should I have sex with him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
should I have sex with him?
9
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 4:15pm

I'm trying to practice new behavior since my last relationship ended 8 months ago...

I have waited 8 months before starting to date and now I've met someone who seems to meet my interests.

We emailed each other on/off for a month and finally saw each other in January. We've talked everyday since then and have seen each other at least once a week.

He is focused on sex,his marriage ended mainly because his ex didn't like sex and wouldn't go to therapy to solve her issues.

He was in another relationship before he met me that was long distance but they saw each other every couple of months but spoke daily. That relationship ended bcz he said she behaved like he owed her all the time and demanded numerous gifts and flowers constantly and if he didn't do as she said,she would ignore him and not be affectionate anymore. That lasted a year and they broke up in November.

He likes me and enjoys my company,but he is hung up on the sex part. He is worried we may not be sexually compatible. Well I care about that too...

He says men and women are wired differently in this area and I agree...
But I'm still scared of having sex because that would get my emotions going and I can't afford another heart break at least not for a long time!!!

What should I do? Am I unreasonable? He says he's willing to let me move at my own pace, but every time I see him, this topic comes up and makes me feel uncomfortable.

I've told him that it makes me think he's just in it for sex,but he says that's just one aspect of the relationship and that he wants the emotional too...

He hasn't shown me anything negative,but I'm still scared that I'll find out later that he is another confused man who doesn't know what he wants!!!

I would appreciate if you have similar experiences or any input to help me decipher this...

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 4:37pm

I would wait until you've been dating *in person* (the email stuff before meeting doesn't count) for *at least* 2 months or roughly 12 dates or so, whichever comes later. It takes time spent together in person, OVER time, to get to know someone well enough to know if they are worth risking heartache over (not to mention pregnancy and STDs since there's nothing that is 100% effective against either).

If he can't wait that long (which is not very long at all), then he's not worth it, IMO. I would TELL him that you understand that sex is important, and you agree, but you need to get to know him better first, and sex is off the table until you've known each other for *at least* 2 months from the date you met in person for the first time. You should also let him know that the more he continues to bring it up and pressure you, the less likely it is that it'll ever happen.

During this time, you want to be evaluating his behavior against his words, to see if he's consistent as well as finding out if you're compatible in your interests and values, as well as what you want from a relationship (and of course what a guy says he wants and what he actually wants can be two different things--time will tell).

I also think you should be dating other people so that you're not so "all or nothing" invested in this guy.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 5:24pm
You need to have sex when you are ready to have sex I agree with the other post emailing does not count as real dates and if this guy is willing to wait for you then he would not be making you feel pressure and making you feel uncomfortable of course we all want to be with someone that is sexually compatiable but he needs to calm down a bit my ex hub never did me either but I am not obsessed with sex but then again I am girl and not a horny guy :) so be careful and go at your pace not what is in his pants !

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 9:02pm

I guess I wasn't very clear in my post.

We have been dating in person for a month now. He lives about 20 miles away from me and I've been seeing him about once a week.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 9:07pm
Doesn't matter. You have sex with him when YOU are comfortable and not a second before. Yes, sexual compatibility is important, but so are a LOT of other things. If you know you get emotionally attached when having sex with a guy, don't do it until you are ready to be emotionally attached to him. If he keeps pressuring you and not respecting your desire to wait, then he's not worth it.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 9:25pm

Yeah, I understood that--my point is, you've only known him for a month and have only had 4 dates or so. That's still too soon to have sex, IMO. I'm just saying that you shouldn't count how long you've "known" him from the time you started talking to him online in applying the time guideline. And even if you date for another month, if you're still only going out once a week, that's still too soon, IMO. The point is, you need to spend as much time together, OVER time, as possible before taking that next step.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 10:16pm
The man IS pursuing a sexual relationship and he's putting a lot of pressure in you to have it. This guy may be into casual relationships only. If you feel that you're not ready then don't have sex with him. I bet that if you refuse to have sex when he asks for it, he'll go somewhere to get it. The fact that the's bringing up sex so soon shows his real intentions. The guy is not worth the time you're putting into this and definitely not worth taking your clothes off just to satisfy his request.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 9:47am

I have made it very clear that I won't have sex until I'm ready. I think it's become a challenge for him, but if he wanted to disappear,I think he would have done it by now.

I was very clear to him about this and he accepted to wait. He says that he wants a long term relationship and maybe marriage if all works out.

Now I'm not gullible,so it's not like I believe him yet. So far the only thing that I'm suspicious about is that he is kind of thrifty and I don't like that...

He would see me more than once a week, if I allowed it. I'm the one holding back...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 8:00pm

<<<....I was very clear to him about this and he accepted to wait. He says that he wants a long term relationship and maybe marriage if all works out....>

Personally, this doesn't sound good to me. If you have sex with him and if he likes it, then he'll agree to have a long term relationship. Basically, it all depends on the sexual part.

You say that have made it clear that you won't have sex until you're ready, but something isn't getting through his head because you also say that he's hung up on the sexual part. IMHO, this guy is looking for sex and, yes, it's become a challenge for him so it's possible that once he gets it and if he doesn't like it enough he'll move on to the next girl. A man can say tons of things, BUT what weighs more are his actions. Thrifty is bad news as well. Just my 2 cents.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 8:53pm

,