Is he into me at all or is it bad timing
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Is he into me at all or is it bad timing
| Sun, 04-30-2006 - 5:21pm |
So I have been dating this guy for 4 months now. He's in an industry where his job is really demanding and it's on a project by project basis type of thing. Before when we were started dating..He did not have a job so we hung out 4 times a week at least and at one point he said he freaked out when I walked out on him when I was angry at a comment he made and broke up with me ( saying we were going way too fast knowing he'd have a crazy work schedule ahead). a week later he wanted me back saying he can't stop thinking about me and warning me about his crazy schedule saying relationships have failedin the past becasue of it. We have been dating for 2 months more since...Well I know he's busy with his career and it's beginning to pick up. He works insane hours like from the morning at 6AM to 1:30AM and often a times he will come on out after work so he can see me if I am out at a party or something. he has done this a lot to my surprise and that's when I think he really cares about me..I pushed the exclusivity talk with him and he said we were exclusive but it wasn't a happy we are exclusive more like..." I don't want to date anyone else and I don't want you to date anyone else.very matter of fact not heartfelt from my point of view....Well I went on set with him to see his job and now I realize how demanding it is...I was on set with him when people would ask him if I was his girlfriend and to that...we would have uncomfortable pauses and he would say ..this is my girl.My gutt tells me he felt cornered. He did this a couple of times and there were times I felt like I was just a bystander and such. He never says I am his girlfriend and I am beginning to think he is dating me because he doesn't have time to date anyone else and it's making me sad. I am really starting to fall for him..I feel I have been very catering to his career and I am starting to be resentful.He does call everyday really late when he's done with work and I am finally able to feel I can tell him anything without him freaking out but I'm at my witt's end with the whole entire..." she's my girl" but not my girlfriend... How do I confront this head on. Do I break it off to see if he will chase after me? Do I just remain aloof to see if he comes back? If so for how long? It's been 4 months and I heard some people especially guys need time to commit to a girl but by 4months shouldn't he be inspired to already? Is it just bad timing and he of course had to put his career before me..do I wait it out? The end result is to fall in love and get married which I know at 4 months is too soon but I don't want to be strung along and if he is in fact just doing that how do I know? Please help and thanks you.
Edited 5/1/2006 2:58 am ET by natash9
Edited 5/1/2006 2:58 am ET by natash9

natash9...
Pianoguy knows you'll hate this response...but YOU'RE PUSHING THINGS MUCH TOO QUICKLY!
You've been dating a man for only 4 months and you're considering marriage to him??? You CAN'T be serious?
After being out of work for 2 months, your b/f has landed a job and is earning an income. While his work schedule might not please you....it doesn't seem to bother him a bit! So are you suggesting that he choose YOU over his job? That's not a good 'vibe' for any woman to give a man...especially if she eventually wants to marry him?
Besides...most men who are "caught in a trap" , will usually dump the woman...and take off!
WHY?
Because we don't need the unnecessary grief!
Most of us try to find a woman who can understand that our work often takes priority over our social life? We're looking for a wife who can be a "loving, caring, supporter for us" as well as for the work we choose to do! And in exchange, we try to show her our appreciation in various ways.
So when a woman hands us 'ultimatums' like "PAY A LOT MORE ATTENTION TO ME OR I'LL LEAVE"---we'll probably let you go?
Now if you feel the relationship the 2 of you are currently in is "one sided"---in which YOU are doing all the work in order to keep it alive---spend at least a few weeks away from each other and then see if anything happens on his side? He might miss you enough to see if his work schedule can get readjusted? Then again...he might do nothing!
But here's the one issue PG DOESN'T UNDERSTAND about your post:
Why do you feel that a man should become 'inspired' to marry a woman...after only dating her for 4 months?
This makes no sense at all to me.
Pianoguy
Hello again, natash9...
PG is glad that you're not too upset by his previous response to your original post.
I sense your desire to be a wife...and perhaps a mom? It's the desire of many women. But your time frame to 'pull this act together' ISN'T realistic.
Very few men...unless they need companionship desperately....will marry a woman they've dated for only a few months. You might feel like you're being taken for granted, but it's entirely possible that the man you're currently seeing doesn't like the idea of feeling "RUSHED!" And this is the reason you are the 'girl he's with'...but not his fiancee!
Having said all this, I think your desire to be a wife is considerably stronger than his desire is to be a husband...at least for now? So whether you're willing to devote at least a year of your life with the hope that things will eventually turn out the way you want them to----or just call it quits NOW----are the choices you have!
But try to remember one thing....PLEASE???
Most of us aren't going to become "really serious about marriage" to anybody until we're 100% sure that the woman we're with is TRULY the person we WANT to share our life with.
