So what really happened?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2006
So what really happened?
6
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 7:00pm

Okay, here's one for you.

I met this woman on an online personals site. Pretty much we hit it off from the get go. We would spend some time online talking and chatting. First time we were suppose to meet up. Ditched. And later that night she said she was there. So here I am feeling like an idiot - I thought I missed her. Then an hour later as we are talking she fesses up about she lied because her friend told her to do so and that her friends talked her into staying where they were instead of leaving to meet me for the first time. Normally, my reaction to that is "Good-bye. Leave me alone." But something let me give her another chance.

So the following week, we did meet up. And then almost once a week after that for a month. Things progressed. Now, we both did not want to jump into anything serious. In fact one night she was telling me how we were NOT going to have sex... instead we went to a secluded area and made out. I wasn't even looking for sex, but the making out... WOW... took me back to my teenage years. Felt very nice.

A few weeks later, she's telling me how she's starting to fall for me. I was there at the same time, but I knew she was apprehensive about a serious relationship - and why (she was in a very LTR that ended about a couple years prior to knowing her). So, I tried curbing my feelings. Then, she starts into how she can see herself with me in 25 years and things of that nature. The kicker was when she relayed a conversation she had with her friend about me. It was that she didn't want to get into a serious relationship but yet she did not want to date anyone but me. And her friend posed what if I dated another woman, and she said that would devastate her.

As this was happening, we are starting to see each other more and more. My coming over during times I really should not have - late at night when I had to get up early for work in the morning. Talking on the phone with her during my lunch breaks and/or on my way home from work. So one morning (about a week after "falling for you"), we wake up and I tell her that I was falling for her too and that I liked it.

Within a week, she ended it. Using the tired lines "it's not you, it's me. Let's be friends. I'm not ready for a relationship." Now, I did ask her if she meant it, or if she meant we should go our own ways. At that point I could do so, I AM friends with other women I had dated in the past. I can't say if I would have re-visited the trying for a relationship with her in the future. That has never happened with anyone. She said she did want that. That she wasn't feeling what I was feeling romantically, yada yada yada.

So on blind trust I did just that.

Then it happened. Never have I ever became that guy that calls incessantly. Never the one to try for something I know that just wasn't going to happen. Now, I know WHY that happened and it is because I was burned before by a few other women, within that year... so I was very anxious about that. But I NEVER thought I would have ever been THAT GUY.

Suffice to say, I got the "we're never going to happen, good luck, appreciated our time together, you need to move on" email.

So here I am just tying to do just that. Some moments I have the "maybe in the future" thoughts. I know it just isn't going to happen. It's just puzzling that someone who would tell me what she told me, moved away from that so quickly after I recipocated the feelings.

Now will I ever talk to her again. No. I have lost interest. I'm thinking I got burned yet again. Right now I am just trying to rebuild who I was when I met her, as well as with her. That month of being the incessant gnat - not me. And I liked myself alot before that. Will I get there? You bet. I was there before I met her. And being with her did not make me like myself anymore or less.

And all I really question is, should I have even bothered? I feel like an idiot for ever giving her another chance. And I know that's what lead to the "gnat" behavior.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 7:27pm

If you hadn't given her a chance you would be here pondering whether you made the right decision. So okay. It didn't work out but you know what you risked it, it didn't work out, okay so you pick yourself up, you dust yourself off. You recognize the behavior you do NOT want to repeat (the gnat behavior) and you make sure not to repeat those same things in your next relationships.

We've all been you at one point or another, it's whether or not you choose to keep repeating the behavior or you learn from it that will seperate the men from the boys! and I think you'll be fine.

Smile,

Deirdre

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 8:47pm
This lady led you on and your not an idiot she is the one that is led you on and your not at fault some people just play games with people heart and mind good luck to you next time !

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 9:39pm

<< And all I really question is, should I have even bothered? I feel like an idiot for ever giving her another chance. And I know that's what lead to the "gnat" behavior. >>

Honestly, if you stop "shoulding" on yourself, you will no longer feel like an idiot for trying ... and when no longer feel like the idiot "gnat" who tried, you will feel much BETTER about yourself.

So, it all stops with letting go of the "shoulds" ... and instead, just go with what IS.

It is what it is. You tried, and sure ok, you turned into "that guy" ... so, now you know what it feels like to be "that guy" ... and from the sound of it, it doesn't sound like you're gonna go down THAT road again, ha ... it sounds like you've learned better ... so now, just give yourself permission to cut yourself some slack.

It is what it is. Live and learn. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2006
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 10:20am

I am a firm believer in second chances so, I have always been inclined to extend them. You did nothing wrong in giving her the benefit of the doubt. Unfortunately, you fell victim to what many women on here have experienced from "confused" men. She came on very strong in the beginning expressing her feelings and just as you start having the same feelings for her, she bolts. This common behavior for someone who is not evil or malicious, but just immature at love and relationships. Take care of yourself and look at the situation from a learning perspective, next time when a women behaves that way you will know it is a red flag and can act accordingly.

Good luck,
YG

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Sat, 01-20-2007 - 1:40am

First impressions last for ever. The fact that this woman told you that she does things her friends tell her to do should have told you that this woman was a fake. In a relationship that is starting and that within a week one of the parties says "I'm falling for you" is a red flag. It's infatuation and lust, it's not love.

You gave her another chance because you felt attracted to her and thought that maybe things would have worked out. It's possible that she was on a rebound. What can you know in a month abouta person?

Anyhow, It's sad that peole play with others feelings. Next time be more careful and wary of this type of women. However, don't loss hope, as there is a woman out there just for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2006
Sat, 01-20-2007 - 11:21am

It is experience that teaches us these important life lessons. There was a reason you were a "gnat." You had hope that by playing the "romeo outside of her window" routine- there was a chance your devotion would win her back. So what if you were right? What if it did? Then you wouldnt be posting here saying these things. you wouldnt be feeling like you were a gnat, and the outcome of the situation was entirely out of your hands. Now learn from this- its part of the journey of life. Goodluck in the future- now you will see the signs of a "flake" long before they have the chance to drift on you again!