Am I being judgmental?
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| Thu, 02-08-2007 - 11:16am |
Hello all!
I need some opinions! I've been seeing this guy for about a month. He's a really nice guy, and attractive. The only thing is that he has two children, ages 7 and 4, by two different women. He's 30, so it's not like he hasn't lived and had relationships. As I've gotten older, I haven't had a problem dating men with children (child). Because I tend to gravitate toward older (30 and up) men, I expect this to be a possibility. However, I just wonder if responsibility comes into play when you're a single person and you have children with different women. Does this show a lack of responsibility? Why did both relationships not work out? Having two children with two failed relationships seems a bit unstable. It's too soon for me to ask, "so, why did you break up with the mothers of your children??" I don't want to be judgmental without even knowing the whole story. Also, I wonder about the mothers of his children....are they difficult? Will there be "drama" if he and I were to get more serious? Is there a chance that he may get back together with either of them...he's pretty much bound to them, at least until the children turn 18. Also, I'm celebate, and I feel very strongly about staying that way until marriage. He's obviously not, since he has two children. I don't want to think too far ahead, as we've only been seeing each other for a month and are still in the friend stage. Sex hasn't even come up....I'm sure it would, though, if we continued to date. I guess I'm wondering whether or not my feelings are valid. This guy is really nice and I don't want to stop seeing him over something petty. Am I being petty or judgmental??
Edited 2/8/2007 11:21 am ET by mali2579
Edited 2/8/2007 11:22 am ET by mali2579

I wouldn't say immediately that you are judgemental; I do think you are correct in feeling that you should be wary of this guy.
I mean, he's only 30 and has two children from different women? That's IS questionable, HOWEVER things DO happen that we never intended. So give the guy the benefit of the doubt at first.
I think it would probably be best to get to know the guy slowly. You'll be able to judge his character the longer you know him.
I wouldn't worry about being judgemental, I would worry about what is right for you.
Did he marry either one of these women? If not I would wonder why this man has such a lax attitude toward fatherhood that he doesn't mind impregnating women and then leaving them to raise his kids.
What would happen if you got pregnant? Would this man leave 3 kids in his wake? I definitely think this says something about this man's character and even moreso, his refusal to practice birth control.
I don't think you're judgmental at all. I think that you're wondering about his standards in life and if they're compatible with yours. You're dating this man and you're getting to know him. He's shared that he has 2 children by 2 women. With more contact and such you WILL know more things about him and you'll decide if this man is what you want. Does his values and beliefs are compatible with yours? Can you see yourself sharing life with him? Do you both share similar goals in life?
IMHO, I'd consider asking questions such as: does he pay child support for both children? Was he married to any or both women? How old was he when he had these children? He's 30 years of age, an adult who should be responsible for his own actions. I wouldn't call this being judgmetal, but careful screening of your future partner.
Thanks again for your advice. I now see the importance of not rushing into a relationship with a person before really seeing that person for who they are. People tend to show their true colors after the initial stage of impressing is over.
Actually, some of his "true colors" were there in the first place, two kids, two different women and him not being with either one. It might be he treated both ladies like dirt and now he is all alone looking for a new victim.
When people are young they don't have a track record, as they get older they often do. Take a long look at the background and often you will have insight to someone's personality.