Is this reasonable?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2007
Is this reasonable?
3
Fri, 07-27-2007 - 10:43am

I would appreciate any opinions on this situation:

I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year. We are both in our mid-twenties. I love him very much and our relationship is generally pretty good. I have some jealousy issues regarding his ex-girlfriend of 5 years who still contacts him (often at 2 or 3 am). My boyfriend and I have discussed my feelings hundreds of times and for the most part, I am feeling better about things. However, he also has a female friend from college who has feelings for him (she told him that she wanted them to be more than friends). I have never met this girl but from what my bf and another friend tell me, she is flirtatious and borderline inappropriate with my bf.

Anyway, yesterday, my bf tells me that he is going to have dinner with this female friend (alone). It would be one thing if they were going out in a group, but going to dinner alone at night with a girl who has had (and may still have) feelings for him, is to me, inappropriate and inconsiderate. It sounds like a date. He knows that it bothers me when he hangs out with her alone, that I don’t trust her, and that I worry in general. For him to make plans to have dinner with her alone and not tell me about it until the last minute is a complete disregard for my feelings. And what’s worse is that instead of understanding that or even trying to understand, he tried to turn it around and make it seem like I am being difficult and unreasonable. I am truly surprised that he is acting so uncaring; I would think that my feelings would be more important to him. I guess I am most bothered by this because I feel like he is supposed to be the one person that I can trust the most not to hurt me and who I would expect to understand me better.

Am I completely over-reacting about my bf having dinner alone with another girl who has feelings for him (and he was with her for like 5 hours)? What is appropriate behavior for friends of the opposite sex and what is crossing the line?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Fri, 07-27-2007 - 1:00pm

I dont envy your situation. My opinion is that your BF is playing with fire with the ex girlfriend calling in the middle of the night and the college friend of the opposite sex. Some people ask for trouble in life. People who engage in behavior that compromises the sanctity of a relationship are people who either like drama, have no regard for their SO's feelings (thus not a great candidate for a long term relationship) or want something to come from these encounters.

I am of the opinion that opposite sex friends result in damaged love relationships. Or..the relationship is lacking and one party is getting their needs fulfilled in some way from the opposite sex friend, like flirtation or feeling sexy, or being "heard" or having their ego boosted.

Many people disagree with me but I have witnessed first hand the damage that happens to relationships including my own and friends and coworkers.

Have you sat down with your BF and expressed how you feel your relationship with him could be compromised by him keeping these women in his life? If so, and he maintains that these people are important for him to keep in his life, then you are either left with accepting an unacceptable situation or you leave. He will only change his behavior if he feels that it is important to HIM. If your feelings are important to HIM then he will change his behavior. If HIS feelings or needs are the only thing that is important to him...then he will not change his life.

"because I feel like he is supposed to be the one person that I can trust the most not to hurt me and who I would expect to understand me better."---> of course you feel this way and it is unfortunate that he is not more appreciative of your love. But people, not just men, are greedy. They always want more. They want the best of everything and if he feels that these women make him feel bigger, stronger, more like a "man" then he will continue to engage in this behavior. If you want to try to get him to express what it is that these women give to him or offer him in terms of his ego then maybe you can open up a conversation that could lead to a better relationship. Maybe he needs you to flirt with him more, in public and in private. You have nothing to lose by trying.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Sat, 07-28-2007 - 7:51pm
IMHO, your BF wants to get his ego struck when answering the calls from his EX ay 2 or 3 AM and when going to dinner alone with this female. If after a year of dating your BF is pulling this crap, it's not a good sign. He may be into dating more while with you type of mode. He may not be committed to you entirely, but to some degree only. Out of respect to you, the right thing to do is FOR HIM to get his act together and tell the EX off and the female as well. To me, your relationship is not a committed one. You're doing the work and getting aggravated while he does the fun part and gets his ego struck. Time to get a new BF....
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Sun, 07-29-2007 - 3:49pm

Yes he should have taken your feelings more into account and been more sensitive but you yourself said you've discussed your feelings over his ex hundreds of times. Perhaps he doesn't want to feel totally dictated to, this girl is not someone he's dated, that could be his point of view.

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