dating and standards

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2006
dating and standards
13
Tue, 12-26-2006 - 10:17pm

Hello!

I'm just wondering if my standards are a bit too high.

I've been seeing a great guy. We've had several dates. He always calls the next day, always tells me what a great time he had. He's very polite, tells me how he feels and is very good about setting up the next date. He's cute, articulate, a gentleman. I love talking to him, and so far everything has been great.

The problem is that his friends party too much for my taste. We're all mature adults in our late 30s, 40s and 50s. They have no problem with alcohol in the car and there always seems to be plenty of pot to go around. I've not seen the man I'm dating smoke pot and he's told me that he doesn't. But all of his friends smoke pot and the other night I was offered some, which I refused. He saw that I was a bit shocked and teased me a bit for it.

Now I'm torn. He's very close with his friends and they seem to be a big part of his life. If he's telling the truth, they seem tolerant of the fact that he doesn't smoke pot. But if anything ever happened--if we were out with his friends and they'd been smoking and we get pulled over--I just don't want to have to even think about this kind of drama every time I go out.

Are my standards too high? Does everyone smoke pot? I've run into this issue many, many times and I'm starting to think that I'm in the minority. I've been shocked to discover that my co-workers (corporate professionals), people from church, other people that I just never would have believed smoke pot do smoke it.

Are there people out there who don't smoke pot or do drugs? Am I being naive to think that I'll find a man who doesn't do drugs and whose close, personal friends don't use drugs?

Thanks!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Tue, 12-26-2006 - 11:09pm

I can only speak for myself here of course but yeah, a lot of folks smoke pot and somehow manage to hold down respectable jobs, pay their bills, go to church, and otherwise live very quiet and dull lives.

For these people, having a puff when they get home from work is quite the same as having a beer or a glass of wine. And that's about it. Some still party - like your boyfriend's friends - but some just do it at home behind closed doors.

As far as are your standards too high? That's only something YOU can answer. Your standards are you standards and there's no right or wrong standards. What works for you may not work for someone else and vice versa. What is a big deal to you may not be for someone else. So if this situation DOES NOT work for you, you have to decide whether to continue this relationship or not, because just as it's wrong to try to change YOUR opinion on the subject, it's also wrong of YOU to do the same to someone else.

Personally I do think you're judging him on the actions of his friends, which I think is unfair, but if it does bother you then that's your right to be bothered. But don't expect him to dump all of his friends. In that case, it's best if you guys just break it off and meet someone who thinks more along similar lines.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 1:39am

Yes, of course there are plenty of people out there who don't smoke pot or use drugs. I think that the situation you describe is definitely the exception and not the rule--maybe if you're in your 20s that's not the case but by the time you get into your 30s and 40s, most people stop doing that kind of thing.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 5:41am

I've been in this situation before and though someone could say you're judging him and his friends, it's really a matter of preference. It's truly up to you. When I was in the situation, it didn't make me feel comfortable and when I'm not comfotable, I don't stick around. I would talk to him about it, let him know your concerns and see where it goes from there. Personally I also have a hard time believing that a person who is around it all the time does not do it at all. It's like that old saying... show me your friends and I'll tell you who you are. Know what I mean?


Hope this helps and let us know how things go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2006
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 9:14am
Thanks for everyone's thoughts!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 9:27am

Not everyone smokes pot and drinks so you are not alone. but alot of people do it and in moderation it's not always so terrible but it certainly shouldnt' be done in cars and hopefully no one is carrying pot around in cars.


It's good that the guy you're seeing seems not to indulge and that his friends are fine that he doesn't. So talk further about this issue with him - communication and an airing of feelings is a good thing as long as you're not being too judgmental or demanding, especially not at this point.


You are certainly entitled to your beliefs and not to feel pressured into being in a situation that would make you uncomfortable.

,
,
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 3:12pm
You don't have anything in common with this guy. He may be really sweet, but if something is gnawing inside your gut, then don't ignore it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 6:00pm

In my city, the police don't discriminate between the pot smokers and the non-pot smokers. Everyone goes down to Central Booking and they let the commissioner sort it out in the morning. Meanwhile the car gets impounded, you get to spend the night in the lock-up in a room filled with some rather questionable people. After your session with the commissioner you have to call somebody to come pick you up OR you walk home in last night's party clothes.

All because you were partying with the wrong people. I'm not kidding either, this very thing happened last night in front of my friend's house, the cops didn't know who was buying the drugs but all 6 people in the car got a ride downtown in the paddy wagon.

I don't know about you but this is too much drama and trauma for me. There are 3 billion men in the world, if I were in your shoes I would find another.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2006
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 8:14pm
Thanks, Snafu. That's exactly what I was thinking.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2006
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 8:19pm

Hi, Chamey

My sister is a long-term drug addict. I've been through it all with her for more than 20 years and I'm EXHAUSTED from it, so I'm waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too familiar with all of the drama and risks. I think as a result, I might be a little too sensitive to the issue and I just wanted to make sure that I wasn't being overly critical. But you're exactly right--if I'm in the car and they have pot, they've been smoking it, I'll be in just as much trouble as everyone else no matter what my story.

I've decided to stop seeing this guy, as sweet as he is. I've worked too hard for my career and my life--I have no personal drama and I'm not in the market for any.

Thanks, again, everyone!

ab

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 9:16pm
Good Luck! n/t

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