Am I wrong or Is She Just Selfish?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2007
Am I wrong or Is She Just Selfish?
17
Thu, 12-06-2007 - 1:30pm

Met a girl from an online site. Same age range, from same part of country, all looked great!

First Date...awesome, great chemistry, things in common, fun!

Second Date...went to dinner, told her beforehand that i had a surprise to do after dinner (told her before the date). anyhow, the date was going awesome! touchy-feely, laughs, wow! this girl is awesome!

i told her at dinner we were gonna go go kart racing afterwards! i thought a fun thing to do, different! she was very excited about the idea.

we continue to have dinner and were drinking wine. she started to get apprehensive because we were drinking that maybe we shouldn't go 30mph in carts afterwards... we laughed about it, and i said yes, you're right, we'll do it another time.

THEN...she says her friends are out downtown, we could go meet them. now, this was only our SECOND date. plus, the place she wanted to go was a place i don't like at all...very trendy, snobby, and LOUD.

but, i agreed, of course!

we walk into the bar, her friends were half in the tank already.. she did introduce me to them, there were over 6 of them plus a couple of guys. i tried my best to talk to them, but none were really receptive. believe me, i never met a stranger! but, it was like pulling teeth a little bit trying to talk with them. like i said, it was a club, loud and not easy to hear people talk. my date seemed to be having a great time with her friends, and i was miserable. the kicker was that i talked to one of her friends who coaches her daughters soccer team...i volunteer coach for the past 8 years myself, so we had a nice conversation. not two minutes after i stop talking to her, i move over and my date was talking with her. the girl who i'd been talking with over coaching asks my date..'so, where'd you meet leroy over there?'....leroy????? are you kiddin me??? then my date proceeded to lie about where we met (told her at some bar), and never said....'his name is ron,, not leroy, thank you'

she saw this, but not once asked..'hey, are you ok?' , or, 'if you're not having fun, we can go do something else alone together'.... afterall...IT WAS A DATE, and only the second.

so, after 2 hours of me sitting there at the end of the table, bored to tears, we're paying out. thank god! then as we leave, her drunkest friend, 37 with a 9 year old at home, decided to drag us into a college bar...avg age 25. we're all in our mid 30's. so, there i was, standing in a place i didnt belong in. it was awful.

i left her that night and shook my head the entire ride home....is this what she's really like? is she a club rat at 34 STILL?

a few days past and i wrote her an email. in that i said that i'm 36 and not 26 and didn't enjoy those places. i told her her friends weren't very social with me (but then again, they didn't know me or who i was to her!). plus i mentioned the college bar, the 'leroy' comment and some other things. in the end, i basically said i'm not looking for that in a woman, but since she's single she can do whatever she wants...she can!

she called the next night and although she didn't apologize for what happened, wanted to talk about it.

we did the next date. she wasn't contrite at all. instead saying things like...'why couldn't you just go with the flow', and 'you could've left , you know'.. and 'i'm not a club rat, but my friends were there, so that's where they wanted to go'.....plus, she swears she never remembered her friend insulting me by calling me 'leroy'....

should i be upset that in that club she showed no consideration for me as her date? that she wasn't sorry about any of it? is this girl just plain selfish? she's 34, never married....

you tell me...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2006
Thu, 12-06-2007 - 1:43pm

Okay, a girl that turns down go cart racing to go to clubs.. that's crazy. You should have dumped her right then! Just kidding. I digress. But she does sound a bit selfish or maybe she's just clueless, who knows? However, be glad you found out after 2 dates and not 10.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
Thu, 12-06-2007 - 1:58pm
I wouldn't say she is selfish - but it does sound like you two are not compatible - your lifestyles are not in synch.

Toni

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2007
Thu, 12-06-2007 - 2:28pm
I believe that you are justified in feeling disappointed and hurt.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2007
Fri, 12-07-2007 - 6:21am
I know this isn't what you wanted to hear, but IMHO and experience, it isn't either that she is a 'club-rat' or that she is selfish. She just wasn't all that into you I'm afraid. If she felt a strong physical and mental connection with you, was very attracted to you and had the 'wow' kind of vibe in general about you I don't think she'd take you to a loud club, let alone more or less ignore you there. I know I wouldn't. I did exactly what this woman did once too, when I was doing OLD some years back.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
Fri, 12-07-2007 - 7:31am

The fact of the matter is she was out on a date with YOU. She wasn't out with her friends and you met up with THEM. That is the distinction. Had you met up with THEM than I would say YOU should have lightened up and went with the flow but she should have done more to make you feel more comfortable, she should have picked up on the vibe that her friends weren't receptive to you, she should have been able to pick up on the fact that nobody was really talking to you and you were sitting by yourself and said, "Well we are going to take off now" and left with you. Not said "Well you could have left" Who says that to their date.

Like I said she was your date for the evening, you didn't meet up with them. You could have left. REALLY??? She is selfish. that proves it.


NEXT!!!!

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Smile,

Deirdre

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2007
Fri, 12-07-2007 - 11:10am
I agree with you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Fri, 12-07-2007 - 12:46pm

Whether or not she is selfish or immature doesn't seem to be relevant to the bigger issue of whether or not this is someone you are truly compatible with. My experience is that when something like this comes up before a relationship becomes exclusive, especially within the first few dates, you are probably better off throwing that match back to the sea and going fishing again. I feel your pain...an awesome first date with someone you seem to "click" with and then a disappointing second date...it does suck.


And I agree with the others...on a second date with someone you don't really know your energy should be focused on getting to know each other, and this is not done in a loud club with a big group of friends she's talking to more than you.


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2007
Fri, 12-07-2007 - 1:14pm

thanks so much to you and the others for responding to my post.


yes, that was my main problem....it was

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2007
Fri, 12-07-2007 - 3:19pm

"oh god, why are you doing this to me????

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2006
Fri, 12-07-2007 - 4:00pm

When I have crazy stuff happen I just chalk it up to the Universe having a sick sense of humor. ;)

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