ADVICE??! please!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2007
ADVICE??! please!
2
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 2:25pm
So, I've known this guy for well..several years, just never really "knew him," like as a good friend. The past few weeks, however; have been pretty amazing, ever since we met up one night and decided to hang out. He's super great, beyond nice, and of course he's cute. It's really great..except for one thing, his drug problem. It's part of the reason i never really talked to him in the first place, because i knew it was an issue. He's been to rehab, but never followed through with it. I've never been around him when he was using, but i talk to several of his friends and they inform me. I really don't want to give up on him, because he has so much going for him. He has a great job, people who care about him, and so much more. I want to help him, but I don't want to go barging in on his life right away and tell him what he can and can't do. It's a hard position to be in, and i need some help, PLEASE!!
Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 4:58pm

Hi Mandy,

It's funny, I had a similar thing about 5 years ago, except this guy was an alcoholic, although I didn't know it at first (but it didn't take long to find out).

I ran for the hills.

I was involved with an alcoholic once before and I just can't do it again. And you know, he had a lot going for him too. But he just couldn't stop.

You're so right about not telling him what to do with his life: you simply can't. Getting clean and sober is an individual decision, one that he will have to make. It has to come from inside. No amount of begging, pleading or threatening will ever convince him. He needs to help himself--you can't do that for him. It sounds like he's been into drugs for quite a while: that's not good. You did say he went to rehab--that's good. Many people go into rehab several times before they quit once and for all.

Life is short. There are plenty of men out there who aren't addicted. My advice would be to not get involved. If he gets clean, then OK. But not before. If you do choose to continue on, I would recommend you go to Al-Anon or whichever group is for partners of drug users. I know there will people on this board who can tell you.

Good luck. I know that addicted men can be very charming.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2007
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 5:22pm
i had a problem like this once, with my current boyfriend. when i was just friends with him i knew that he smoked pot and liked to drink, and go to the strip club on occasion. i went out with him anyways. what i have found after being with him for a year and a half is that you cant really change a guy, especially if he doesnt want to change. i did get him to stop doing drugs but he still drinks from time to time and still goes to the strip club with his buddies. the only advice i can offer is dont get involved with someone when they are involved in something that just doesnt fly with you. you cant change men, even when you're in love with them, they can only change themsleves, and if he really wants to, eventually he will