Good/bad things with a new girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2007
Good/bad things with a new girl
22
Fri, 02-16-2007 - 9:38pm

Hey all, I know this board is mostly used by women, but I posted here a few times before and have always found the advice useful...so heres goes.

I recently broke things off with my ex. Also recently I've met a new girl. She is easy to talk to, fun to spend time with and I am extremely interested and attracted in her.

The only problem is that she is currently seeing someone. This guy shes seeing though treats her like complete crap. Their relationship is so bad that she hasnt even seen him in 3 weeks almost. He'd rather be with his friends than his girlfriend.

So last night we are just sitting on my couch and starting talking. Talking was as far as it went, but god was it amazing. I learned so much more about her and she did the same with me. We decided to say something true about the other person and then that person would return something they think about that person that is true as well. From that we both learned that we are attracted to each other, that we like spending time together and that we do want to be together. She also mentioned how she liked that I payed attention to the little things about her that her current partner could careless about. We ended things with a hug and it was just the perfect night all around.

My only problem though, is that although her partner treats her like complete you know what, she seems somewhat hesitant to break up with him. I don't know if its the fact that we've only known each other a little while and have only just started having long phone conversations and hanging out, or that she really just wants to be with him rather than me. When we're in person things are amazing, we get along great and I get the impression she wants to be with me, but when she brings up her bf she constantly complains but yet never does anything about it.

I was thinking about asking her straight forward after a few more hangouts that she needs to make a decision, but I don't want to be pushy, but at the same time who would want to be with someone who wouldn't even give you the light of day? It just doesn't make sense to me.

Any help/advice as to how I should approach this situation would be very very helpful.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 02-17-2007 - 9:45am

toughtimes99..

Pianoguy can relate to your post quite well. PG has dated 2 different women who fell into the same category that your "would be girlfriend" has.

For some women (and I'm guessing an occasional male)...A FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY WITH ANOTHER HUMAN BEING is MORE IMPORTANT than getting out of a bad relationship! So the partner who is being 'picked on' (verbally or physically) will tolerate almost anything nasty in order to keep the bad relationship intact?

Maybe this is caused by a "fear of being alone or (worse)...not wanted by somebody else?

If you honestly care for this woman...don't push! Instead...why not try to undertand her issues, along with her devotion for the idiot she has been seeing. Reassure her when the time is right---that she doesn't have to take the abuse!

This will require a lot of patience and understanding on your part. But if you think you can support your "almost girlfriend"---emotionally---the eventual rewards could be outstanding?

Here's hoping???

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2007
Sat, 02-17-2007 - 11:13am

thanks alot :)

Yeah this guy treats her like dirt and the worst part is, is that she is by far the funnest most beautiful girl I've ever seen. Last night though she told him to never call again, which is good I guess. The other night when I complimented her alot she would look me in the eyes, I asked her why she did that so much and she said "Because you stare back". It just shocked me when she said that because this girl is just flat out awesome and the fact that she gets shunned and put down so much just really shocks me.

She did say though the other night, that I gave her confidence and that I make her feel good about herself, so that's definately a plus. I will definately try my best to be as understanding as I can because I can definately see us together.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 02-18-2007 - 9:33am

toughtimes99...

As PG indicated earlier...."go with the flow and don't push!"

Eventually your positive vibes (aka compliments) will overshadow the disappointments connected with the earlier b/f.

One more PS...it takes a lot of guts to look at someone straight in the eyes, pay that person a compliment and watch for a reaction. Anybody who has been verbally used by someone else in their past...MIGHT NOT TRUST YOU AT THE BEGINNING!

This is the reason why 'positive verbal reassurance' is A GOOD THING!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2007
Sun, 02-18-2007 - 2:03pm

agreed on all points.....I just think that I'm starting to really become emotionally invested in this girl.

It turned out that she worked a 12 hr. shift yesterday and couldn't call....she did call at like 12:30 though and we talked....then she called at 3 am because her you know what of a boyfriend called her and started yelling at her for things that happened months ago. She was crying and everything, but I stayed on the phone and calmed her down and made her laugh to take her mind off of things.

I guess after such an amazing day thursday, I was just expecting a stellar weekend, and when she wouldn't call or anything, I just got sorta upset since we had such a deep conversation just two days prior....but right now things are doing good...she also told me that last night she dropped off all the stuff her bf got her. She also told him off and is practically broken up with him finally...so I'm definately going to keep the positive reinforcement going with her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Sun, 02-18-2007 - 4:19pm

I would want to get 2 the bottom of things there is no reason for being led on however if she is hesitant its because deep down inside she may love her boyfriend despite being treated like crap well she needs to decide in at least few weeks who does she want to be with until then give her some space to think things through and I hope she goes for you

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2007
Mon, 02-19-2007 - 11:51am

Pianoman, or anyone for that matter, I could still use a bit of advice....

