Can 2 'class' differences work?
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| Sun, 12-31-2006 - 12:45am |
Hi,
I have been seeing a guy for a little over 2 months. We really like each other, sex is great, we do all kinds of things together like outdoor activities, etc. but when it comes to hanging with each others' friends or going to parties, it has been a bit awkward. Christmas came... and I introduced him to my family because they are visiting from out of town, but he didn't introduce me to his. He later said his dad invited me for dinner, but he hadn't gotten around to telling me! It didn't seem malicious... but in any case, things were going along really well, but I noticed he seemed withdrawn the last week or 2, and after I was away for a few days on a trip and returned, he didn't even want to have sex. Which is really odd. I started sensing he was distant so I asked... and he said it was because he feels like he's in a different 'class' from me... him, being a redneck country guy (and all his friends)... and me being higher class into fancy stuff and dressing up, etc. He said it does bother him a bit... he isnt completely uncomfortable but he isn't comfortable either. But he really enjoys hanging with me and says how great we get along, much to his amazement.
I, too have questioned our lifestyle differences many times, but as I get to know him more I really like him and appreciate the way he lives life - but I can't give up my way of life either. I told him it was about compromise and learning to share a bit of each other's lives. But I sense he doesn't want much to do with my 'class'! I shudder to even write that because it makes me feel really snobby.... which I have never ever thought of myself. Now I am starting to question everything I suggest.... for fear of sounding snobby. Since we talked earlier today he has phoned me about 2 or 3 more times, lastly to say good night, so i don't think he's ready to ditch me yet but he said he was 'treading lightly.' To put it into context - I am 31 (never married), work in marketing, doing my MBA at night... own house, etc. just bought a baby grand piano (about 4 weeks after I met him), I love wearing clothes with sequins and high heel boots and my friends and I generally go to martini bars or low-key places for drinks/dinner, i dont usually drink much. Maybe pubs sometimes, but not all the time. Shopping and traveling are my mecca although I'd opt for nice hotels over camping.
He is 35 (never married), a cop, just finished an intensive SWAT training... also has his own house, etc. but most if not all of his friends live 45 mins into the country and they tend to be a bit loud, drink til they fall down (not him though). Avid climber, diver, runner... but hates wearing anything but mountain gear : ) Very sweet to me, chilvarous, kind, responsive and always sticks to his word. He loves traveling, but backpacks or camps along the way.
Has anyone experienced this? can a relationship like this work or is it destined for doom? What can I do to make him more comfortable with my life?
Many thanks for your thoughts.

Sounds like he might be a little bit embarassed by where he comes from. Not necessarily that he doesn't like your "class" but that your friends will look down on his or worse you will look down on his family which is why I suspect maybe you didn't get that invite to the family dinner. People get very protective of their families, while I may joke about how crazy aunt judy is always drunk at Christmas dinner it's not okay for an outsider too and it could be potentially embarassing for his new upperclass girlfriend to see it.
I think he's worried what you might think. I mean come on you've seen movies/shows where the well to do girl dates the not so rich guy and her friends pick him apart or his family apart maybe he has that image in his head. True or not. you know?
Sometimes even though it's irrational fear takes us over sometimes.
Smile,
Deirdre
I used to travel and stay only in hotels. most of the times 4 and 5 stars because for me that's the luxury of traveling. After I met my current BF, I was open minded to try his way of life. He makes more money than I make yet he loves nature and the outdoor so we spent last summer camping in different places. sometimes just the two of us, it was so romantic and relaxing. I would still want to go to a 5 star hotel with him and do nothing but massages and swimming and fancy dinners but I also enjoy the less expensive way of life that he lives. He shops only when there is sales. I never shop during the sale season! But I m learning things from him and hope he is learning from me. I dont expect to stay in 5-star hotels everytime we travel but I hope we can do that at least once a year. (which is what we will be doing on our next trip to Florida in 6 weeks)
Not all my friends are the Martini girls type so it was not too hard to accept him. I suggest you try to be a bit more down to earth around him :~) My BF was so excited that when I went on my last trip, I stayed most of the time in hostels :~S I was not as excited but happy I saved the $$ and got his admiration for me :~)
I have been with my husband for 5 years, and we come from two totally different classes. I went to private prep schools, ivy league, grew up very active in my parent's yacht club, etc... my husband has a masters degree, but he went to community college, grew up in the boonies, and his father supported his entire family on the salary of a store clerk.
If I didn't love him as much as I do, it would never work. I would say I care less about him being "lower" class than me, than he does about me being more "upper" class than him. I knew who he was when I said yes to the diamond - it wasn't like I was caught of guard or anything. But occasionally his discomfort rears it's ugly head, and we've had HUGE fights where he's called me snob and an elitist. It really hurts. If I was that much of an elitist I wouldn't have chosen him to spend my life with!! But he doesn't see it that way.
The problems come in the little things. Like once I needed to send a thank you note to one of his co-workers for a christmas gift, and he was in charge of getting the address, and he didn't, and then he didn't understand why I would be upset about not being able to send a thank you note. I find manners to be extremely important, and I think he just doesn't value them because he doesn't understand things like that. That's just one example of the little differences between us.
We work as a couple because we both find family important, want to have children, enjoy the same activities. I would say this is far more important than being from the same "class". Just know that it will be hard, but if he's worth it, than the extra work is worth it. Hope this helps!
Smile,
Deirdre