a Conversation
| Sat, 04-29-2006 - 4:20pm |
Last week I sent an email to the man I was seeing because I was not sure about his interest level. We ended up seeing each other again. In fact, he cooked dinner for me at his place that day. He was a great host and a real gentleman. We had a good time talking but by the time we moved from the table to the living room, his energy level went way down. He started yawning and stretching and mentioned a few times that he had to get up early for work(he's a trucker and works 12-hr days:-(... I took the hint and left (although he said I didn't have to leave). We hugged and kissed (I don't know which of us initiated that-- maybe me) just before he walked me to my car.
We've talked every day since then but I'm not really sure what to make of this. He didn't call me last night ( I REFUSED to call him this time- on a *Friday* night). He called me this morning at 7;30 am (I start work @ 7)which he's NEVER done befofe but I did not answer my cell. I did call him at 11:30 and he said he was at the doctor's office and would call back. That was 4 hour ago. I know he wants to take things slow but to be honest, I've never been in a situation where the man has not made a move after one date. *** quick background: We met online a almost 2 months ago, had our first date on the 4/14 and the second date about 10 days later. It's not that I want him to make 'a move' it's just that I don't know how to handle someone actually 'going slow' with me.
He called me after I left his place (to keep me company on the ride home :-) and said that he was glad we did not kiss until I was at the door. Is it possible that he's the real deal or is he just stringing me along?

Pages
What do you mean by "make a move"? Isn't kissing making a move?
How many dates have you actually had? Was this just the third one? Kissing sounds about right for just the third date, at least for me. You only met him two weeks ago (it doesn't count until you meet in person, IMO).
Have you talked with him in general about what he's looking for in a relationship to see if you're on the same page with what you want?
Oh, and are you continuing to meet and date other people (you should, IMO, until you reach an agreement to date exclusively with someone).
Sheri
Edited 4/29/2006 4:34 pm ET by northwestwanderer
Well... it was actually the 2nd date(there's only been 2). One the first date he told me that he was looking for companionship and stability in a committed relationship so we are both on the same page there. You make a lot of sense... .
I will continue to meet and date others because I get the feeling he still is -in spite of him telling me he cancelled his 'match' profile after our first date. We went out initially on a Friday night and he hasn't been available on the 2 Friday's since. I'm assuming he might have dated last night because he didn't call me at all. Last friday he was having problems with his stomach and had to go to the ER. Today when I returned his call at 11:30 he said he was at the Doctor's (I'm assuming a follow-up appt) but he hasn't called me back. I'm wondering if he's upset that I didn't call him last night (and thinking the *I* went on a date). About an hour ago I sent him a friendly text message asking him if he was OK and he hasn't responded. His behaviour is kind of baffling to me. Do I need to tell him that I am going to continue to see other people? Or just continue to do so? From the way our conversations have been in the past, it didn't APPEAR that he was seeing any one else. Also, when I emailed him last week, he called me RIGHT AWAY and said that he was still interested. The lack of communication on Fridays/Saturdays is bothering me.
I will date others but I really like this guy and want to get it right. Even if we DON'T end up together, I just want to at least know that I'm not making any stupid mistakes that will chase him away.
No, you have no obligation to volunteer to him that are dating other people--in fact, I personally find it tacky when a guy tells me that he is without me asking. The default assumption is that you're both dating other people, unless you expressly discuss and agree otherwise. If he asks you a direct question, then sure, tell him but not until then.
I personally don't think that expecting him to be in touch on the weekends when you're not exclusive and have only had two dates is reasonable but of course you need to determine what's acceptable to you.
And remember, you can't make any "stupid mistakes" with a guy who's right for you...or rather, if you do, he'll forgive you!
Sheri
Thanks, Sheri
Now... can you -or anyone- give me any insight as to why HE would call me at 7:30 in the morning (on a SATURDAY)??? He didn't do it last Saturday when I called him that past Friday and he didn't respond. I purposely made a point to not call him this time. The reason being that I didn't want him to think I was sitting around dateless every Friday night. I feel like he gave me the brush off yesterday. Is it because I didn't call him this past Friday AND did not respond to his missed call until 4 hours later?? I still haven't heard from him and I'm about ready to write this off as 'another one bites the dust'.
Kim
Who knows...maybe he had a window of time early in the day and took a chance of calling to see if you were available to have breakfast with him or something like that.
It sounds like you're doing a lot of projecting and assuming rather than just waiting and seeing. Yes, he may be giving you the brush off but you don't KNOW that yet.
Why do you feel you have to "write him off" or not? Why not just leave it, "if he calls, he calls and if he doesn't, he doesn't" and go on with your life?
Sheri
You know what? Your response **It sounds like you're doing a lot of projecting and assuming rather than just waiting and seeing** just made me realize something: I've been told in the past that I have a tendency to OVER ANALYZE things. It really IS the analyst(technical) in me :-)) I'm going to use this situation as a learning tool. THANK you for helping me twice!!
K
As a guy, when I read your posts they came across as so critical for only 2 dates that I questioned why you would have any interest at all in this man. What would he have to do, to do right by you?
Yes, you are over-analyzing to a very intense level. Please try to relax and enjoy the time you spend together.
Sounds like you've gotten the "jist" of things from Sheri's response ... try not to project or assume, or OVERANALYZE. Because, for example, when you said << Now... can you -or anyone- give me any insight as to why HE would call me at 7:30 in the morning (on a SATURDAY)??? >>
Why he would call at 7:30 is soooooooooooo not the point. He called. That's the point. Why he called is a moot point, after all ... that's what you wanted ... for him to call you, right? If you spend your waking hours trying to analyze a man's reasons this way, you'll sincerely just give yourself a big 'ol headache.
So, when I read things like "why would he call me at 7:30 in the morning?" ... the first that pops into my head is "sheesh, guys really are darned if they do, darned if they don't" ... you wanted a phone call, he called. But, you're second-guessing or questioning the TIME of the call. Please, spare yourself this level of analyzing. It will only hurt your head. LOL.
As for insight, my guess would be that that's when he had a window of opportunity! Without knowing what you said (or did you not answer?) ... perhaps he wanted to go to breakfast or something like that.
Re: << He didn't do it last Saturday when I called him that past Friday and he didn't respond. >>
This is another example of assumption or projection. In your mind, it would MAKE SENSE for him to return a phone call on a Sat morning, in reponse to a Friday call on your behalf. But, since you did NOT call that Fri, and he called on Sat morning ... your logic dictates that a Sat morning call wasn't called for ... that there wasn't a REASON to call on Sat morning since you didn't call him the day before.
Forget trying to figure out another person's logic or reasons. Just take things at face value. If, at face value, a phone call is what you wanted ... then, that's what you received.
<>
I'm not clear on who called who last ... but, if his missed call to you was the last contact ... then, the ball's in your court. Did he not leave a message?
I really appreciate your response and I've already learned so much from this experience. Initally, when he called that Saturday morning, he did not leave a message. By the time I called him at 11, he was at the Doctor's office and said he would call back. He never did. I haven't had a conversation with him since last Thursday and he hasn't called me back. I've left him voicemail and text messages and he hasn't responded so at this point I have choice but to assume he is no longer interested. It stings a bit but I think I brought this on myself and I will do better in the future.
Why do you think you brought it on yourself? Can you clarify what you mean by that?
Nothing you say or do is going to make a guy who's not right for you, right for you, or vice versa.
Or do you mean you got too attached to the outcome, too soon? That I would agree with.
Sheri
Pages