Dinner with an Ex?
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Dinner with an Ex?
| Fri, 07-13-2007 - 6:57pm |
I have been dating my wonderful sweet loyal loving boyfriend for two years and we have a really great relationship. We are even talking about taking the next step (engagement) in the next six months or so. It is a long distance relationship but we see each other 2-3 times a month and talk every day. Well, I got a call today from an ex-boyfriend from five years ago who I have remained friends with over the years. The ex lives on the opposite coast but has a house in the city I live it too, so we catch up 3-4 times a year. He is going to be in town for a few days and wants to go to dinner and catch up in person since we haven't seen each other in almost two years. I don't know if I should say no because of where my relationship is with my boyfriend/soon to be fiance. I know in my mind my ex and I are just friends and my much-loved boyfriend has nothing to worry about. And I would love to catch up with my ex and hear how several very interesting things have been going in his life. But I also know if the shoe were on the other foot I might be uncomfortable if my boyfriend went out with his ex to dinner. The big catch is my ex is a bit of a celebrity and right now he is top of career (currently on all those tabloid TV shows and in lots of magazines). At what point do you say "I am not married yet, this is just a friend, I am free to enjoy time with friends without guilt" versus "I love and respect my boyfriend so I will cut certain people/friends from my past out of my life that would make him feel uncomfortable and focus on our future"?

Well, for me personally, that day would never come, nor would I expect it to come for my SO/spouse. I wouldn't abandon a friend who happened to be an ex and anyone I was involved with would have to respect that about me (and I'm talking about situations like yours where you truly are platonic friends, nothing more, and neither person still has romantic feelings for the other).
So I would go--no question about it, and I wouldn't have a problem if my SO were to do the same thing.
But, given that you would be uncomfortable if your BF were to have dinner with a friend who happened to be an ex, then I guess you have to live by the behavior you'd expect from him.
Why is it a "catch" that your ex is a celebrity? I'm not following your thinking there. Do you think your BF would think you were just seeing him for that reason?
Sheri
For me, I feel that once you enter into a commited relationship (meaning exclusive boyfriend/girlfriend- especially if serious in nature) then you go with...."I love and respect my boyfriend so I will cut certain people/friends from my past out of my life that would make him feel uncomfortable and focus on our future"?
Some people dont see things that way or wouldnt stop themselves until marriage but if marriage is the result of months and years of dating and establishing respect and responsibility then ... the marriage would be a farce.
I know you feel your ex is a friend, but in reality, he is an "ex". Unless you had children with this man or some other event that by circumstance or chance brought the two of you together in the same room...I wouldn't do it.
I would go, but I would tell my current boyfriend about it ahead of time. Does the current bf know you dated this person? Thing is, if you're not going to go now because you're concerned about how your bf will take it, you may as well chop this person out of your life now, because there's no reason you should be friends after you were married if you can't even be friends with him now. If this person has done nothing to step over boundaries or disrespect your relationship, I can't see a reason to do that.
Good luck with your decision,
Is he making you cut people out? Is this a topic that's even come up.
Thanks everyone for your insightful replies! I decided to not go to dinner with my ex after all. Since the whole purpose for my meeting up with my ex was to say hi and catch up, I thought it would be better to just meet up after work for a drink for an hour or so. The ex got all weird and wanted to do a big dinner and come over to his hotel and such. I got the feeling the ex wanted more than to just catch up! That changed things and I wasn't about to go out with another man who had romantic aspirations.
I never had the chance to tell my boyfriend so I will never know what his response would have been. We have such a good relationship that I think he would have been fine and he knows he can trust me. It is just hard when two people are long distance to deal with this issue. If we lived together and one of us was going to meet an old friend for lunch or drinks, it wouldn't be nearly as complicated because afterwards we would come home to each other and all would be good. But when we are long distance it is impossible not to be concerned since there is no chance to reconnect afterwards.
Thanks again for the comments from everyone! :-)