I feel like a slut! Help!
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I feel like a slut! Help!
| Tue, 12-26-2006 - 2:19pm |
Here is my delima... I met a hot guy at a club not this past Friday but the Friday before hand. He came off as the real "player" type. Very good looking, cockey and sneaky. I was with one of my girlfriends who ended up talking to his cousin who was there also. We hung out that Friday until the wee hours of Saturday morning... we made out and there was some heavy petting..but that's about it. This past Friday he called at 2 a.m. as me and my girlfriends were on our way to the local diner after a night of dancing. Sure enough him and his cousin met us at the diner..after which we ended up going to the cousins house to hang out. My friend and his cousin went into another room in the house and me him were in the living room...things started to heat up and before I knew it...we were doing the deed! Let me tell you this... I am 27 years old and have had (before him) only 6 partners in my life.. all of which were my boyfriends at the time I was intimate with them. So now...I have sex with this complete stranger that I know has now lost any and all respect for me. So beyond feeling horrible about myself because this is the first (and last) time I have ever done anything like this. I was talking to my friend to day (the one that was there with me) and she proceedes to tell me that she was talking to his cousin and said to him "well I bet you felt like you picked the wrong girl saturday night" which made me feel even more awful! At which point he told her that no he didn't... and that his cousin told him what we did and that "I came all preapred becasue I had a condom in my bag" (which was completely coincidental, as I hadn't used the bag in some time (like when I was having sex on a regular basis with a boyfriend) and when I realized they were still in my bag we were already out at the diner). Either way...now I feel even worse! Not only did I feel about this becasue I did it to begin with..but then my friend says somethign like that (who has no room to talk becasue in the past 3 months she has had about 5 partners all of which she has just met) but now his cousin knows about it and I don't know that I will ever hear from this guy again.. and I just really don't want them thinking that I'm this type of person or that I go around doing this all the time. Obviously if I tell them this... they will not beleive me and probably think that I'm just a slut that is trying to cover it up. Either way.... Am I a slut??? and What should I do???? Please help?

So you had a one-night stand with one guy. NO - that does not make you a slut. If you were having multiple one-night stands with multiple guys, then we may want to dig a little deeper. All that happened was two adults having consensual sex. That doesn't mean there is any obligation on his part or yours for further interaction.
Just be cool about it, not making a big fuss as that isn't going to help anything. If you see him again, then be polite. If you want to see more of him, then tell him.
If you don't mind I am going to pick pieces of your post apart:
"I am 27 years old and have had (before him) only 6 partners in my life.. all of which were my boyfriends at the time I was intimate with them."
So it is important to be in a committed relationship before you have sex? Where do you get this idea?
"So now...I have sex with this complete stranger that I know has now lost any and all respect for me."
How do you know he's lost respect for you? He might think it is great that he met an independent woman who can make mature decisions without the confines of cultural pressure.
"So beyond feeling horrible about myself because this is the first (and last) time I have ever done anything like this."
You feel guilt. Did you harm anyone? Break a law? Is somebody going to slap your wrists? Write mean things about you on the Internet? You may benefit from some honest introspection.
"I was talking to my friend to day (the one that was there with me) and she proceedes to tell me that she was talking to his cousin and said to him "well I bet you felt like you picked the wrong girl saturday night" which made me feel even more awful!"
So the only reason a man would "pick" you was because you offered sex? 1) I am sure you are wonderful person who has a lot to offer anyone. Sex is not something a woman has and all men want. 2) There were 2 people in that room, and one of them was not you.
" At which point he told her that no he didn't... and that his cousin told him what we did and that "I came all preapred becasue I had a condom in my bag" (which was completely coincidental, as I hadn't used the bag in some time (like when I was having sex on a regular basis with a boyfriend) and when I realized they were still in my bag we were already out at the diner)."
Any person who is concerned about their health and STDs travels with a condom at all times. If you can't use it, you might have a friend that can. It is like an intelligent firstaid kit.
"Either way...now I feel even worse! Not only did I feel about this becasue I did it to begin with..but then my friend says somethign like that (who has no room to talk becasue in the past 3 months she has had about 5 partners all of which she has just met) but now his cousin knows about it"
You can tell your friend I think she is a gossip, and she should learn to keep her mouth shut. It doesn't really matter how many "partners" either one of you has had anyway.
