help

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2007
help
3
Sun, 07-29-2007 - 3:03am
i dont know why i am this way but I have recently noticed what a selfish person I am, I always do whatever i want, im always late for dates with my bf or i dont show up, the same with my gfs or i cancel 10 minutes before im supposed to be there and im always late because i constantly think people are out to use me and think when im late i have the upper hand. My bf thinks i dont care because the other day he invited me to a concert 10 mins before it started and i said i would come but i was with my gf at the time and didnt want to drop everything for him but i didnt tell him because i felt bad. but he was so upset and had planned everything. he cooks for me, is always on time, does anything i want and I do give him affection dont get me wrong i give him massages e.t.c, but i feel like im not doing enough and want to be perfect and this may sound strange but i dont have as much money as him and sometimes i feel kind of inferior and he knows many gurls but is only with me i always think he will find someone else and im just temporary, ive just been hurt so many many times that im scared to. Ive also noticed that i am so scared to be alone that as soon as he doesnt answer his phone ill call someone else (preferbly a guy, wishin he;d see us together adn i could make him jealous- although i know he'll be very hurt but at the same time being paranoid about seeing him with someone else when i dont know wat his doing.
I love him so much and i dont know how to show it this may sound strange but i was very badly teased and abused at home and at school from the age of 4 to 14 and i stopped being able to care because ive seen people i thought would care not ever caring and being selfish i dont want to be like that and i am a very sweet person and i care sooo much about others but im so scared of being dissapointed or laughed at that i dont even try. how do i show that i really do care? that i can love and that i am human? what should i do for him? please help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
In reply to: jazzyjazz2004
Sun, 07-29-2007 - 11:59am

jazzyjazz2004, the way I see it, your relationship problems with your BF stem from other problems that have nothing to do with this guy. The best advice I could give would be to seek a counselor with whom you feel comfortable and start to work through the issues that you are attributing to your relationship problems with your BF. Your inability to care will prevent you from forming healthy relationships and friendships. Many people have childhood issues but they do not attribute them to their current relationship problems. That is why I encourage you to find support and help.

As far as your BF goes, unless he is demonstrating behavior that could be deemed untrustworthy, you need to try and trust him to the best of your ability. I wouldn't suggest telling him how insecure you feel about him at this time because some women have had mixed results doing so. Some men find it a turn off, while some men are touched that their GF chose to confide in them. Only you would know how he would respond.

I had a friend who was usually about an hour late to everything. It got to the point where we (the rest of the group) just didn't wait for her any longer. I knew it had to be because she was a despressive and needed to feel important, but it wasn't appropriate behavior. One summer she and I were camp counselors in another state and she didn't make it to the bus station on time and I left without her. I got to the camp way ahead of her that day and I started to make friends without her. By the time she showed up she didn't want to hang with the group of counselors with whom I became friendly. She went in a different direction and stayed there throughout the summer. At one point she did confide that she was unhappy with the summer and I was happy with my summer and she was the one who invited me, why should she be the unhappy one, blah, blah blah. We did have the same age group of kids so we did get to spend time together during the summer, but I knew she would be happy when the summer was over.

As far as you feeling inferior because you dont' make as much money...that is something that you will have to deal with no matter which relationship you are in because, on average, men make more money than women.

In regards to cancelling plans with friends...your BF will have to understand that at times, you may already have plans and he probably wouldn't cancel plans with his friends at the last minute.

The fact of the matter is that all relationships are temporary. Every single one of them. It is just that some last longer than others. Even friendships don't always stay the course. So, the only advice I can give here is to enjoy the time you have with him. Even if you married him, who is to say that it lasts until "death do you part"? But, this does deal with a bigger picture...how do you handle the tough times? When marriages or people go through bad times, sometimes they seek solace in a distraction. The distraction could be work, gambling, an affair or a hobby. Most times people dont think things through so that the immediate need for gratification out weighs any long term desires or goals. So they give in to the affair and it may have nothing to do whomever is cheated on...it is about the cheater and his or her inability to take control of their lives and troubles in a productive manner. It is a very selfish act. So..if it does come to pass one day that your BF does stray...it may trigger this emotion in you..about not feeling perfect or temporary or inferior. Some people would say that your feelings about yourself could propel this guy to look elsewhere...but it doesn't sound like he is feeling disgruntled about the relationship, based on what you posted.

Try to deal with being alone, if that is what happens if you call and he is not there. Try it just one night at a time. If you want to go out with your girlfriends,then have fun. If you go out with a guy to make your BF jealous it could backfire on you. It will not make him love you more it will make him realize that his feelings are not safe with you.

The best thing you can do for him is to get yourself together. In the meantime, try to do one loving thing a day for him or whomever. If you know how to cook, then cook him something sometime. Maybe you can help him out sometime that he needs help with something. Try to show appreciation for him in your life in a way that is comfortable for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2007
In reply to: jazzyjazz2004
Sun, 07-29-2007 - 1:29pm
wow im so touched. thank you so much its just what i needed to hear. your right about everything i never realized that all relationships are temporary and that some last longer than others and that you have to make the best of time together. thank you so much you really helped.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
In reply to: jazzyjazz2004
Sun, 07-29-2007 - 2:47pm
You are welcome. I can't relate to being laughed at or abused from 4 to 14, but it really doesn't matter because we all end up with similar questions and concerns in life. So try to take that out of the picture for yourself as well.