To Tell, Or Not To Tell

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2007
To Tell, Or Not To Tell
3
Tue, 01-16-2007 - 9:29pm

Okay, so I’m only a sophomore in high school, so I realize that I’m still a kid basically – even if my hormones claim otherwise. With that out of the way, I’d like a little advice or some opinions.

I’ve never dated anyone before. Yes, I’ve had crushes – turned down every single time. I know people who have had several boyfriends and friends who aren’t virgins anymore. I’m certainly not looking for THAT sort of relationship; I’m probably one of the few in my generation who thinks practicing abstinence is okay.

But there IS a guy. He’s a little less than a year younger than me. Adorably cute curly hair, nice tanned skin…I’m not one for looks but is he cute! He’s smart and really funny, and amazingly talented in music – he’s a great bass and he can play at least five different instruments. He’s everything I could want for in a guy, I know he is.

So I’ve been crushing hard for a couple of months, since maybe September or October. He’s in my show choir class, so it’s not like I never see him. I try talking to him when I muster up the courage – boy is that hard. (I know you’re wondering what the dilemma is, so I’ll try speeding this up.)

Maybe sometime in December I’ve noticed him looking over in my direction out of the corner of my eye. Almost every time I look up to catch him, he turns away, but sometimes he’ll look for a second longer until he notices that I’m noticing. I can’t always completely tell if he’s looking at me per say – my show choir is closely packed together, so he just as well may be looking at the girl in front of me – but it certainly looks as if he is. Not only that, but lately he’s taken to hovering around me. My friend (who’s now graduated, and quite experienced) visited class one day, and after school I told her the same thing I’m telling you all now. She said that he looked like he wanted to tell me something. (What, I still don’t know.)

It’s easy for me to get a low opinion of myself; I could do with shedding a few pounds, but I’m not a whale and I’m not fugly ugly, either. However I’m often depressed about myself although I try to keep it under control.

I am God-awful at figuring out boys. Honestly. And the last thing in the world I’d want to do is hurt him or embarrass him in any way, because he’s just about the brightest part in my day. And I’m not the only one who thinks so, too. A lot of the girls I know thing he’s just so sweet and everything - I mean, he was even elected class president. And then on top of everything else, the girls in my show choir go and say, “Hey, let’s go start a Joe Fan Club!” His name is Joe, obviously. “We can have a raffle and whoever wins can go on a date with him.” I wasn’t too thrilled, but neither was he. I think they were probably joking though because they never talked about it again. Still.

And just my luck, when I’d plotted out a date for me to admit to him that I liked him, he can’t make it. (It was a trip to Virginia Beach my show choir was taking). Like I said, I’d never want to hurt him and if meaning that I’ll never tell him how I feel, I’d be pretty willing to do that. Of course, that means making me suffer instead, but I’m like that sometimes. I just wish I knew what I should do. Tell him, or no?

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2007
Wed, 01-17-2007 - 12:56am

As I am 27 and been out of high school for 10 years now, I cannot relate to teenagers today. I just don't get you all. If "boys" were my biggest problem, I'd be in HEAVEN. lol But I also have learned the hard way that if you want life's rewards, you have to take the RISK. What's the worst thing that can happen? He says he doesn't like you that way and wants to be "friends". Granted at your age "friends" is the worst thing you can be and hear when you are crushing. But on the other hand, what if he says he likes you too? We can play the "what if?" game all day long and what it boils down to is the survival of the fittest. I don't mean to come off harsh or cruel, but it's true. The strong feed off the weak in the "real" world. Practice being strong and your risk-taking while you are still young and able to bounce back quickly.

However, a solid rule that applies in all of life (especially if you want to be in the legal field) NEVER and I mean NEVER put anything in writing that you don't want someone else to see. I don't care how insigniifcant it might be. You will never know when that piece of paper will come back to haunt you. Having said that, writing him a note, I think, is a bad idea. If he doesn't feel the same, then he has leverage to show his buddies and then you'd be the laughing stock of school. Believe, I was that many, many times. Not fun. By any means.

All the signs are there that he likes you too. You can casually ask him in passing if he meant to say something to you the other day. Tell him a friend saw him looking at you like he wanted to ask you something. A simple ice breaker, yet straight to the point. If he says he can't remember, at least you opened the line of communication. Flatter him, and tell him that you know he can have his "pick of the litter" or whatever the hip jargon is nowadays is, but you were curious if he had his eye on anyone or had plans for Valentine's Day since it was coming up. It's still beating around the bush but in the direction to lead him to ask YOU out, if you're too scared to do the asking yourself.

Hope this advice helps some. Good luck and I hope you keep us posted on the outcome.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2006
Wed, 01-17-2007 - 7:31am
You sound very mature and he sounds like a nice guy! Is it possible for you to have some time on your own, away from the other choir people? Even if it's just walking to class or something. How he acts on his own around you can often be a good indicator; you'd be able to tell if he was disinterested. It's my view that it's nice to get to know someone a little bit before the pressure of a 'date', just for awkwardness' sake. Chat and joke and smile a bit more and try pick up on his signals. Sounds like he is interested because the looking, then looking away is a classic!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2006
Wed, 01-17-2007 - 1:35pm
i dont think it HAS to boil down to telling or not telling. there are many ways of "telling" someone something without just blatantly saying it. you could try by flirting with him or coyley saying something to catch his interest. see if he returns your enthusiasm. if so, ask him to hang out or do somehting as friends. do it non-chalantly and see where that leads. Brazenly coming out and telling him out of the blue that you like him could scare him away or confuse him. get to know him first! that way you can see if you actually like HIM or just what youve seen so far. goodluck!