I'm going crazy..

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2007
I'm going crazy..
1
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 4:07am

I'm 20 years old, so I am very young, but have been in quite a few relationships. All of which I got extremely hurt in by cheating, lieing, etc. Now..

Over a year ago, I was introduced to a wonderful guy. A year older than me, and absolutely perfect. So we are almost at a year together, and I find myself constantly jealous and scared he is cheating on me. I have a big problem with going through his phone, seeing who he talks to, what he says, who he calls, all of that. I know it's wrong, but I just can't seem to stop.

There is this girl he is friends with.. a girl he has a past with.. probably about 3 or 4 years ago. She's younger than me, attractive, and obviously someone he is attracted to still, this I know for sure. I don't blame him. I am attracted to other guys, I finally realized how normal that is.

My problem is that he flirts with her. It's over text message, but I don't know what happens when they really hang out. He has once told her about a dream he had of her, about how great her butt looked one night, and just basic flirting. It bothers me to no end, I feel like I am going crazy. I also flirt a lot, so I feel like I am being completely irrational. But that fact that he has a past with her and is attracted to her scares me so much.

I had talked to him once about a comment he made about her body. He was upset because I went through his phone. He said he was sorry but told me she is basically like his sister. He has known her for many years. However, would you tell someone who is like your brother/sister that they are hot or about sexy dreams you have had. Or talk about other sexual things?

I don't bother him about it. I keep it to myself because he constantly tells me how perfect I am, how beautiful and wonderful I am, how in love with me he is, how I am the girl for him, everything he has always wanted and needed, among so many other things. He has told a couple people he wants to marry me one day..

Am I being crazy and obsessive? Any tips on how to stop? Because when I am not with him, all I think he is doing is hanging out with her or talking to her, or thinking of her. I'm about to pull my hair out...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 11:08am

Both of you exhibit behaviors that indicate that neither of you are ready for any kind of commitment. One does not comment on another's body if they are commited to a relationship. You both flirt which undermines any kind of trust that could have been built between the two of you. You both go out with opposite sex friends which is not healthy for a relationship because of the flirting that goes on between opposite sex friends. It seems as though your emotions are wanting that exclusivity that comes with a real relationship. You should be the only one who he addresses in a sexual way and vice versa. If it is okay to flirt with everyone and address everyone sexually, what is so special about being in a commited relationship? He may not go for any changes right now, but maybe you both can talk about your lifestyle and how it impacts your relationship.

Trust is earned, not just given. Of course there has to be some trust between people in general to be able to step into dating, but real trust takes time to develop and it is only developed by consistently demonstrating trustworthy behavior. Your BF does not exhibit trustworthy behavior so it is understandable that you are not feeling secure within the relationship.