Nice guy but he is not for me

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2007
Nice guy but he is not for me
7
Sun, 02-04-2007 - 10:06am

I am back in the dating scene after a very, very long term relationship. Dating is different now, I am doing it online. This was my first date/meeting from someone online.

I met this nice man online, we E-mailed, he doesn't live too far away, so we decided to meet for coffee, he was really nice (I know I said that, that is why I need some advise).

After coffee, it was only 1 PM on a Sunday afternoon, he asked me if I wanted to see a movie. I said sure. I had a enjoyable day with him the conversation flowed and I felt comfortable, but I knew he wasn't "Mr. Right", the feelings were just not there for me. He called me during the week and wanted to go out the following Saturday night, I thought, give it a chance, maybe the chemistry will show up. We went out. He is a really nice man but the chemistry is just not there for me. When he brought me back home and I was getting out of his car he asked to see me next week, I told him I am busy. He was disappointed but he said, okay, will I see you again and I said yea sure.

I really don't want to lead him on, he really seems to like me, but I know it is just not going to work for me.

I am new with the online dating scene. I am from the old school of clubs and disco's. If I met him in my (clubs and disco) days, I would of not given him my phone number and made up some excuse like, "I am really not into dating right now or I come here all the time, I'll see you around".

I just don't know how to tell this nice guy, who seems to like me, that it is not going to work?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Sun, 02-04-2007 - 11:04am
Just say it like you said, "I dont' feel any chemistry." It will hurt his ego a bit, but you can soften by saying, "that he is a nice guy, but you go by your gut on these things. I hope you understand." He may want to still see you as a "friend". but that just means he hopes to turn you around, so if you really do want to cut things off with him, then don't see him as a "friend". I had to do the same thing after a blind date, it was lunch, and he walked me to my car and asked if I wanted to see him again, and I said, "I don't think this would work." He asked "but we can be friends, right?" I said, "no, there is no friends here. I mean, of course, we will be on friendly terms, where if we ran into each other we give each other a nice "hello", but no,no active friendship here. Because lets face it, you really don't want to be friends, you want more." I tend to blunt, however, so maybe you have a better way of pulling that off.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Sun, 02-04-2007 - 11:46am

You tell him (email is fine since you met online) "I really enjoyed meeting you but this isn't the connection I'm looking for." OR "I really enjoyed meeting you, but I just don't feel that we are a good match." And move on.

Don't continue to be "busy" - that's not nice or truthful. And don't continue to leave him hanging - that's even less nice and less truthful. He deserves to find someone that likes him a lot and you deserve to have someone that you feel chemistry with. Yes, he might be disappointed, but you've been out with the guy twice. He'll recover pretty quickly I bet.

If you're going to do online dating, you're going to need to learn to quickly and politely reject ones that you don't want to date. The rejection is not "being mean" - acutally, it's being nice because you're letting them find the one they deserve to find which isn't you and you're letting yourself off the hook to find a guy better suited for you.

Also, there is a whole board dedicated to online dating - a lot of people going through the same thing and some great tips. Since you're new, there really is a LOT to learn including the fact that he shouldn't have been picking you up and dropping you off at your home on the second date! You might want to check it out:

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlcyber

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2007
Sun, 02-04-2007 - 1:02pm

Thank you.

I am going to tell him that he is a nice person but there is just no chemistry here for me.

That I go with my gut feelings on this and it just won't work out for him and me.

About meeting at my house after two dates - - - thanks for the "that shouldn't happen". I will ask on the online dating site.

:>)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Sun, 02-04-2007 - 1:19pm
I think that reply is too much detail and leaves room for argument. A simple one sentence reply like I stated is MUCH better. Believe me. When I read that other poster's reply, I respectfully disagreed a LOT. I thought that answer was really harsh. I and many other regular online daters use and prefer the "I enjoyed meeting you but don't think we are a match" or "this isn't the connection I'm looking for." Short, simple, to the point and leaves little room for him trying to talk you out of it. You say what you have below and he's going to say "WHY isn't it going to work out for you and me?" "WHY do you say that?" JMHO but I have been doing OLD for years and posting on the OLD board for a long time. The less you say, the better.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2007
Sun, 02-04-2007 - 1:58pm

Yup, short and to the point is always better.

I just feel guilty because he bought me dinner and took me to the movies.

He asked me out but do you think I should have suggested splitting the bill and paying for my meal and movie.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 02-04-2007 - 2:59pm

If I'm *sure* I'm not interested in the guy by the time it comes to paying the check, then I will pay my share because I don't want to mislead the guy (to me, accepting him paying is accepting a gesture of courtship and if you know you're not interested, it's best not to accept). But if I'm honestly not sure, then I will let him pay.

I wouldn't worry too much about it, it's water under the bridge now but that rule of thumb works for me.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Sun, 02-04-2007 - 4:14pm

Don't feel "guilty" - that is one of the things that just happens in online dating. You will find that guys will generally pay even if you offer. That's a nice thing! But like Sheri said, if you're not feeling it and know that you don't want to go out with the guy again, you can definitely offer to pay your share. That sets things on more of a friend vibe.

Also just another tip - movies are usually not a great first online date activity. Your main goal in these first couple of meets is to talk and get to know one another. Sitting in a quiet, dark movie theater where you can't talk doesn't let you do that much! :-) I usually like to keep it to places that are active and bright and let you talk. But again, JMO.

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