Breaks: good or bad?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2007
Breaks: good or bad?
11
Sun, 12-02-2007 - 5:06pm

Hello,

I've posted a few times about my boyfriend who seemed to grow distant. I also asked him if he loved me (which wasn't the best things to do, but what's said is said) and he told me no, but he cares about me. We've been together almost a year and our relationship is changing do to his work. He claims I am pressuring him because I want to see him more. We used to see each other almost 4-5 times a week...down to 2 if we're lucky.

Last night, we saw each other for the first time in 10 days. We talked on the phone twice during those days, with me being the one to have to contact him first. We went to a bar and he seemed distant. We talked, and I would put my hand on his shoulder or leg, like always. Well, he tells me that relationships change and we shouldn't have to touch all the time. So, I stopped. After an hour or so, he began touching me by holding my hand and resting his hand on my leg. We get back to my apartment and he says that he's realized the relationship has gotten serious and he's not ready for it so he wants his space and to take a break for two to three weeks. He told me that he wants things to be more relaxed in our relationship like it was in the beginning. He said he felt pressure when I would send him a text that said I miss you, or asking to see him. He also said that just because we're taking a break doesn't mean he won't call or we won't see each other, and that he feels we need to start from square one. He wants us to be able to have fun when we go out without the need to discuss our relationship (it got to a point where when we would see each other we would talk about an issue-but i only was seeing him once or twice a week). He said that he cares about me and will always care about me,but that I became dependent on him. He said if we're meant to be together we will be together. I understand where he is coming from-but my question is: Do taking breaks lead to breaking up? Does he want to make it work, but really does need some space? Or is he trying to let me down easy or string me along? Is it possible to start over? Is it possible to have a serious relationship with him after a break.

I just don't know what to think. He wants to take a break-yet we will still see each other but, when we do see each other he wants it to be like we've just started dating. Any thoughts would be great!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2007
Sun, 12-02-2007 - 9:31pm

Personally, I think he wants to break up with you and just doesn't want to hurt you. I think that he has already told you he doesn't love you, he doesn't want a serious relationship with you, he even gets uncomfortable when you touch him and show affection. To me, that says he's just not in love with you, not wanting a serious relationship with you, and just doesn't know how to end it.


I personally think it's impossible to move backwards in a relationship. It can't be like you just started dating because you haven't just started dating.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2007
Sun, 12-02-2007 - 9:50pm

Breaks dont always accomplish what the person requesting the break thinks it will accomplish.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Mon, 12-03-2007 - 10:28am

Breaks *can* be constructive ... if the reason for the break is because the person (or maybe both people) need to work something out individually, something that is best done while not in the day-to-day of a relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2007
Tue, 12-04-2007 - 6:45am

'..We get back to my apartment and he says that he's realized the relationship has gotten serious and he's not ready for it so he wants his space and to take a break for two to three weeks. He told me that he wants things to be more relaxed in our relationship like it was in the beginning. He said he felt pressure when I would send him a text that said I miss you, or asking to see him. He also said that just because we're taking a break doesn't mean he won't call or we won't see each other, and that he feels we need to start from square one. He wants us to be able to have fun when we go out without the need to discuss our relationship (it got to a point where when we would see each other we would talk about an issue-but i only was seeing him once or twice a week). He said that he cares about me and will always care about me,but that I became dependent on him. He said if we're meant to be together we will be together'


Translation from man-speak: 'Look, I've realised that I am not into you all that much, don't fancy you enough,

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2006
Tue, 12-04-2007 - 9:38am

It really does sound like he's trying to soften the blow of a break up by calling it a "break" which sounds more temporary. You have to take care of yourself in this situation, regardless of what he is thinking or feeling. No contact would probably be the best way to go. You could tell him that if you guys really are going to have a break you want it to be clean with no contact or attempts at being friends. Give him a specific amount of time say a month or whatever and tell him if he wants to talk about things then to give you a call. The ball is then in his court and if he doesn't call, you have your answer as to if he wants to be with you. This will make it easier for you and you won't have to see him every time you turn around and he can't string you along if you guys aren't having any contact.

Good luck,

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2007
Tue, 12-04-2007 - 4:37pm

Girl, kick him to the curb!


Why after all this time is he starting to give you the run around?

TLC
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2006
Thu, 12-06-2007 - 9:05am

I am sorry all these posters are so negative. According to John Gray (Men are from Mars, Woman from Venus) there is a phase of dating where people question the relationship.

I say give your man the space he needs. Use all your strength not to contact him, even though it is difficult. I think there is a good chance he will come back to you. He may need even more than three weeks, perhaps five or six.

Good Luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2005
Thu, 12-06-2007 - 11:17am

Yes he's trying to let you down easily. He needs some space from you, permanent space.

At this point, you can't really listen to anything he says, OK? So, don't go asking him to explain things to you. There is a bigger picture going on here. His actions have already proved it is over between you two.

See it for what it is...the sooner you get on with your life the better. Take control of this situation, of your life. Get this guy out of your system. Make a list of everything you are interested in life that doesn't have to do with him, and get to work on it... The breakUP will get easier and soon you won't even be thinking of him.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2005
Thu, 12-06-2007 - 11:21am
Also, I know it hurts, but be strong! You gotta focus on what you should do in order to move on.
(hugs)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
Thu, 12-06-2007 - 1:17pm

Hon, I have to agree with the others - he is 'breaking up' with you and hopes that telling you it's just for a couple of weeks and we can hang out will make it easier for you.


Men distance when they aren't 'feeling the love' so to speak - the fact that he has issues with basic affection, well that is pretty much a nail in the coffin. I am sorry. After a year you don't go backwards - you go forward TOGETHER or not at all.


Do yourself a huge favor and allow him to let you go - he doesn't want to be with you and I know that hurts. But once you process this and move past it, you will see that he is doing you a huge favor and allowing you to go find someone who DOES love you and miss you and all those things that he isn't.

Toni

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