do i put the cards on the table?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2006
do i put the cards on the table?
2
Thu, 08-02-2007 - 1:02am

Here's the scenerio:

- 3 1/2 years ago had an affair with a friend. We were both married at the time. Obviously a bad move. We divulged the affair to our spouses ...I thought (naively) we would end up together. We both ended up going back to our respective spouses.
- 2 years ago, my marriage ended. Though it was dead from the beginning.
- 1 year ago, his marriage ended.
- 2 weeks ago, I found out about his split. I emailed him on a whim to confirm this.
- He now has a girlfriend (for about 6 monthsl they are not living together). We've only been emailing. He's reluctant to meet face to face because of the girlfriend and the fact that she knows our history.
- When asked why he didn't contact me when he seperated from his wife (he knew I had seperated) he said it was because a) he didn't know how to contact me (my logistics have changed) and b) I had, in no uncertain terms, told him to never contact me again at some point during my intial marital reconcilation. I have no memory of that email, but he has no reason to make that up.

Our email contact has been virutally daily, and at his intiation. Once I found out about the girlfriend, I sort of backed off, but he continues to want to correspond. The dynamic is still there. He thought I no longer had any feelings for him. I thought he would always stay with his wife so I buried those feelings.

Needless to say, given his non-married status, I'm grappling over laying my cards on the table in spite of the girlfriend so he understands I don't want to lose my second opportunity to explore what really was a great relationship, with really horrible timing. I feel as though I lost him once (when I was trying to figure out my own life) and now that this second opportunity has come around I should be more ballsy and take a risk.

I appreciate this is a complete sabotage to the girlfriend, but I can't shake the fact that he clearly thought I wanted nothing to do with him when that was among the various lies I was telling myself during the marital reconciliation.

Should I go for it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Thu, 08-02-2007 - 9:00am

That would depend on you and if you actually think that you could have a trusting, honest relationship with him? You both cheated and lied to your spouses, he is lying to his present girlfriend, and you are lying to yourself that this would be good. If he does it with you he most likely will do it to you. He has cheated with you and he will cheat on you.

Is that what you want in a relationship, if so go right ahead down that road. But think of this..a good relationship has to have honesty, trust, respect, love among other things. He feels none of that with you or he wouldn't have cheated with you, but the same thing can be said for you. What goes around comes around. Good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Thu, 08-02-2007 - 12:22pm

Helping him cheat on his girlfriend instead of his wife is hardly the start of a good, healthy relationship.


If you're serious about wanting a chance with him, send him one email and say that you still have feelings for him and would like to explore that when and if he is ever available (meaning no girlfriend).