Torn between my feelings and my future

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2002
Torn between my feelings and my future
18
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 12:19pm
Hello to all,
to some of you who have read my past postings, you may have already know that i have been dating a guy for a year, who i know that is going nowhere. He doesn't want to talk about our future, his feeling for me, he says he likes me, but i don't think he loves me. He chooses his friends over me, and the sad part of this situation is that i think i have fallen in love with him, and i did in the back of my mind wanted to make this work, i wanted him to fall for me too and us to be together,etc. He has taken me for granted and i has not spend as much time with me as i would like. He is 3 years younger than me, and i don't think he is serious about living together having kids,ect... This last week for example i didn't not see him, he was with his friend instead of being with me. So i decided to do the same and went out with my friend too. The other side of this story is that, i met someone that night, and he seems like what i am really looking for in this time of my life. I was married before, i have two kids, and i have been single for two years now, and i want someone who's serious about life too, and wants a serious commitment. This guys is 5 years older than me, and so far is been saying and treating totally opposite of the other guy. He's been calling me everyday. So,I took a chance on Sunday and accepted his invitation for dinner. When we met we offer me a red rose. He says he wants to take care of me, and where have i been all his life, ect. We have the same cultural background, and alot in common. I feel so overwelmed with this all situation, i don't know what to do, because i know in my heart that i love guy number one, but i know, that that relationship is not going nowhere and that i deserve better. I feel torn..any advise, would be so appreciated.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 3:12pm

My advice would be to break up with the first guy because you're not going to get what you want from him. Then tell the 2nd guy that you'll call him in a few months because you need some time to get over your relationship.

I think if you go right from one relationship to the other, that will be a recipe for disaster. Plus it seems like guy #2 wants to go too fast, so you need to slow the pace way down, even if you don't take a break.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 5:42pm
Although the 2nd guy sounds great then the other one ask him when was the last time he was in a realtionship do not be the rebound girl and make sure his sweet words are real and not playing you as for the 1st guy dump him he is not ready to be in a serious realtionship so let him take someone else for granted and take your time with the 2nd guy

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2002
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 4:18pm
As of last night, i think it's over between me and the 1st guy. I tried to ignore all his phone calls, but what i was feeling i couldn't drag it anymore and i decided to have that serious talk with him. I needed a straight answer about our relationship and specially his feelings. I didn't get the answer i wanted, he said that he didn't want to get serious, and that he liked me alot, but didn't love me. Of course i was crushed, and still am very sad... i told him that after one year, i expected more from this relationship, that i deserved to be loved,i couldn't be with him, if he didn't love me. It was so hard to have to do this, but i know, that in the long run this is the best for me...I cried myself to sleep, it very hard to say good bye to someone you love, but that's what i had to do..
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 8:04pm

You did the right thing, although I know it's painful. Now take some time and mourn this relationship (maybe even see a counselor to figure out why you stayed so long?) before you jump into things with the other guy.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Thu, 01-25-2007 - 7:54am
Sorry that happen but at least you know that he was taking your love for granted if he cannot treat you right and get his act together you can now move on to someone better and no worries someday he will wake up and realized you were the best person for him by that time it will be too late for then you have already moved on to a better man

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2002
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 4:46pm
Just an update on my situation..I told the first guy, i couldn't be with him if he wasn't willing to love or didn't love me, that i needed more from the relationship. That was last Saturday, because since i had started this conversation with him, he was calling 4-6 times a day everyday, i was trying to ignore him, but i couldn't anymore so we talked again on the phone on Saturday. On Sunday he called again, and asked if i was going to see him, (since that's the usual Sunday night routine, after my daughters leave for the week, to their dad's,) i made an excuse and said i had other plans, he apologized for asking and said he wouldn't do it again. In the meantime i started to see the second guy, who is acting way too much, like giving me gifts and flowers, taking for dinner, calling everyday etc..honestly i feel overwelmed, and i feel that this is going to fast, i have asked him to slow down, but i don't think he gets it..He doesn't know what i am going thru, i'm still in love for the first guy, and it's hurting really bad not seeing him, or being with him anymore. He stopped calling, and now it's really hitting me that it's over. He said that he didn't wanted to be over, that he liked me alot, but that he doesn't want to get serious at this point of his life. He is extremelly stubborn...There's so much going on in my mind, and i really don't know what to do, i can't focus on the new guy, because my feeling for old one are still so alive. It's been torture, and really hard..I feel like part of me wants to give in and run to his arms, but i know that it will not go any further than what it was. So basically i'm hurting one way or the other..i miss him so bad, and i don't know what to do.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 5:16pm

I think the advice I gave you previously in this thread still stands. Guy #1 has made it clear he's not interested in a serious relationship with you, and it's too soon for you to get involved with guy #2 and you should be upfront with him about that.

