opinion or advice on this matter

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2007
opinion or advice on this matter
4
Sat, 07-21-2007 - 8:22am
I just took the Compatability test and took for my girlfriend, because pretty much every question I knew what she would do, just because I know her that well and it really said alot about us, very good things.
We are very good communicators and we talk alot and work things out. On the test I was "Crazy in Love" and she was "traditional". Now she does have commitment problems at a point. We are living about hr and half away right now fromeach other for now. We just moved down here from PA and she wanted to meet new people and go out and have fun, thats what she wasplanning on even before we met. I wasnt sure how much I was going to see her because of this and wasnt sure if it would be good. But she has been real cool about us being together and we have spent more time than I thought we were. We are perfect together and I think she is really starting to understand because we have gone out to dinner, took walks on the beach and when we stay home we go to the pool or just watch a movie or cook together and we always comment to each other how on how great of a time we have together. Although I do bring alot of stresses to myself but she doesnt help it. She knows this guy who she is good friends with b/ it was her exs best friend(her ex doesnt live there anymore) and her and roomate go out with him and his friends and at first I was a worried but Im starting to trust, although when she goes out with him and his friends she always gets really drunk and last nite she kept texting me and saying "that she was black out drunk" and everyone else was drunk and I didnt want her driving but she didnt but her roomate who was drunk also drove which wasnt a good move and I was really scared for her safety. I guess her guy friend stayed at her apartment with her and her roomate and no I dont think anything happened but it was on my mind. She texted me this morning telling me she was ok. So does anyone have any opinions/advice?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Sat, 07-21-2007 - 10:22am

If you feel your needs are not being met or that what she is doing is inappropriate or could lead to trouble later on in the relationship...then you need to tell her.

For instance, if you feel that it is inappropriate for you two to have opposite sex friends, then you need to discuss it with her. She may feel it is okay because she does get some need inside of her met by having the attention from this friend, so she'll say that there is nothing wrong with it. Kind of selfish. Everyone says it is a matter of "trust". I dont' agree with that line of thinking. By getting very close to someone of the opposite sex, a person does confide in that person, sometimes things that should be confided to the SO that impacts that relationship. Those types of relationships, not 100% of the time but very often, do compromise the ability of one of the SO to bond appropriately to the other SO. Also, why take a chance in exposing the relationship to a potential threat? For example, say I had an opposite sex friend and my BF and I had a fight. I cry in my beer to the friend and then one thing leads to another and we end up in bed. This happens quite often. It's one thing to socialize as a group - with YOU included. Why were YOU not at this event where she was drunk? To have a one-on-one relationship where there are lots of phone calls and one-on-one meetings with that friend is asking for trouble.

If you two cannot agree on how to be a couple then either she is being selfish in liking that attention or you two have different values. If my SO told me that his feelings were hurt and he was worried about something I was doing,then I would try to see things from his perspective and adjust my behavior...if my relationship with him was truely important.

As far as her drinking, how often does she get drunk? If you don't drink or feel that she has a problem then you need to address it within yourself first. You need to decide whether you have room in your life for someone who has a problem with alcohol.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2007
Sat, 07-21-2007 - 4:15pm
This is real weird but she seems real weird of me being around her friends. I am very protective but also in the past, her exs didnt even want her to go out with her friends and even worse one didnt even want her to be with her family. SHe said that was a big problem in the past because her exs would allow her to be social. Now I kinda feel intimadated to see her friends ina way. I brought up to her that we do alot together but we never actually go out and get some drinks. It seems like u know how most of the time most people wouldnt go out with there mom on a fri nite. She treats me like Im her mom. We go out to dinner and take walks on the beach and go to the pool together and stuff like that but no nite life. She had said before that she wants us to have our own seperate lives too.


Edited 7/21/2007 4:20 pm ET by jhutman
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Sun, 07-22-2007 - 12:58am
It does seem like you do have a problem. It is fine for her to have some friends with whom you rarely have contact. Everyone needs their place to go to confide where there is no threat of leaking back. It seems there is a couple of different things going on. She appears to want to not have a serious relationship because she wants to keep you very separate from her regular group of friends. Of course you each have your own life already, but by saying she wants to have separate lives where you never enter is building a wall. Is it because she was pushed around too much by her exes or is it because she wants to lead another life when you are not around? If she is treating you like her mom and not her SO then you have an additional problem. Okay you are protective. We all are under certain conditions. Obviously she wants a partner in crime, so to speak. Maybe you can loosen up a bit. Have some drinks at home..see if that creates a different atmosphere.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Sun, 07-22-2007 - 7:00am

How often does your girlfriend get blackout drunk.

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