is my boyfriend bi (risk asking?)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2004
is my boyfriend bi (risk asking?)
7
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 4:21pm

well, ivillage helped me get through my divorce from a Man who was leading a second life and cheating on me ( heartbreak) - it's been a long time since and I have found myself, with an amazing guy - we "connect" we get each other - on a very deep level. but there's one thing, I think he has some bisexual tendancies - this is terriory, i've never found myself in....i'm terrified i'm going to get hurt again. he's totally into me, i' m just noticing things, that raise a flag being a monogomous woman - who needs a monogamous, ?

if i told ya'll some flags, could you help me decifer. obviously, I'm scared after being devestated by my cheating husband -

advice.

I see nothing wrong with bi or gay or strait lifestlyes....I just don't want to be lied too, or devestated again.

I learned that "instincts" are very important, and on the one hand I have an amazing man in my life, that has made it clear that "i'm the one" ....i'm falling for him, and need some advice. I have beautiful heart. a loving soul and so much to give. i'm just afraid, bi-sexual means i can't be his everything - i'm scared. really really scared, i'm falling for him ( i don't want to get hurt)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 5:26pm

without specific examples there is no guess. However, there are many hetero men who enjoy 'kiink' and fetishes that society usually associates with homosexual sex.

Basically, ask this question - does his sexual fantasies including wanting to be with other men sexually or does he just enjoy things that you associate with gay sex? Thre is a definite difference here. (and you will get a variety of opinions on this because some people don't see sex in any other flavor other than vanilla. Some do)

My current man enjoys things that are not necessarily sexually mainstream - and it wasnt something I had experienced before so it took some easing into. he is as manly as they come. He has no interest in men. And he knows I know this.

You may want to ask this on the Taboos board as you have more variety of folks there. And yu will also get better answers from others who enjoy non-vanilla sex that are very straight and in long term relationships and marriages.

Keep your mind open. Bisexuality and homosexuality is more than about enjoying certain kinds of sex just like heterosexuality is.

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2004
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 6:14pm

well, these are the signs my gut instincts are flagging:any opioons would simply be helpful- ya know?

He's extremly hunky ( ha ha) he looks alot like brad pit - gay guys pay attention to him when he walks into a room " as in leers" or comments of yummy....( my girl friends say) gay guys sense - when a guy can well you know go their way....and they typically don't waste their time "checking out" streight guys "in the presense of a girlfriend.

His best friend is a homosexual and 15 years older than him
he's eccentric - in touch with his feminine side - clothing (furnishings) loves lepord print ha ha - but in a stylish/sophisticated way and being "sensitive to how I think as a woman"

he likes to be on the submissive side, of the relationship at times - as in "sweatheart, sugar....i'm just the ornament on your tree....

he's NOT girlie though - more like Rock Hudson wasn't he a stylish/masculine bi-sexual?

he "joked about" me straping on a dildo - one time - i simply laughed it off ...but then was like (wow) my x husband NEVER made a joke like that before? - that's kinda a place a man's man dosnt go, ya know?

he's really proud of his modeling pictures - which look stait out of international male - hunky calvin klien - pic's

sex has been really good we HAVE chemistry - and he "gets me" he tells me he's in touch with his feminine side - and some people (namely streight guys have accused of being gay so he tells me....but goes on to say - that he's not, and that has bothered him at times...

I don't know - ( maybe i'm supper scared and trying to find flags ...so i don't get hurt... i'm starting to fall in love with him....any thoughts - seems like i better get to therapist to talk about how i can trust another man again *( after my cheating husband horror stories) huh?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 6:48pm

You know, there are just some guys who are a little more on the

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2004
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 7:32pm

Thank You Sandra - yes maybe i'm over reacting and over analyzing. Your Email made me smile for the first time today! you right...geeesh what am I complaining about?

His last girlfiend was alpa - and from what i can tell the one before was as well. Alpha as in super organized, successful, take charge...meticulous, calls the shots.

it's funny that you ask me this. ONE of the other things that i think about is that we are both Creatives. We are both ambitious. But we both are risk takers. I'm very "girlie" and we even talked about the fact that neither one of us are the anchoring type stable ones in past relationship yin yan ( men have always been alpha in my life and vise a versa for him. I'm in some serious uncharted territory -

we really are VERY much alike - which might be a not so good thing, or the love of the century - it's crazy. But i've never been with another human being who "knows what I'm feeling" by just looking into my eyes - it's a seperate peace. it's awsomely georgous, and SCARING THE you know what out of me! I'm going to chill, ok gotta go pick him up - he wants to go to the grocery store tonight and then cook me this gourmet dinner - he's been thinking about making. poor me....(smile)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 9:03pm

You know it's interesting. I have just been watching that show "Gay Straight or Taken" on Lifetime. A very amusing, cute show if you haven't seen it. Basically, a girl goes on a "date" with 3 guys - one is gay, one is straight and available, the other is straight and taken. It is EXTREMELY rare (I've seen the show about 5-6 times) that the guy that seems overtly gay (is fashionable, has feminine gestures, yadda, yadda) is the one that actually turns out to be gay. Haven't seen a one yet actually. This latest one - the guy she picked to be gay based on sterotype should have been RIGHT on. He was wearing a tight t-shirt, stylish jeans and a newsboy cap. He didn't seem to be very interested in her and had a chihuahua. Turns out, he was the available one! So don't judge on "stereotypical characteristics".

Like Sandra, I think your guy is just a metrosexual. He is a model so he likes taking care of himself and is probably fashionable in some sense. He's also comfortable with a variety of people - women, gay men, etc. And even if you guy IS bi, that makes him no more or less likely to cheat on you than a 100% hetero guy. He is WITH you, whether he likes girls, boys or both, you have to trust that he is with you now and that he doesn't want to be with anyone else. His sexual preferences don't determine how loyal he is.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 9:25pm

>>You know, strong, independent, take-charge type? I ask because I am, and I've found that my best boyfriends were a little more yin to my yang, know what I mean? I've heard the best relationships can be forged out of a balance of both on either side, because we all have a little of each within us.>>

I was thinking this too - as I am also an alpha woman. ;)

To teh OP - I doubt that he has gay tendencies or bi tendencies - I suspect that he simply has a high 'erotic' level that goes beyond man on top, woman on bottom or oral. I suspect he likely has some domination fantasies - and likes his women to be 'on top'. And don't be concerned about suggesting strap on sex - submissive men often enjoy this level of kink - and its got nothing whatsoever to do with wanting to be with men. Again, homosexuality is about more than just sex. Most women are used to being the submissive one - but there are many men who are submissive and many women who are dominant (not to be confused with dominatrix and the BDSM scene - though it can go there - depends on the couple's preferences)

I strongly urge you to get a copy of the book Venus on Top - I think you might have a better understanding of your guy - which will in turn help you. Just remember something, if he is indeed a man who enjoys kinkier sex than you are used to, then this something you will need to remain open to and maybe ease into. Also consider if its somethign you can adjust to at all - being with a submissive man - which in NO WAY makes him wimpy or gay - it simply means he gets his joy and pleasure out of adoring and pleasing his woman - you. How lucky!

feel free to email me if you'd like.
Toni

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2004
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 3:30pm

Thank you for weighing everyone! ya'll are awesome. Great advice and sugestions. It's so helpful to be able to think out loud with smart folks who have an objective point of view!

I hope you all are right, about the metro sexual thing - !

ivillage rocks!

Hugs