Should I Just Give Up

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Should I Just Give Up
5
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 8:55pm

I posted this on a couple of the other boards. I'm trying to gather all the advise as possible.

I've been dating this guy for about 9 months now. While we maintain exclusivity when it comes to sex, our arrangement allows for dating other people. For the past 7 out of the 9 months we've only been dating each other, though. This may be because of circumstance and not actual intent to not date someone else. A short history: We met some time ago (maybe 3-4 yrs ago) and had a little fling. Nothing at all serious - just some dates and phone calls, etc. We re-connected in Jan. 06 when he called my sister looking for my number. We spoke occasionally until our romantic relationship began in the summer - thus we began dating. My frustration comes from my desire to take this relationship to a more committed level and his not wanting to do so. He says he wants to focus on making himself more financially secure, blah blah blah before even thinking about having a girlfriend. We both agree that we're the closest either one of us has to a girl/boyfriend. I agree that we both have to reach personal goals, but I feel like neither one of us will get in the way of the other should this thing we have go more serious. I feel as if left alone the relationship will flow in this direction, but, that's only if it doesn't meet with any resistance from either party. Of course, I won't resist -- I'm happy to let it flow at whatever pace it's going to go. However, I'm not sure that he will. I'm split down the middle. Part of me thinks he'll just go with it and if it ends at us being a couple then fine .. part of me (a small part of me) feels if he starts to see it get serious, he'll become distant. So far, I haven't gotten that feeling, but I become paranoid very easily and don't want to jinx anything. I get the sense that we're practically a couple, just without the offical labels. I've had a ball these last 9 months with him. He's set a standard so high, I doubt there is a man out there that can meet it much less surpass it. We get along absolutely perfectly. We almost never disagree. We think alot alike and I truly feel I've found my soulmate. I truly feel we're perfect for one another. We understand each other's need for space and are both very honest people. I am completely "in love" with him. I've never met anyone like him and want to keep him. I know that we would work. I feel this 100% in my heart and can say it without skipping a beat. I don't necessarily want to take it to boyfriend/girlfriend level, but I do want us to be more committed -- if that makes any sense at all. Maybe I do want to be his girlfriend and him my boyfriend ... Is there a middle ground? I'm confused. Need guidance. Should I just break off this relationship before I get hurt or just continue to be patient with it? This issue occupies alot of my thoughts - morning, noon, and night!! Any and all advice/suggestions are welcome.
-D

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 9:18pm

I just want to make sure I'm reading your post correctly--you've talked to him about this recently and he's said he doesn't want to make any more of a commitment, correct? That's how I'm reading your post.

If that's the case, then I think the fact that you're constantly frustrated by this issue means it doesn't make a lot of sense to continue in the relationship. Perhaps you could suggest to him that the two of you can reconnect when he feels that his life has come together enough to take things to the next level.

It would be different if you were just a little bugged by it, but since it consumes you--that can't be fun.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Wed, 02-14-2007 - 8:14am

I'm going to be brutally honest with you...you are in an Friends With Benefits role with this man. He likes having sex with you, he like your friendship and the intimacy, but he doesn't like you enough to make you his girlfriend. After 9 long months a man should be able to make a decision and he has, and, sadly, he doesn't want a commitment with you. He may not want a commitment with anyone, but that is his issue not yours. One does not need to be "financially secure" to have a girlfriend, so that is a really lame excuse. Girlfriends are capable of having jobs and supporting themselves so his argument doesn't hold water.

You are shortchanging yourself if you want someone who is willing to call themselves your boyfriend. As long as this man is in the picture you won't be motivated to move on and find the right man for you. And this is not "love", love occurs when two people can be open and honest and give each other what they need, this man isn't doing it for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Wed, 02-14-2007 - 11:17am

It's he who wants space, not you.

,
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Wed, 02-14-2007 - 4:07pm
Wow! The responses are all appreciated. I'm going to take them under consideration. As you all can imagine this kind of thing is easier said than done. I guess I should clarify that space is something I welcome too -- which further complicates my stance. I have my child and I don't want to introduce him to this guy yet ... I have a few issues to clear up for myself before I would get into a relationship with him ... I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm maybe not so quite ready for a relationship either -- I tend to move fast and want the world after one kind word -- But, I can see us as a couple and I hope for that to eventually happen. Now, I agree that after 9 months, we should definitely be at another level but I'm not quite ready for the whole enchiladas with this guy. I just want him to say the same thing: "I'm not ready now .. but I'd love to see us go somewhere soon" .. I don't know if that makes much sense.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Wed, 02-14-2007 - 4:57pm
If that is what you want, then have an open and honest conversation with him about it. He might tell you that a committed relationship will never happen with him, in which case you know where you stand.