When Is It Exclusive?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
When Is It Exclusive?
9
Thu, 12-06-2007 - 6:15pm

If you've dated someone for a while that you met online, when should the two of you either discuss becoming exclusive....or how do you bring it up? I've been dating this wonderful man for

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-06-2007 - 6:28pm

It's exclusive when you discuss it and both expressly agree that it's exclusive.


My personal preference is not to sleep with someone unless we've talked about it and

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2007
Fri, 12-07-2007 - 11:10am

As far as timing exclusivity...it is really an individual kind of thing...something that is unique to each different relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Fri, 12-07-2007 - 12:38pm

Hi there :-)


First of all, I am very sorry to hear about your cancer. It sounds as though your new man is the supportive type, though, this is a very good trait in a potential boyfriend (and who know what else later).


Exclusivity by default is not the same thing as exclusivity by choice. I have seen feelings get hurt by both men and women on account of this difference. I tend to see the "exclusivity talk" as the one of the most important moments of a relationship. This is moment when you choose to give each other (and your new bond) a chance at possibly becoming permanent by concentrating on each other. Personally, I think of it as practical AND romantic when approached in this way.


After you become exclusive (not necessarily immediately after), then I think it would be time for you and he to talk about meeting his daughter and any other family members. These things tend to run their course naturally. If an extended period of time passes (months, let's say) after you've become exclusive and he's still not comfortable with you meeting people close to him, then it's a problem.


A word of advice about meeting his daughter, as time goes on I would pay special attention to getting to know the girl and bonding with her. Find out what her interests are and make an effort to build a relationship with her separate from the one you have with her father. If you two do wind up getting married one day, this will be very important in the family transition...probably easier if the bond is built over time and from the first day you meet one another. Trust has to be built, but I'm sure with proper care and feeding you and the girl can get along well at least. Remarriage can be a

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2007
Fri, 12-07-2007 - 6:55pm
On our 7th date I had sex with my boyfriend. He said he wasn't dating anyone else, but I never had a talk with him specifically telling him I wanted to be mutually exclusive. All I said was I didn't want to be a 'fling'. Not very specific I know. And he gave the politician answer 'only time will tell' which was even less specific.

Ten days later I found out he had a profile on match.com. I paid the $40 to make a fake profile to see if he would fall for the bait (I know, very deceiptful). I didn't even have to 'wink' at him, he was on it within 24 hours.

His excuse was we never had a 'talk' discussing if we were mutually exclusive or not, and that he just wanted to date other people to see what else was out there, not have sex with them.

I said that I realize the male perspective is different from the female perspective, but from my point of view, once I sleep with someone it is IMPLIED that we are mutually exclusive. Him thinking that we weren't exclusive makes me feel like he thinks that I'm a slut, and that he thinks of me as nothing but a lay.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
Sun, 12-09-2007 - 12:20pm

Thank you all for the wonderful and timely advice. I am going to remain patient and wait and see what clues he gives out. If talk of the future comes up, then I will ask him about being exclusive and when does he plan to remove his personals ad. I am wondering if he's just waiting for the subscription to expire? Anyway, I am not going to drive him off or drive him crazy just because I am a bit insecure, eager and nervous.


Happy Holidays! Merry Christmas to you and yours!


M.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2007
Tue, 12-11-2007 - 12:33am
i would say take a chill pill on the meeting the parents and other "next step" stuff.
PLAY IT COOL...read the book "why men love bitches" seriously i think it holds truth to a lot of mistakes us girls make.

"Love can move Mountains" 2008
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Sat, 12-15-2007 - 5:06pm
I agree. It's best to take your time to get to know each other before really stepping up the involvement, especially if there are kids in the picture.
,
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
Mon, 01-07-2008 - 8:05pm

I am here to update everyone on how it's going. We are only seeing each other, we talked about it a week or so ago, and are only dating each other at this time. I had a wonderful weekend with him. I had to have two surgeries in regards to my breast cancer and he took me to the hospital and took care of me after the two surgeries. He's definitely a keeper and a man of his word. My sentinel lymph node biopsy (surgical checking of the lymph nodes to make sure the cancer has/hasn't spread) came out negative. There's no cancer in the lymph nodes and that's good news for me. I will still have to have chemo and radiation but no lymph nodes have to be removed.


Happy New Year!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Tue, 01-08-2008 - 11:04am
I definitely agree.
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