Pianoguy
Natash9,
I don't think being strung along and taken things slow can be said in the same sentence. Strung along is when the individual knows what you are wanting, and "pretends" they want the same with no intent to reach that goal. Taking things slow is moving through the steps of getting to know someone really well to make sure they are the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. This is critical, or as quickly as you rushed into a marriage you will be out of it. I totally agree with piano guy, but think that maybe it would also be beneficial if more energy was directed at doing the things you enjoy (hobbies & interests). I'm not sure but it sounds as if getting married has been placed as the top priority and if so, it isn't good to wrap your life around anyone.
I am seeing a lot of flags, but mostly where you are expecting him to follow your schedule and what he should be doing or there is nothing (relationships are give and take). Being taken out for dinner every week doesn't imply a serious relationship, neither does a label placed on someone. I understand if these things make you feel secure in a relationship, but how he treats you, looks at you, how interested in what you think and say, and if he contacts you, should give you bigger clues. But I think not being able to sit down and discuss all this with him should imply to you where you really are in your relationship. IMO, a real relationship involves being able to share your feelings and thoughts, respect, compromise, communicate, etc.
When I read your post I want to run - way too fast even for me. If I was him I would be feeling very pressured and think that the relationships isn't evolving naturally - must be doing this at a certain time, like there is a schedule.
Think about things and what your looking for and need. Talk with him and really listen to where he is at, then go from there.
Cheryl
Cheryl
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I don't see the difference between "my girl" and "my girlfriend". To me, they're the same thing. You may not have liked his lack of enthusiasm when he was asked the question, but it's probably because you two haven't dated that long and he's not ready to make a full blown commitment. He may have also felt that the question was intrusive. You also mentioned that he didn't have a "heartfelt" response to your agreement of exclusivity but that may be because you expect him to respond in the misty-eyed romantic way that you respond, and he's just not that type of guy.
I don't see why you leap to the conclusion that he's only dating you because he doesn't have time to date anyone else. That doesn't really make sense. It seems that he's making the best effort he can to talk and spend time with you given that he works so many hours. I think you need to relax and don't play any games like breaking if off to see if he'll chase you or act aloof to make him wonder. If you aren't getting your needs met, be honest and discuss it with him, but don't play games and expect him to read your mind about what you want from him. If you do talk to him about it, don't "confront" him because he hasn't done anything wrong. Just ask him how he sees your relationship and go from there.
Oh, goodness!
Honey, calm down. 4 months is not that long... You have a guy who works like crazy and STILL calls you after a 15-16 hour work day!!! I rememeber in college when I had only 5 hours to sleep at night for days, and honestly all I could think about is sleep, but he makes time for you. Appreciate it, cherish it.. As for the marriage, ask yourself, if you are absolutely sure you can make vows to spend the REST of your life with him, then expect..From what you are describing, sounds like you are his girlfriend (my girl is just a synonim) and he is making lots of effort, so all seems good.
Take it easy :)
Only you know how YOU feel about the way this man is "treating" you. You decide what's enough for you. You are entitled to your feelings and you could be absolutely right in feeling that he is taking you for granted or that he's not paying enough attention to you, or that he is holding back. Maybe he hasn't made up his mind about you. That can be very painful when you are already fairly sure you're falling in love. The bottom line is that a real relationship takes two. You can't manipulate or rush someone into feeling more for you than he does.
I'd say from what you describe that this man IS into you. But nobody can tell you (except him) to what degree. You say he always calls you no matter how late he's been working. He allows you to come to his WORK SITE. That could be something that he does with ANY woman he is dating, but it also could be something he is doing especially for you. You could ask him.
No matter what, I don't think it's helpful to push and whine about his lack of enthusiasm. That's not going to change his mind or change is work schedule, and it just might push him farther away. He isn't calling you his "girlfriend" because A) he isn't ready, or B) he doesn't feel comfortable with the term. You've already agreed to be exclusive. If you feel in your gut that he isn't serious about that, then it's up to you to either END the relationship or calm yourself down and go with the flow.
I will say that the calmer you are the more a man is likely to pursue you. But your easy-does-it attitude has to be REAL, or he will see through it.
As others have suggested, you need to stay busy on your own. But no matter how full your "other" life is, a man who is dating you exclusively should still spend quality time with you, and he should meet you halfway in terms of emotions.
Give things another 2 months. If he still isn't reacting appropriately toward you or making enough time for you, then you should probably look elsewhere. I know it's never easy to walk away from someone you really care about and want. But it's better to face reality and cut your losses as early as possible and save yourself extra grief and wasted time.
Good luck and take care.