"and I don't know that I will ever hear from this guy again.. and I just really don't want them thinking that I'm this type of person or that I go around doing this all the time."
If this guy is over the age of 35 you can bet your bippy that you will hear from him again. But if you do want to see him again you might have to tell him you want to slow things down.
"Obviously if I tell them this... they will not beleive me and probably think that I'm just a slut that is trying to cover it up. Either way.... Am I a slut??? and What should I do???? Please help?"
I doubt they think you are a "slut". But it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, what matters is what you think. So quit thinking you are a slut and even if you were, or anyone else is it doesn't matter and isn't important. I don't think I have ever called anyone a slut and you shouldn't either. Sexual actions really don't have any impact on anything anywhere or anytime. I think you might be too influenced by the media or church.
First off, ease up on yourself. We've all made mistakes, have had one night stands and are none the worse. As spice.man said, having this happen once does not make you a slut. And let's just say for arguments sake that you were a woman that liked to have sex with a lot of different partners, that still doesn't make you a slut. It's all about your own standards and beliefs. If you've slipped up, that's ok. Just re-commit to yourself (just like you did).
As for this guy, it doesn't sound like he wants anything more than a booty call. But let me ask you this--why are you giving so much power to a stranger? Why are you allowing what he thinks to dictate how you feel about yourself? He is not worth a hill of beans, let alone your self image. Think about that.
Forgive yourself. You've made a mistake, as chamey said you didn't cause any sort of harm that is irreversible. And kudos for using condoms! But remember, forgive yourself.
Hi everyone,
Just wanted to say thank you to everyone who posted. I have been thinking about this and have come to the conclusion that you are all right and I'm being way too hard on myself. I am not a slut and what's done is done. I made a mistake and have learned my lesson to not let it happen again because I don't like the way it makes me feel.
Either way I am taking a postive approach to the situation and decided to appreciate myself for who I am and the decisions I make. Noone is perfect and neither am I but I will definately try my hardest to make myself the best possible person I can be. (I am totally not trying to sound like the commerical! lol)
Either way...I just wanted to say thank you. You guys really did help me.
A) If you are a slut than he is too because you weren't getting it on alone
B) I don't think you are a slut you are an adult who made a choice to have sex and are completely capable of choosing to do so.
C) Who cares what anyone else thinks of what you do with your body.
D) If your friend was with this guy in the other room and then goes and blabs about what you did with this guy what kind of friend is she???
E) Stop worrying about what other people think of you. Own your choices in life, it's your body, you are an adult, don't worry about what other people call you. They probably do much worse.
F) Someone who is having sex with you and calling you a slut needs to look in the mirror because he was doing the same thing.
G) Having a condom makes you smart.
H) Are there enough letters in this post to convince you that I think you are an intelligent woman and not to worry about immature petty people and to hold you head up high and not pay attention to rumors...stay above the fray.
Listen...at some point in your life you are going to have to learn to not take what other people say to heart. Their opinions don't matter. If this guy isn't going to like you because you did EXACTLY what he did, well oh well, yeah it will hurt a bit but you know what, better to know now he's a CAD and he deals in double standards then to learn later. And better to find out now that his friends are losers. And if your friend would say nasty things about you what kind of friend is she to you??? True friends won't be calling you a slut for something as trivial as this. Trust me.
Edited 12/28/2006 9:00 am ET by lovinhockey17
Smile,
Deirdre
Don't beat yourself up over this. You got caught up in the moment, you are NOT a slut and thank goodness you had protection if you wound up having sex with this guy. I assure you, he didn't "lose respect" for you because if he did, he has to hold himself to the same standards as he also had sex with a girl he hardly knows and lose respect for himself. He can't hold you to a higher or lower standard than he does himself. And finally, why would you care what a jerk who would sleep with you and then blab to his cousin about it? He is a player, a jerk and a few other choice names.
But hon, we all make mistakes and I imagine that many of us have even been in the same situation you have. I have done that once before myself. But regret is a wasted emotion and beating yourself up does absolutely no good. Just take this as an experience that you don't plan on repeating and move on.