Update - Thank you all, But He's Gone...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2006
Update - Thank you all, But He's Gone...
26
Fri, 12-15-2006 - 9:19am

Hi all,

Well I just wanted to thank you all for all your good advice and most of your support with all my posts on the Washington DC/NY thing… I know I have some unresolved issues and I'm going to look into getting some help for that as some of you on the boards suggested, but I just wanted to give you all an update on this…

I never heard from the guy, he never answered the 1 voicemail I sent on Wednesday or any of the multiple texts I sent on Wednesday night or yesterday. I did only send one voicemail, and I did not send him any emails or email on his myspace, however I did make the foolish mistake of sending him multiple text messages (I'm a text message junkie)… In total of those 2 days I sent about 8 (I know that's absolutely ridiculous) and I'm so embarrassed now. I sooo wish I could just take those all back, but I cant. But anyway, regardless, for some strange, unknown reason, he just vanished and stopped talking to me. Its really bothering me, but I'm not going to contact him anymore. I even left my phone home today. I know its only been a little while, and I've only known him for a little less than a month, but for some reason I still feel really horrible about this… I even came home and went to bed at 5:30 and didn’t really get back out until I had to get up for work today. And I just feel like crawling back into bed when I get home today. I don’t know, it just bothers me that people can show such interest in you and then just *poof* vanish into thin air, without so much as a text message, not taking your feelings into consideration one bit.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Fri, 12-15-2006 - 9:26am

Getting a man to commute from Washington DC to New York to come see you when you won't drive down to see him is a bit of a tall order. I think you might have been asking for the impossible. I was impressed that this man did as much visiting as it was.

Let him go and you'll feel better in a few days. Cool it with the text messaging, but you know that already.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2006
Fri, 12-15-2006 - 9:41am

Hi,

No, I did in fact even ask him if I could come visit him sometime. I told him I would either take a train or fly or something. So that wasnt the issue. I was willing. I just didnt want to drive. But he said I could, I just couldnt stay at his place (I thought that was a little weird). He said his roomate and gf are there too and they would be bothering us trying to go out together. He said when his mom comes she doesnt even stay with him. No, I dont buy this, I do think something was up there, but my point is no, I didnt expect him to do all the traveling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2006
Fri, 12-15-2006 - 11:05am
Hi, I responded to you on the Ask Mr. Man board also. This guy could've been either married or in a serious relationship too. I never trust it when a guy doesn't want me to come to his house. He's hiding something all right.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-15-2006 - 12:12pm

hi yellowlablover1...

Pianoguy has made it NO SECRET that he hates text messaging. .

I truly hope you can find some happiness in 2007?

Since you're probably going to be spending a "BLUE CHRISTMAS" and a quieter New Year than you'd like...why not seriously think about how much effort you're willing to put into any future relationship. Long-distance travel is often "the terminator" for many partners!

Simply because at least one half of a couple WANTS the person he or she loves the most...TO BE CLOSE BY?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Sat, 12-16-2006 - 2:21pm

Please disregard my other posted reply to your previous post about bill-splitting.

Sorry to hear about his disappearing act. It seems to be going around alot these days. I didn't catch whether or not he didn't want you to visit him. It really doesn't matter because I had a friend who was invited to a potential long distance beau's home and they had a marvelous weekend only to find herself where you are right now.

You see, as women, we usually look at a man's behavior to tell us whether or not they are interested in us (i.e., asking us out on a real date, picking up the bill, traveling to see us, etc.). It seems that we cannot count on those old time favorites that our mothers used. Times have changed and men, I am sorry to say, are enjoying pulling the rug out from under women lately. It is a disturbing trend I see in the singles scene. It seems as though dating will become a crap shoot and you won't know if someone wants to stay in your life until you see the relationship endure to a ripe old age.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2006
Sat, 12-16-2006 - 11:26pm

You are so right snafu. It is getting very hard to tell how a relationship is progressing by a man's behavior. One day things are going great and the next day a guy will disappear. I can't tell you how many similar stories I read on these boards. I had it happened to me 3 or 4 times this year. They will give all of the signs that they are interested and then poof! they're gone.

