Confused - wondering if it's worth it
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Confused - wondering if it's worth it
| Thu, 12-27-2007 - 1:08pm |
I have been best friends with a man for many years. He calls me every night, and always spends holidays with me, when he can. (His family moved to a state some distance away a couple of years ago.) Neither of us have dated anyone else, but he doesn't consider me a "girlfriend." We are intimate occasionally (not a lot....). He's in his late 30's, still lives at home, and jumps when his family wants him to. He also works in the family business. Last time I saw him, we had a special night together, & he said he didn't want to go. He prefers to live in my state, but his family wants him with them. He recently told me that he didn't want to date me "at this time." I pullled back, said, "okay, you don't want to date me," and he told me that that wasn't the whole issue. I said, "you mean 'at this point'?" and he said, "yeah." He told me there were a few issues that bothered him re. me - I get jealous, moody, I don't have a car or have my finances in order, etc.... At first I thought these were just excuses, but I really did act kind of bratty & clingy in the last year or so. I am currently trying to address some of my issues through counseling, but I am wondering if this is all worth it? He's spending New Year's with a guy friend in a large city (he knew I wouldn't have enjoyed it.... but I am changing, and am trying to be more bold & laid-back....). I will get to see him for a couple of weeks, then his family wants him back with them. On Christmas, he opened my presents to him with me over the phone. That night he told me that he was concerned that I might think re. taking medication to deal with my issues (which I wouldn't), because he finds me interesting and that medication might make me less unique. He said I sometimes drive him crazy, but part of the reason he stays connected to me is because I am interesting. He also said he found me pretty, nice, smart, and funny. We talk re. marriage & weddings sometimes, and the conversations are like this: Me: "I might like to have _____ at my wedding." Him: "Well, I don't like ____" - basically, he puts himself right into the husband role, instead of "well, at my wedding, I would have something different...." I just don't know if this relationship is strong enough to survive long-distance. I don't want to scare him away, either, if there is a chance. I just don't know if I can be strong enough (you know, not jealous or insecure.....always wondering if he's met someone new...). Thanks for any advice.

>>>>I just don't know if this relationship is strong enough to survive long-distance. I don't want to scare him away, either, if there is a chance.<<<<
Right now you don't have a relationship, you have a friends with benefits arrangement. He had told you he doesn't want a relationship with you right now. Believe what he tells you. If you want a relationship now, then he's not the guy for you and you should move on.
Also, this guy's enmeshment with his family will not magically end if he's your boyfriend. It will still be a issue that the two of you will face. Ask yourself if you really want to wade into these murky waters for a guy that doesn't even want a girlfriend right now.
>>>>We talk re. marriage & weddings sometimes, and the conversations are like this: Me: "I might like to have _____ at my wedding." Him: "Well, I don't like ____" - basically, he puts himself right into the husband role, instead of "well, at my wedding, I would have something different..<<<<<
Don't read too much into the above statement. This could be just his way of continuing the conversation with you and probably has no meaning to him at all. Words mean very little, action means everything. If he takes you ring shopping, then assume he might be marriage minded, otherwise don't over analyze his statements.
Good luck,
YG
http://twodatediva.blogspot.com/
YG
http://twodatediva.blogspot.com/
The guy has basically said that if you remain who you are then he is not interested in dating you - that is how I would take it if I was in your shoes.