How to talk about our future?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
How to talk about our future?
3
Sun, 01-21-2007 - 4:46pm

I've been dating a guy for 10 months. We fell in love after a couple of months and after dating for about 4 months, he started mentioning things about our future (like where we'll live after finishing grad school, how many kids we each want, and he even said that it feels like I could be his wife). Anyway, over the months I would mention different places I'd be interested in living, and finally he told me that it was too early to talk about the future and that I'm scaring him by using the word "we" when I talk about where I'll live after graduation. So I backed off and have been waiting for him to bring up the topic again. The only reason I even brought the topic up so early in the relationship is because he was the first to start talking about the future.

I really want to move our relationship forward and start talking about the future again, but I'm afraid of scaring him off. I'm at the point where I need to start making decisions about where to go after graduation, so we need to talk about this in the next couple of months. How should I go about talking to him about our future? I really want to marry this guy (our families and friends want us to get married too), but I don't know how to plant the idea in his mind without sounding too pushy or desperate. Thanks for any help you can offer!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Sun, 01-21-2007 - 6:57pm

Sounds like the time has come to bring it up. Don't feel that you are at fault. I suggest thatL "I'll be graduating in May (or August, or Dec. or whatever) and I need to start thinking about the next stage of my life," is a perfectly good way to bring up the subject. It shouldn't be news to him that you need to start thinking about the future. Ask him what he envisions for his future and where he thinks your relationship should go. You might nudge him with, "Once upon a time you told me that you thought I'd make a good wife, do you still feel that way?" Just get the conversation going. Don't make demands, but feel that you have the right to ask "his intentions" at the moment.

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Sun, 01-21-2007 - 11:03pm
It sounds as though he is uncomfortable about you talking about your future together as a definite thing. There's a difference between saying, "WHEN we do this" and "IF we do this". The first implies that you've already agreed to having that future together, and it's a definite thing. The second implies that you see that as a possible future, but you're not sure of how things will turn out yet. I would be careful to use IF statements with him when you talk about your future. Also, if you need feedback from him about the future, then you can ask him how LIKELY he thinks it is that you'll live together after you graduate or whatever you're wondering about. That way you're not asking him to make any definite promises at this point, but you can still get some feedback that will help you with your decisions.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 3:51pm

You're at a crossroads. You guys met and aligned at a time where your life is still in flux, youre not yet "in balance."

You have not yet graduated, so you haven't yet determined where you are going to plant your roots. Ideally, you want to be settled in your life before you make these types of decisions ... as to not put the cart before the horse, so to speak. Nor do you want to put years of schooling and your career "on the backburner" because you are waiting for someone else to decide whether or not he's on the same page as you.

You didn't mention where he's at in his life (ie, is he still in school? will he be graduating at the same time?) If so, then ... at least you're in parallel places in your lives. However, the question will still remain: is what's good for you also good for him? There will only be an "our future" if its mutually beneficial, for BOTH of you.

Ie, let's say you both graduate at the same time. YOu get a great job offer in one place, he gets one in another. Now, you're torn. If you choose to stay together, one of you is going to be doing what is NOT beneficial for that person. Who's going to sacrifice that great job offer? Sure, you get to be together, but ... something "loses" on the career end of things. And that is ONLY because you guys are NOT yet at a place in your lives where you are stable, established, roots planted, etc.

This is why its often tragic to align with someone who seems like a "fit" ... but the timing in life is wrong. IMO, you may have met a great guy, and you may be a great couple but ... if the timing isn't right, then, he's not the guy for you ... nor you the woman for him.

This happened to me once ... and if not for the timing in life not being right, who knows what would have happened!? But, he had to go one way, and I had to stay put and that was that. Basically, we had to do what was best/right for us as individuals. We tried long-distance for a few months, but there was no move in the future for either of us, so what was the point? And unfortunately, what is best and right for you or him as individuals may not be what is best/right for you as a couple.

It's a different story if you're already at a place in your life where the commitment to each other is made (ie, you're married and one spouse or the other gets a job relocation and ... therefore, you move ... together).

But, you're not yet established. Neither of you. YOu have opportunities and so does he. Whether those opportunities will take you to the same location, who knows?

As for << I really want to move our relationship forward and start talking about the future again, but I'm afraid of scaring him off.>>

We've all said this a million times on the boards but, you cannot "scare off" someone who's on the same page as you. So, if he gets scared off, so be it. Better to know that now than later.

<< I'm at the point where I need to start making decisions about where to go after graduation, so we need to talk about this in the next couple of months. How should I go about talking to him about our future? >>

True, you are at that point. And you do need to be thinking about YOUR future. And that's exactly it ... you present it to him as that ... you want for your future together to be in sync ... however, you have decisions to make and he's either in or he's not. YOu cannot deny him of his choices and opportunities, that may or may not be in alignment with yours ... all you can do is see if you are on the same page. AT this point, you do not have an "OUR future" ... you have a YOUR future and he has a HIS future, and if all goes well, those two futures will be in sync. But, if not, you have to respect each other's choices and opportunities enough to be ok with LETTING GO rather than making sacrifices at this point simply to "make it work."

Like I said, I went thru this once ... when I was about 26 or so. And, i've since learned the lesson that the right guy isn't the RIGHT GUY if the timing for BOTH people isn't right.