Have I been a complete fool?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Have I been a complete fool?
3
Thu, 08-09-2007 - 6:10pm

Curious to see what others will make of my recent experience...

Having spent my 20s studiously avoiding dating at the age of 30 I met a lovely guy through work who seemed totally genuine and to my amazement completly besotted with me. I decided to act on impulse and we started dating and to my delight things went brilliantly and although I had always avoiding falling for anyone I let my guard down and fell in love. For a month or so things couldn't have been better, we were both besotted,really happy and couldn't get enough of each other.

However my mum died rather suddenly and I was completely distraught, I had a rather stressful family situation and suggested we break up (as I thought this might all be a bit much for him to handle). he was horrified, told me he loved me and that he would always be there. (he was always more intense than I was)

Anyway we plodded on for a while (one incident alone made me feel uncomfortable, about two weeks after my mum died he spent a weekend in the house of one of our colleagues, a woman I don't really like, but as I was still reeling I didn't really think too much about it.) As a BF he was really attentive and at his own insistence became really involved in my family and personal life. Everyone commented on how much in love he seemed to be. And I really loved having him in my life.

A group trip, with my BF, a mutual friend and the same colleague in the group, was a little bit of a trial mainly as I found her controlling, nothing about our relationship gave cause for concern in fact we seemed rock solid.

A trip home the following month led to a rather traumatic conversation on his return when he said he didn't think we were getting enough time together (after my mum died my home life was hectic and stressful but I was in the process of working out a solution). When I asked him if he wanted to break up (not because I wanted to but because I thought he was finding my situation and grief too much to handle) again he was appalled and said never...
A weekend away followed and we tried to spend more time together, and things were going well, however something inside me began to make me think that he wasn't being completely honest about his plans, he was becoming increasingly homesick (he is from the UK) and more than a little depressed. I tried my best to cheer him up, and even encouraged him to move back home (but not that we break-up) if that would make him feel better, but he asked how could I say that, i was acting as if we had never met. I've always been honest with him and said that I had no interest and too much self-respect to be with someone who was unsure of how they felt about me. A few long, intense conversations followed, all leaving things unresolved bar the fact that, yes he loved me and yes he wanted to be with me.

Anyway I was out of the country for work and received a text to say that he was going home that weekend, something I thought might help him. He returned, we met for lunch and he calmly told me that 'it's not going to work' as he had decided to go home. He still loved me etc etc but, it just wasn't going to work. (but he was still asking me to lunch and desperate to help me move house) What followed was ten days of tears (his) and anguished phone calls (his again) but still the same decision. He refused to let me say my piece so in the end I wrote a letter explaining how hurt I was that he could so suddenly cut me out of his life but that if that's what it took to make him happy then I had to accept it and that part of me would always love him and be grateful for having him in my life at one of the worst times ever. He then became more distant, we work together and have daily contact, although he is due to leave shortly. He can barely look at me, eyes downcast etc. He seems torn,distressed and desperately unhappy...a few people have commented on this and said it's almost as if I had broken up with him, but this may be due to his own troubles and problems at home (he literally can't wait to get back there)

We were together for six months,it's now six weeks on and I'm trying to get on with things, I can't say I'm not bruised and hurt, especially as this has been a bad year anyway, but something tells me I don't have the full story. I mentioned jokingly (not in his presence) that I was planning to go dating again to heal my broken heart, leading to a rather sharp comment from the same colleague that I couldn't have been that heartbroken then could I?? She has taken to inviting my BF to the movies and rather embarrassingly I bumped into them at lunch and she treated me like a leper. We talked about it...it is easier to talk to him now, he apologised and said he was too preoccupied to notice at the time but that he thinks this colleague is toxic (why go to lunch with her then?) and said he had already told her to stay out of his affairs. I'm not pining but I would hate to have been made a complete fool of. He recently suffered a bereavement and we had a good talk, which made me feel beter, as I hate bad feeling, life is too short to waste it being resentful...but I still feel confused. Am I stupid, naive, was he never really interested? Why did he seem so torn and distressed and why behave as if he is acting in my best interests??
If anyone manages to finish this, please let me know what you think!?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Thu, 08-09-2007 - 8:21pm

My condolences for your loss. I think the problems began when you suggested breaking up with him a couple of times when your mother died thinking he wouldn't be able to handle the situation. That had to be confusing for him. When a man suggests spending more time together and a woman says okay then let's break up...it is almost like you two are having separate conversations. It sounds like you pushed him away. He cant keep pleading to get your attention and time...eventually he will give up.

What I dont understand is why he spent that weekend at the colleague's house? Based on your post she sounds like she is interfering in your relationship with him. If she is toxic then it will be apparent sooner than later.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2007
Thu, 08-09-2007 - 10:12pm
You were going through a tough time, but you suggested a break-up with him so many times. It doesn't sound like you were that into him anyway. I don't know why you care now. Is it just for your ego? If that really is the case, cut the guy a break. You two are DUNZO, so why waste time thinking about it? Seems like he's moved on. You should do the same.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 12:58pm
You intended this for msplath and instead it came to my email.