I need some help!!
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| Mon, 07-02-2007 - 5:51pm |
I've been dating this man for about 2 months. He came across as nice and a good person. All our dates were warm and he was so generous to me. On our third date, I stayed over his place for the weekend and we had sex. My problem is the last couple of days he hasn't been returning my calls in a timely manner. The other night, I called at 1:30 am (I know I shouldn't have, and he didn't pick up) because he hadn't returned the call I left earlier that day. Anyway, he sent me a message in the morning stating everything was ok.
We talked later on that day, but when I brought up exclusivity he said, "I'm not in love with you". It came out of nowhere and I was hurt after I asked and he went on to explain that at 16 it was love at first sight for the wife he's now divorcing. Then he said we are still exclusive, he only dates one woman at at time and he wants to see me this weekend. Anyway, after his announcement that "he wasn't in love with me", the conversation didn't feel good. We hung up then I called back and told him, I didn't feel good about the conversation. He agreed stating that things came out wrong, he's sorry, and he'll call me later. Well, that call never came. I called him that night and left a message for him to call me, still no call...
Some background: He is going through a divorce. I wouldn't have dated him except his online profile says "divorced" even though he's not yet. He has two kids, and he talks about how much he loves them and how devoted to them he is. All through our dates, though they have been wonderful, all he talks about is his wife, how she did him wrong, how much he loved her, how he misses his kids, how he wants them 50% of the time, ad nauseum, etc. He apologizes for doing it, but it keeps happening.
He won't introduce me to the kids for fear that they will freak out. Sunday, the girl (9) found my makeup compact in his bathroom and ran to her daddy and demanded, "whose is this!" So, he tells me about it and tells me he lied to her saying it was his friend's girlfriend's.
All this doesn't sit well with me. I think I called too many times. I think he's too wrapped up in his wife, (he broke into and reads her e-mails) and I understand he doesn't want the kids hurt. BUT...I feel he should be man enough to sit down with his daughter and tell her, "my marriage to your mother is over and I need to move on". He says he has, but she can't accept it, so he won't introduce me to the kids yet for fear of hurting them.
What to do? There is a lot of drama here, but he's a nice guy--or so I thought. But, would a nice guy have sex with me more than once, say how good it was and how good I make him feel about himself and then ghost on me?? Or would he have the decency to call me, or send an e-mail, and tell me it's over?
I don't know what to do. If it's over, I want my makeup back and I want the sex-tape we made back. Of course, I will wait until I hear from him, but it seems he should have already returned my calls. he did say he wanted to see me this weekend. I think to see if he can develop feelings for me, but that was before we both agreed our last conversation didn't go well.
I'd like some advice...Is this over? should it be over? I need a man to love me and put me first. Also, he updated his profile this morning, added to it, but still has not contacted me and said it's over...

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Kate
"when I brought up exclusivity he said, "I'm not in love with you"."
--> While that was a brutal thing to say after such a nice weekend, he is telling you the truth. So, you have a decision to make. Do you continue to date, knowing how he feels or do you break it off with him because he is not giving you what you want and may never give you what you want?
"All through our dates, though they have been wonderful, all he talks about is his wife, how she did him wrong, how much he loved her, how he misses his kids, how he wants them 50% of the time, ad nauseum, etc."
---> There is no romance here...the guy needs a shrink not a GF.
"He won't introduce me to the kids for fear that they will freak out."
---> Smart move on his part. You have no reason to meet them until your relationship gets serious.
"I think he's too wrapped up in his wife, (he broke into and reads her e-mails)"
---> It seems like he is not accepting the divorce - bad sign for you. Do you really want a guy who breaks into emails?
"need a man to love me and put me first."
---> You and every other woman in the world. You'll never come first to a man who has kids. The kids come first, then job, maybe a woman or his friends.
There is too much of a mess that you have fallen into here. Try to get the tape back and dont make one ever again.
Yeah, I got hurt over that. We were having sex all night, and then next time I talk to him and ask about being exclusive, he throws that in my face. I still don't understand why he said it. I did not ask him. It WAS brutal and I don't think needed to be said.
I only asked about the exclusivity thing because I noticed his profile had been checked twice Saturday even though he didn't bother to return my calls.
Do you think he was trying to end it right then and there?
When you say he may never give me what I want, do you mean never fall in love with me? That he can tell already? that's a scary thought..
If this guy is truely stressed out, he is going to want to escape from his stresses. This is where you come in. You can be his escape girl or someone who will expect him to tow the line in terms of what is expected in a relationship. If you want to be his escape girl then you need not ask him about loving each other or more time, etc.
He doesnt sound like a great catch - too stressed, not divorced yet, with kids to take a priority. You need someone who is going to ADD to your life, with happy times, romance and all that good fun stuff. This guy is going to drain the h#ll out of you.
I dont know if he was trying to end things right then and there, but he doesn't seem to want to treat you in a gentle fashion - a turn off.
"When you say he may never give me what I want, do you mean never fall in love with me?" ---> ...possibly (one never really knows) and the type of relationship that you want, complete with being a top priority.
>>>Escape girl doesnt mean something derogatory - some people can escape into another's arms and it is heaven (and she feels so valuable and cherished), but...in the end...the heaven sent girl gets screwed. Eventually he will get his act together and then give of himself to someone else.<<<
I would not mind being the escape girl the way that you've described it. I know one thing though, I definitely don't want to lose in the end. Be his comfort until he gets emotionally healthy and then wants to find a new woman-that's not for me. :(
>>>If he is on a dating site looking for dates then definitely forget about him. How can you be his friend? He is not acting like a friend to you or to himself. I would cut this mediocre catch loose so some other woman can be his kids' babysitter.<<<
Yeah, he updated his profile, so it seems he is on the dating site looking, and that is a rotten thing to do since he has not officially ended things with me yet or given me back the tape and my make-up. Since I'm the only woman he was dating, like he says, it's the right thing to do.
I was real good to him. Snuggled with him, held him, kissed him, all the things he complained that his wife never did for him and this is how I get treated.
I guess he just didn't appreciate you. We meet ungrateful people everyday, don't we? The reason I mention being the escape girl is because I was once the "silver lining in the dark cloud" many years ago and I didn't realize way back in time what that exactly meant. But I do now, and now so do you.
In the future try not to place yourself in the rebound position. If you meet someone transitioning, let them walk on by. I have heard of couples who meet on the rebound and things work out well, but not as many as those who break up badly because the guy just needed some comfort until he could screw his head on straight.
Oh man, why do people go looking for the drama in their lives?
I do think you called too much.
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