I talked to her on the computer today...when we talk we are both flirty with each other, but I don't know how to go about this...I'll post sections of the conversation and please give me your take on them and any advice or imput would be helpful

Me: When are we going to hang out??

Her: 2 morrow

Me: Sitting in class doesnt count, haha

Her: I didn't say class now did I?

^that seemed alright and I can tell she does want to hang out with me....

Me: I'm free from when class is over til 4ish, I need to drive my ex home from school because we are carpooling for the last day tomorrow.

Her: you guys are so getting back together

Me: No, I'm done with that part of my life for good, we tried to work things out but they just didn't work.

Her: You had time apart you'll get back together it always works that way...

^Here really confused me a bit....now do you think she wants me to get back with my ex so that I maybe stop bothering her/talking to her? Or do you think that she is looking for a definite answer that I will not be getting back together with her?

Then I asked her about her boyfriend/semi-ex boyfriend...

Me: you and your bf will probably stay together though, you care about him alot

Her: It's not so easy though when that feeling isn't returned.

Me: are you going to try to stay with him and make things work?

Her: I'm done

Sorry, I just didn't want to post sns' or specific names in here....but there a few conclusions I can draw from that, here they are...but before you read take into consideration the fact that she calls me everyday, and even called me crying the other night because her bf made her upset about something....

1) She wants to really make things work with her bf and knows how I feel about her, so she's trying to make me go back with my ex or convince me sorta to not stay fixated on her.

2) She likes me, and really wants things with her bf done, but asked if me and my ex were getting back together to make sure that her decision in breaking it off with her bf is really worth it or not.

Any help would be appreciated....I think I've just been driving myself a little crazy with this the past week because I can't tell what her intentions are, but in either situation...what should I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-19-2007 - 3:43pm

toughtimes99...

Pianoguy has learned (after 2 marriages and a 4-year relationship with "the girlfriend from Hell") that IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO MAKE ANYBODY LOVE ANOTHER HUMAN BEING!

Your intentions and feelings might be honest, but what your 'would-be-partner' wants might not be?

Flirting by computer, by telephone or even across the table...is easy! Providing the 2 of you know when each other is serious with one another...as opposed to just behaving like A CUTE COUPLE!

If a woman "pushes" you in the direction of your EX/GF---it's usually an indication that she's not 100% sure about her own feelings? So in a round about way...she's trying to keep you from getting TOO SERIOUS while she's in the process of "making up her mind?"

The question is....how much patience (and time) do you have before expecting her to make a serious choice between YOU and her current b/f? I honestly doubt she's ready!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2007
Mon, 02-19-2007 - 9:42pm

good perspective pianoguy..

I do agree with your point that she is probably trying to push me a bit towards my ex because shes unsure what she wants right now....She's 50/50 most likely with me and her bf...

I want to know though, how can I let her know that I am serious about us? I know we talked and flirted alot and we talk everyday on the phone practically, but how can I let her know that I want to make things serious when and if she is ever ready without putting pressure on her to make a decision?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-20-2007 - 12:33pm

toughtimes99..

PG has a few thoughts...which may or may not work for you?

1. Go out on a limb by purchasing unexpected presents for the lady you're in love with. Over time, she might realize your feelings for her are more than "just friendship?"

2. Tell her outright that you'd like to be the ONLY MAN in her life. This will get you one of 3 (possible) responses:

a. "I think that's wonderful that you care for me as much as you do because I wasn't
sure!?"

b. "I'm flattered that you like me as much as you do, but I'm not in a position to
make a choice right now!"

c. "I'd feel more comfortable having a friendship with you than getting too serious!"

The next question is....can you accept ANY of the above answers??

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2007
Tue, 02-20-2007 - 1:56pm

I could accept any of those answers because to me at least knowing thats how she feels is better than not knowing anything at all and being left in the dark.

What I don't get is why she is clinging on to this guy when she knows I care about her and am here for her...Today in class, she mentioned one thing he did this past weekend (that was really just messed up) and one girl in our class responded with "did you break up with him?" and she said "yeah...". I just think that she might care about him but at the same time is annoyed with him. She always says something like "I can't believe I'm with him", then two seconds later will say "nevermind we're over, i forgot". The thing is though...THEY AREN'T OVER.

Things with my ex are kinda starting to happen too now and she wants to take things slow and work things out between us and I'm at a crossroads, I need to decide which path I want to take and I think by telling this girl how I feel, I will have a better idea what I should do.

I just need a way to approach it. She has alot of friends that are guys and saying I want to be the ONLY GUY in her life might not play out as well as I think it could.

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