my married friend and i

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2007
my married friend and i
3
Tue, 01-02-2007 - 10:13pm

Heres my situation: My friend (girl, I will name her sara from here on out) met in a college class about 6 yrs ago. I was very attracted to her right away and could sort of feel the same feelings coming from her at that point too. We became really good friends and studied together for a few years because we were the same major. Nothing ever happened because we became to good of friends and did not want to ruin that. We had a few moments where things just about happened but they did not. Well after a few years she meets a guy and ends up marrying him 1.5 yrs later. We did not hang out a whole lot since that happened. But now, her husband is living in a different state for the next year while she is finishing school and we have been hanging out a lot. While out at a bar one night we had been sort of flirting with each other but nothing more than we have done in the past, so it was nothing new to us. One of our friends parents were in town and noticed this and had had a little too much to drink. She made a comment to the likes of “ that girls is in love with you and who evers ring she is wearing she does not fully love him.” Sara heard this and was pretty sadden and starting talking to the mom. During their conversation sara made the comments that her and I really missed out on something and that we should have had this talk a long time ago. The conversation sort of wentaway. However, her and I have talked and texted each other several times a day since then (this happened in October 2006). She even calls me or text before bed and when she leaves school. Before the bar incident we wold only talk about 2 x a week. Recently we went on a weekend trip with two of her friends (no husband) and we slept next to each other in the hotel (no touching or anything happened).

My problem: since we started talking to each other so much I have developed some strong feelings for here. Do I tell her this? It is really bothering me. I don’t know what to do here. I don’t want to tell her and then have it ruin our friendship, but I really want to get it off my chest.What would you do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 5:44am

Hi and welcome to the board! Please feel free to stick around as we could always use men's conscience here. :o)


Now, as for your situation... you feel the need to get it off your chest but think about what you'd be doing. You'd be putting a new burden on her. Let me be straight here... you're in love with a married woman. A married woman who is emotionally cheating on her husband. Put yourself in his shoes. Would you want this done to you? If you want to have an affair and help her to cheat, then continue down the path you're taking. However, if any or all parts of this bothers your conscience, then I would say to back off. Put some distance between you and her.


Above all else, I would not tell her how you feel. It may help you feel better, but if you think about it, it's really a selfish move.


I hope this does not come across harsh but truthful. And please, feel free to stick around and share advice as well!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 9:27pm

She's sleeping next to you in bed, etc. I think she knows you have feelings here. But she is married and it's better not to get in the middle of it. If she winds up leaving her husband that's another story - but do you want to get caught up in a messy affair?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2007
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 10:52pm
thanks all for your help. Lets keep in mind that essentially, i have done nothing wrong. I am single and she is married. Everything sort of escalated and before i knew what happened, i had feelings. Was not really planned that way. I know i need to end things or back it down one way or another, but the trickey things is to do so and still remain friends. And if i say something in terms of feelings, i will most likely get the "we are just friends" response and i will feel like the bad guy. Anyway, i think i will just let it go and try to back it off without verbally communicating my intent.