Asking for space
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| Wed, 02-07-2007 - 10:27pm |
Hello all...
I have a long distance relationship that has been going absolutely fantastic up until a very short time ago. We had been seeing each other since last August and up until the beginning of last month have handled it very maturely. I had just gotten to the point where I felt I loved her and told her this. She was able to say it much before then but with good reason. We were best friends for over 3 years in high school until the point where she moved away to New York. With the magic of the internet we got back in touch and it was like in never ended. The problem was that she was in a long term (3 year) relationship that was going nowhere. It eventually ended (partially because we wanted to go over the line) and she moved out of his house into a new apartment.
She now is on her own for the very first time... shes always been with guys who supported her and was with her family before then. I live about 3 hours away and it was very difficult seeing her with our schedules but we made it work. It was even harder by the fact that she didnt have a car so she would have to travel the NY subway to the NJ transit so I could meet and pick her up. It involved a lot! of driving and commuting on foot for her. It took a lot of time and effort and its finally got the best of her. I dont mind it as much as I have a company car so its free for me to drive... but for her to get up.. pack luggage.... walk to the subway.. travel.. etc etc for over 4 hours each time to go and get back to her apt is hectic.
It got to the point where she now is asking for space and time. Not just the traveling but she feels we are semi rushing after she just got out of a long term relationship. Also she feels she needs to be independent and get her head straight. She complains about the distance a lot and it really bothers her but she says its probably best to give her some time and space. She has fully stated that she wants the relationship but feels so exhausted from it. She has a great paying job and will eventually get a car but first needs to learn how to drive. Maybe that will help? She says frequently how she wants a normal everday relationship and not a weekend relationship every other 3 weeks. She has to stay in NY for now until next year for school.
I have so much more to add or say but I dont want to write to much. What is the best way to handle this? If you need more info.. please ask.
THANKS!!

the best way to handle it is to let her grow into the person she needs to be - she is finding herself and that is a wonderful and scary thing to do - but we ALL must do it. She is the best judge of what is best for her and she needs to focus on what she prioritizes. She needs to know who she is before she can be a part of a couple. And that is a good thing. When you know who you are, you are clear on what matters to you - there is less drama and conflict because you know your priorities, values and dreams.
Her asking for space is her recognizing that she isn't ready for a commitment - that she currently has other priorities - including school, establishing a career, learning to rely on herself. It doesn't mean that she doesn't care or that she wants nothing more to do with you - it means that she recognizes that she can't give you 100% emotionally because its not fair to you or to her. Doing so would require her to give up her own dreams, needs and desires.
What you can do is to let her go with love and respect. Remain friends but also establish what this means for each of you. This isn't the right time for a more serious relationship. Trying to make it be something before its fully developed will kill it. Far too manypeople do this - they try to force something into being and cause themselves unnecessary pain.
She needs to focus on her life for a while. If and when she is ready for more, she'll let youknow. As for you, do the same thing. There is a reason this hasn't worked - focus on what is important for you.
Toni