someone PLEASE help!!!
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someone PLEASE help!!!
| Sat, 07-21-2007 - 11:06am |
me and my ex of a year have been apart for almost 2 months. in those two months, i have been absolutely miserable, thinking about him and missing him, but mad at him for some of the things he said to me when breaking up with me. about 2 weeks ago, i started seeing someone, and recently became exclusive with him. last night, my ex text me and said "i'm not going to lie, i miss you."...i told him if he wanted to talk he could call so he did. then he came over and we talked for hours and he said he's missed me and wants to see if we can work it out, slowly. i'm still very much in love with my ex, but this new guy is good to me and matches alot of what i'm looking for. i don't know what to do because i love my ex so much and all i want to do is be with him and work it out, but he'll have to prove alot to me. what do i do?!?!

You make 3 very good points:
"But you see, men have radar, and they always complicate things, once you begin to move on or see someone else. Don't you see how strange it is, that once you met someone you might like, the "ex" pops up? It always happens."
"You need to have a hard talk with the ex."
"Because men don't think before they do something, and he might be missing you now, but who's too say, weeks from now, he changes his mind."
First of all, he can do better than texting you with "I miss you." That's lazy and lame.
You see, the problem with men, is that they take you for granted...and they think you'll always be there to lap up their sh$t. Then...you decide you have had enough..you move on. And gee...maybe the woman they left you for all of a sudden doesn't look so good, or maybe the grass wasn't greener on the other side or maybe...there aren't a lot of babes out there to choose from like they thought.
Whatever his reason, he regrets it right now.
Like dev242 says, he could reel you back in just to throw you back out next week.
My first ex husband fell in love with another woman. He said he was in love with her and wanted a divorce. So I gave him his divorce. About a week before the divorce was final he decided (because of a blowup with the other woman) that he wanted to stop the divorce. Flowers, cards, etc. I could tell by talking with him in person that he was coming back to me for the wrong reasons. I decided to not reconcile with him at that time or any other time because I could tell we were no longer suited for each other. I don't wish him ill - he'll get into more jams in life all on his own. It was a hard decision, but I dont' regret it. He would have left me again....down the road.
So what has he offered to you in terms of reconciliation that assures you that he will not change his mind again and will definitely work towards rectifying whatever problems the two of you had? It really depends if the issues the two of you had are fixable. It is hard for me to comment because you did not post the reason for your break up. The reason for the break up is important.
You met a new guy who seems to like you and pleases you. There is no reason, at this point, to break up with him. Why? Just because your ex decides NOW that he doesn't want to lose you? Why didn't he think of this before? I would hate to see you lose the new guy who treats you well and seems to be better suited for you...just because jerko feels lonely.
Why is that we are so disposable to men? I know they are wired differently but they don't think before they are about to lose the very thing that they SAID they wanted. Talk is just talk. Actions are what you need to see ...to determine his sincerity.
You need to determine his intentions. By that I mean you need to see the basis of his motivations. You need to take another look at your breakup and see what his true motivation was for the break up. Now, you need to see his true motivation for attempting to reconcile with you. For instance, why did he really break up with you? and why does he want you back? Is it just because he is lonely? Or does he realize that whatever it was the drove him to hurt you was motivated by wanting more? In other words...words can hurt and they can create wounds that never heal...but unless the words were such that you cannot heal...dont' look at the words only. Look at the entire picture.
If I look at a situation I am trying to deal with internally...I can see that someone's motivation was to save himself and he was going to expose whomever it was that betrayed him. It wasn't me. I can't blame him for wanting to save himself and expose the truth at all costs...maybe I would have done the same. In the process he may have become attracted to me, I guess. I don't know because he wont talk to me. And until he talks to me face to face...I can't know anything.
For some reason he thinks I do know what he feels...but quite the contrary. I have no idea how he feels or if he feels anything for me. He seems to not take my word for it that I am isolated from him, his words and his world. If he doens't take my word for it...then we'll never be able to communicate..ever...because he'll think I'm operating onthe principle he was trying to expose.
Anyway...in the process of trying to free himself from something, he decided he was going to use me to do so. If I were in his position I dont' know what I would do. But he wasn't thinking about my feelings in regards to the situation or potentially for him. In the process he also humiliated me. The truth hurts but getting violated by him too hurts more. That wasn't his intention, but that is what happened.
You see, his original motivation wasn't ever to woo me..it was to expose the truth. That is what I am summizing from the information I have thus far. Who knows what the entire story is? Again, if I were in his shoes I might have done the same..I dont know because I am not in his shoes. It took a lot of tears and a lot of thinking to try and figure this out...putting my ego aside. But, it seems he's a chickensh$t and wont face me in person. I dont know what he is trying to communicate or prove by not addressing me. Until he faces me in person I can't determine anything. I need to hear what he has to say. I need to hear how he feels.
But, in the interim he could also change his mind and decide that he doesn't want anything to do with me. Again, we need to meet face to face. I deserve that much.
If you stick with this saying you can always figure out the truth (even backwards in time):
"You are what your deep, driving desire is.
As your desire, so is your will.
As your will is, so is your deed.
As your deed is, so is your destiny."
Desire motivates will...will activates deed...and rest is history. That is why actions speak louder than words.
P.S. the man I refer to above does know my feelings for him. Like I said, I dont know his feelings for me...truely I dont. I have attempted to reach him and he does not reply. I guess he is not ready to speak to me. The ball is in his court. I would hate to be so wrong about him. However, unlike you, I do not have any guys waiting in the wing to date me. I mean, eventually I might meet someone one day down the road, but no one is here right now.
Edited 7/21/2007 3:07 pm ET by snafu2006