Moving in

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Moving in
6
Fri, 01-05-2007 - 9:46am

My BF stays over at least 5 nights a week. (including weekend days) He lives with a roomate so I rarely visit his place (been there few times and stayed over twice only).
I m looking for a roomate kuz my rent is high and have a big apartment. BF has to find a new place in Feb kuz his lease ends then.
I m tempted to ask BF to move in since it is more convenient for both of us but I dont want this to be considered a permanent arrangement as we will both see how it goes and decide if we should be living together when things change financially for us.
I met him about 5 months ago.

I see it more practical for both of us to live together but dont want it to be interpreted as a milestone in our relationship.
How can I convey this to him?
Also if we are not comfortable sharing a place does that mean our relation should end?

regards :~)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
In reply to: juliara2003
Fri, 01-05-2007 - 10:35am

>I see it more practical for both of us to live together but dont want it to be interpreted as a milestone in our relationship<

Sooo you want to move in with this guy just to save some money and see how it goes?? Wow - if my boyfriend told me that, in the exact words as you used in the quote up above, I would break up with him on the spot.

Moving in with someone (that you've only dated for five months nonetheless) just to save some money is THE WORST possible reason to move in with someone. Trust me on this.

You both should maintain your separate dwellings until you know each other better and you WANT to move in together.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
In reply to: juliara2003
Fri, 01-05-2007 - 11:38am

<< I m tempted to ask BF to move in since it is more convenient for both of us but I dont want this to be considered a permanent arrangement as we will both see how it goes and decide if we should be living together when things change financially for us. >>

Don't do it. Wrong, wrong, wrong (did I say, wrong? ha!) reason for moving in together.

Get a roommate. Let your relationship grow without the added pressure of living togehter. Moving in together changes things. Despite the best of intentions. It will change the dynamics of your relationship, and at only 5 months together, you do NOT know each other well enough to take this step. You've come to the right place by asking, and if you didn't have your doubts, you wouldn't be asking, right? Right. So, don't make this mistake.

You said << I see it more practical for both of us to live together but dont want it to be interpreted as a milestone in our relationship. >>

There's nothing PRACTICAL about it. If you want practical, get a roommate.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
In reply to: juliara2003
Fri, 01-05-2007 - 3:53pm
I did not say I want him to live with me because I want to save money!
He spends most of his time at my place anyway and he lives a 10-15 min drive from me so he drives back and forth a lot. If I get a roomate it will be tough to have him around all the time. I actually had a roomate for a month and we were not comfortable in the apart... I dont want him to pay one third of the rent (which he offered to do so that I dont get a roommate) without living with me! but also I dont want him to think I m going to marry him tomorrow if we are living together. I need to know him more as I do have strong feelings for him but I know I need more time to know if he is the right one. Right now he seems the one! but I ve been through few relationships in my life and I know how a relationship starts. so it is tough for me to decide. I enjoy every second with him but I dont know if it is a good idea to get a roommate and see him less or get him to share my place without feeling the pressure that it is a new phase of our relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
In reply to: juliara2003
Fri, 01-05-2007 - 4:07pm

<< I dont know if it is a good idea to get a roommate and see him less or get him to share my place without feeling the pressure that it is a new phase of our relationship.>>

Previous advice still stands. Get a roommate. It doesn't necessarily mean you have to see him less. It means you have to adjust. It IS possible to see each other just as much as before without it being uncomfortable in your own apartment. Find a roommate who works a lot, someone who isn't home much, someone who likes to keep to their own space. It IS possible! My BF and I both have roommates. He has one, I have one. I NEVER thought at my age (36) that I'd have to get a roommate. I own my own home, for pete's sake! But, times went tight in my business, and I have a mortgage, etc and my income isn't what it used to be. So, I got a roommate (who is a friend of one of my best friends, I felt more comfortable with that than with a stranger, and guess what? It's working out GREAT!) My BF comes over just as much as he used to and it hasn't been weird at all. Basically, you do what you have to do, kwim?

But, what you do NOT want to do is move in togehter if/when its not right time or for the RIGHT REASONS for BOTH of you!

You said << I did not say I want him to live with me because I want to save money!
He spends most of his time at my place anyway and he lives a 10-15 min drive from me so he drives back and forth a lot. >>

Convenience isn't any better reason than saving money!! I posted something similar recently on another board. My all-time-favorite "reason" for living together has to be "he's at my place all the time, anyway" ... that's the worst excuse of 'em all! 10 - 15 minutes is nothing. Seriously, you're making excuses.

Get a roommate. Or, ignore all the good advice here and move in together ... touch the stove, go ahead ... it'll burn and then you'll say "gosh, should have listened to all that good advice I ignored."

I've learned taht people do what they want to do anyway ... so, go for it! We can't stop you. All I can say is that, there is NO GOOD REASON for a couple that has been dating for 5 months to live together already. Not a one. It's way too soon.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
In reply to: juliara2003
Fri, 01-05-2007 - 4:46pm

Do not move in with someone because it is "practical" or "convenient" or even because circumstances work out that way or because of financial reasons - those are all really, really, really BAD reasons to move in with each other. Move in with someone because it is the next practical step in your relationship. You are NOT roomies - you are dating.

IMO, 5 months (or 7 months at that point) is WAY too soon to be living together. And no, if you could not live together at 7 months does not mean that you should end the relationship. Moving in together SHOULD be a milestone in your relationship - not a matter of convenience or finances.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
In reply to: juliara2003
Fri, 01-05-2007 - 4:50pm

OK forgive me but I took THIS comment to mean that you wanted to move in together for not only "convenience" sake but for financial reasons. I'm sure that's where emdeesea came from too.

<>

You are talking about using this time (when apparently you both need a roommate to afford your places) to "guage" how well you can live together to decide if you want to make it permanent when you DON'T need it for financial reasons.

Still wrong. Still a bad idea. Still way too soon. Still puts too much pressure on the relationship.

You'll just have to get over feeling awkward with roommates, IMO. You need roomies, moving in together is a bad idea. Either get a hotel room or get over the modesty.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo