Dating a Separated Man...How to Deal?
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| Thu, 12-28-2006 - 9:14pm |
Long story short: Met a guy at work, we went on a few dates, kissed, he cooked me breakfast, dinner and breakfast again, since I spent the night at his place (w/o sex). (We had a 26-hour date)
Dilemma: He is separated with 2 kids and waiting for his wife to file papers, since there is a residency requirement and she's been here longer than he has.
Confusion: He says he doesn't want to hurt me by bringing me into his situation because it will soon get nasty. His wife is anxious to file as soon as the law allows her to and he is ready to get it over with. He explains that he doesn't want to have sex yet because (1) he wants to do it with a clear mind, i.e. legally single and (2) it will bring more emotions into it too soon. He also explained that if I don't see him for days at a time, it's because he's working stuff out with her and the kids.
Basically, he hates the whole process and he keeps telling me how wonderful of a woman I am and how the timing is so wrong, but how he wants to spend more time with me, which he does. He calls and wants to talk or go to dinner or the movies.
Question: I would like to pursue a relationship with him, but I know he is going through a lot right now. Should I wait until everything is finalized or deal with not spending time with him for days at a time? I'm fine with both, because I understand his situation, but at the same time, I know that he enjoys being with me as I'm someone he can be happy with (his own words).
I know I'll probably get asked a lot of clarification questions, so feel free, but I'll be as detailed as I can without giving out too much.

I'm sure he thinks the world of you, but I'd like you to think about something... this man is not yet done with his current relationship. He will have to go through a lot of emotions from now until the end and is that something you really want to get caught up in? Also, what if you are the rebound relationship?
If you are willing to risk getting hurt moreso than with a regular relationship, then I would say go for it... but think long and hard because you really have no way of knowing what may pass.
Hope this helps.
I dated someone while I was in the time period between being separated and actually filing. It's not something I'd recommend you do. The poor guy who was dating me at the time had to deal with all the problems I was having, and it wasn't easy for him at all. He provided a lot of emotional support to me which was great for me, but terrible for him. Our relationship didn't even survive until my divorce was final.
I'd say it would be much easier on you to wait on anything serious. Let him have the space he needs to deal with things. If you see him, then keep it more on a casual friendly level for now.
I wouldn't get involved with him until he's divorced.
Having been through a divorce myself it's a very difficult and confusing time, throw into the mix two children who will be confused themselves its just a rollercoaster of emotions and feelings and its just so not a good time to be getting involved in a relationship.
Smile,
Deirdre
Unfortunately this man is not in a healthy position to have the type of relationship you may be looking for. Men when they separate from a marriage look for someone to rebound (make themselves feel desirable, overcome their lonliness and for someone to lean on) with and you really don't need this. I have experienced this in the past and all of the situations have led to disappointment and heartache.
I would leave him to his divorce and when the time is right and the relationship is meant to be he will be there with you.
**Truthfully...my first advice would be to run NOT walk away from this man!!!
Reese
My last BF was separated when I met him, he said he is sooo lucky to have met me and told me how happy he was with me, how much he appreciates my qualities... still he had lots of issues that I could not deal with. He was emotionally unavailable and very depressed at times, unable to trust and love again... I m glad our relationship was over before I get depressed like he was!
Thank you to everyone for their input. I talked to him today and he agreed that we should wait until all the dust is settled. He says that when he starts a relationship, he wants to give his all and he can't do that right now. I told him I couldn't do it either since there's a huge chance I'd end up hurt, so we've decided to continue a platonic relationship until he's ready. There's really no other choice, since we work together.
We both hated the decision, but we knew it was best.
Thanks again :-)
He's being honest which is great. He's going thru a lot right now and the timing is not right. You don't want to be a rebound woman. So give him space, get on with your life and what will be will be.