YG

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Sat, 12-16-2006 - 11:34pm
How did you handle the situation, if you don't mind me asking? What did you do? Did any of the men in question provide any information as to why they did what they did?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2006
Sat, 12-16-2006 - 11:49pm

Well, the first guy ghosted after 3 months of dating (around christmas last year). When he did not return my calls I realized that getting closure was up to me and that I would not be getting it from him. So I moved on. He did finally call again 5 months later and I told him that disappearing was inappropriate and that it was not in the cards for us to be friends. He gave me some lame excuse about his job, but he could have called or sent an email no matter how crazy his job was. The next couple of guys were easier because I was not as surprised when the calls and emails just stopped. But none of them gave explanations as to what happened. The last guy did a Jekyll and Hyde over Thanksgiving and I have not heard from since so we shall see with him. Again, I realize that I have to get closure for myself. The thing I am having the hardest time with is trusting a man now. I'm not sure how to remedy that yet.

YG

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Sun, 12-17-2006 - 10:08am

What nerve calling you after 5 months. That is what gets me...the nerve of these people. He could have just sent an email saying that the job was becoming too much which makes me question his behavior.

The experience that I had similar to this was I was dating a guy who had a very hectic schedule. So I understood he was busy, but he didn't seem stressed by dating regularly and phoning regularly. Our last date was great, but I don't hear from him for a while, so I got worried that something happened to him. Eventually he did call saying that he wasn't going to "let it go too long". Let "what" go too long?! What the heck was he talking about?! That is what was going through my mind back then. Well, I told him I didn't appreciate the fact that he dropped out of sight, schedule or no schedule. I told him I didn't want to see him. Well, he kept calling. Eventually I had to get abrupt with him and explain to him that I didn't want to date him anymore. We ended on good terms, considering, because he did later on, apologize. Luckily we did because he popped up in my life later on, not in a dating fashion, however.

When you say "Jekyll and Hyde" do you mean that all of a sudden they just turn on you and become nasty or is it something else?

As far as your closure goes, I think you have your closure...these guys were jerks. To talk to any of them would just result in you feeling that they were insulting your intelligence with another lame excuse. There really isn't much more to know other than some guys like keeping women off guard so that they can pull away and then come back when they feel like it and of course the women will take them back, because "women are desperate" in their minds. Of course I am sure some men would like women to take on THEIR bad manners by thinking was wrong with them and that's why men are treating them this way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2006
Sun, 12-17-2006 - 12:34pm

My Jekyll and Hyde guy wasn't rude or mean he was just a diffrent guy than I had been dating before he moved. We dated for about a month before he was transferred with his job and Thanksgiving was our first visit since the move. He had been calling and emailing daily since he left and nothing seemed out of the ordinary until the week before I flew to visit. The calls and the emails all but stopped. I finally did email to make sure he knew what time to pick me up at the airport and he called back but the conversation was different somehow. Anyway, when I arrived, he was a different guy. He barely even hugged me when I got off of the plane and the entire week he was on edge. I spent 5 very uncomfortable days with him. When I left to come home, he said "keep in touch". His emails and phone calls had always been about how much he missed me couldn't wait to see me, all of the things that make a girl think a guy is very interested. Then all of the sudden, when I was actually there, he completely shut down. Anway, I have not heard from him since I have been home and I doubt I will. One thing I am very proud of is that I didn't blame myself or second guess myself in any of this. Of course, I looked at my own behavior to make sure I was being honest with myself, but I didn't do anything that would make a guy react the way any of these guys did. I never chased or obsessed, it's just not my style. My belief is that a lot of men live in the moment and they will say and do things that they mean at the time but later on they change their mind and no matter how sincere they were before, it doesn't matter because the moment has passed. So, now as a woman I have no idea what to believe when a guy starts acting like he likes me because unless I get hit over the head, I'm not likely to believe a word a man says.

YG

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