Advice needed please

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2007
Advice needed please
5
Sun, 12-23-2007 - 4:41pm

I met a guy recently and he told me that he has 2 children from 2 different women for which he didn't marry. Now he supports his daughters and sees them every other week and he speaks as if he loves them dearly, I believe he does. I havent asked him why the relationships with either woman didnt worked out in the long run but I'm concerned that he may have a fear of commitment.


He speaks very highly of his 7 y/o daughters mother but he described his 3 y/o daughters mother as the person who "gave the devil lessons". He told me all of this on our first date, needless to say I was shocked but didnt run out of the door screaming.


What are some reasons why a man would end up in this situation? Is it a fear of commitment or poor judgment on his and his ex's part for not using birth control? Is this a red flag in your opinion? I intend to ask him for more details about the relatiohsips he had/has with the ex's but I'm not sure if it's too soon to ask. We see each other once a week and he's very honest and open. He told me that he has made a lot of mistakes in his life, he's 36, and that after his 3 y/o was born he realized that he was living for more than just himself now. He's a good person, perhaps his daughters were a result of immaturity and carelessness...


I just want to be careful and am looking for some honest advice/opinions on

057.gif picture by angelique1514

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 12-23-2007 - 4:48pm

I think you'll have to wait and see--get to know him better before you're able to make a judgment about why he made the decisions he did.


I wouldn't infer fear of commitment necessarily--there may be good reasons he didn't marry or stay with either woman (it sounds like that's definitely the case with the younger child's mom).


I'd be curious as to whether he now is very careful with birth control--and why he didn't learn a lesson from the first time around.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2007
Sun, 12-23-2007 - 6:16pm

Thank you for your response Sheri. I guess I just have to put my mind at ease and just come out and ask him about it all. The worst he could do is not answer my questions.


Now as far as birth control goes...I've joked with him about how fertile he is and

057.gif picture by angelique1514

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2007
Sun, 12-23-2007 - 7:33pm
A guy who does this to himself is a person who doesnt think before he does something.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2007
Fri, 12-28-2007 - 8:21pm

Well I asked him about the last 2 relationships he was in and he was open to discussing them with me, which is what I'd hoped for!


He told me that he was with his 3 y/o childs mother off and on for 2 years, "more off then on", and that it was a very rocky relationship and he knew that he never should have gotten involved with her because she was a rather mean person but he was attracted to her. He told me that when she told him that she was pregnant he doubted that the child was his because she spent the 2 years they were together cheating on him with other men. When his daughter was born he had a paternity test done just to make sure. He told me that he doesn't have any bad feelings toward her and that they get along well, even though she can be difficult to deal with from time to time. Apparently she has an older daughter from another man also.


He was in a 5 year

057.gif picture by angelique1514

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2007
Sat, 12-29-2007 - 3:50pm

hey ams, you really dont owe any of us here any explanation for wanting to date this guy.