I'm sorry you're going through a tough time--breakups are never easy and rebounding is not the solution.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Wed, 01-31-2007 - 1:25pm
Maybe you should take a break from the 2nd guy until you can get over the 1st guy and since the 1st guy is being stubborn as you said and has been honset with you and doesn't want anymore more then you do at this time and then when your heart is really ready to be with someone and you had time to get over the 1st one then you will not feel sad anymore good luck to you HUGS

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2002
Wed, 01-31-2007 - 3:31pm
Thanks for the hugs, i really need them now...here's what happened last night: I realized that i had to tell guy number two to slow down, but i know that he doesn't take that well, so instead of getting a guilty reaction from him (this a guy who doesn't like to take no for an answer)..i decided to send him a text message, saying that i liked him but i needed time to think, some space, that everything was going too fast for me, and that i would call him when i was ready. I put my phone in silence. This morning i had 30 missed calls from him, 6 voice mails and 2 texts messages. He went paranoid on me, about not understanding, what he had done wrong, how much he wanted to be with me etc, he even went as far as ringer my apartment buzzer downstairs because he wanted to talk to me in person. I didn't hear cause my phone was on silence mode. In the meantime, guy number one started to talk to me on msn, and tells me that he's so sad, that he just found out that his mom has cancer, and sad about everything else that is going on.. He wanted me to come over, and be with me, i said i would just as his friend to give him a hug, but he said no, that he wanted to things to be between us as before, i said i don't know about that, but went anyways. We talked some more, and he said he didn't want to be with anyone else just me, that we had a good relationship. The only reason he doesn't move in with me, is because i live in another city and he would have to drive to work, but he doesn't drive or has a car. Anyways there's tons of confusion in my head...this is a big mess....
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
Wed, 01-31-2007 - 4:12pm

you are in teh 'in between' place - where you know you can't go back but aren't ready to move forward yet. You are in the 'waiting room' so to speak.

Guy 1 wants what he wants regardless of how that affects you. Since you want something more with him than he is wiling to give, you can't go back to that (not without severely damaging your self love and self esteem. He is not willing to be just friends either as evidenced by his refusal of that kind of interaction with you: Either come over on my terms or don't come over at all. That is not a good feeling but that is the reality.

Guy 2 called 30 times??!!?? OK - I had someone recently get a little too much too soon with me - not even that excessive - and that really put me off. A secure guy who wants you to truly be happy will not PRESSURE you to do what you aren't sure you want to do. He'll respect your request and give you what you need. He won't make it aobut him. He'll understand that you aren't emotionally ready to go there. And he won't try to guilt you, push you or otherwise pressure you. He'll want you to be comfortable with the pace - because he wants you to know he's for real. This is pressure. This is desperation. This is a turnoff. Given that you had been open about your neeed to go slow and he didn't hear you, this is probably a good thing. This guy is not what you need now. He is showing you that its not about your ultimate happiness but his need to put you into his mental relationship picture. he is the kind that you run from - this is not healthy. Anyone who pushes another to do something is looking after their own interests and agenda. Itsnot because he 'loves' you.

Hon, its ok to sit in the 'waiting room' for a little while until you collect yourself, grieve and feel stronger. But the waiting room is not meant to live in. Many try to and it obviously keeps them in pain.

I strongly urge you to take yourself out of the dating arena until you are emotionally stronger - and not simply trying to avoid feeling bad from your breakup. Until you do this, you are not a good partner choice for a GOOD guy -but you are a moving target for the emotionally damaged ones - or the sharks who smell blood.

Your confusion will disappear when you accept WHAT IS with each of these men - they aren't right for you - and focus your attention on what matters most to you in a relationship. When you maintain your eyes on what matters most - what you must have and will nottolerate - you will be able to see more clearly and earlier on those that do not fit within those parameters. Its ok to be sad that someone you loved doesn't return those feelings - but each relationship teaches us somethign. Learn teh lesson and leave it behind - and get out of the waiting room.

hugs

Toni

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