What factors make a rebound work?
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| Wed, 01-09-2008 - 6:40am |
I am dating a man who has been separated from his wife for over 18 months, but the ink just dried on the divorce because of her drama. I have had a similar timeline on the separation, but my ink dried almost a year ago. I ended my relationship after years and years of trying to fix what I could by working on myself, but my ex was too damaged. His ex is difficult for him to deal with, and he deals with her frequently (I hardly hear from mine). Anyway, I have been dating around here and there, but no one has caught my interest until now. I keep hearing "watch out--rebound" from boards like these.
But here is my issue: I have never been one to have serious relationships frequently...I dump men as soon as I see that they have issues that would not be compatible with my marriage ideals. The only serious relationship I had before this one was my ex (12 year marriage ended--first five years were great)...all the others were casual dating or frequent hanging out. I I have many guys as friends so I think that helps me weed them out even more...lol.
When is a rebound ok? I ask that because as I sit here, I realize that my brother is married to his rebound, my coworker is married to her rebound (and his--they started dating before his divorce was final), my mom is married to her rebound (my dad), and my best friend is married to her rebound. Every single one of these people is HAPPILY married. My coworker and I talked about her situation, and she said it took a failed serious romance to realize what she really wanted, and her husband felt the same. So maybe that is why I am not sure about the rebound effect. I keep hearing about it, but I don't see it in my circles at all. In fact, I cannot think of a single friend who had a failed romance because it was a rebound. Do I have strange friends? All I can figure is that they are all pretty self-aware people. I know it must be a phenomenon because I DO read about it often; I just don't see it in person.
Maybe we all have different timelines? Maybe there is no real formula? I don't know the answer to this. It may just be I have strange friends! lol
What could be so different from the people I hang with so that they are not experiencing the rebound effect? One thing we are trying to do is to work on our friendship first--barely anything physical (closed mouth kisses) has happened because we want to make sure we are compatible before we take it to that level and get too giddy (and this has been really really hard for both of us!).

Just because you are the first person he has dated since his ex doesn't make it a rebound. To me, a rebound is something that you intend to be short term from the beginning. It doesn't sound like this is the case with the two of you. If I were in your situation, I would continue to take it slow and give him the space to deal with his ex and see where things go.
Good luck,
YG
http://twodatediva.blogspot.com/
YG
http://twodatediva.blogspot.com/
If you look at things logically everyone is rebounding from some relationship (significant or insignificant)
I think the key as to whether a rebound might work is whether the person whose relationship ended recently has done the inner work to move on, or not.
Hi aimsicle,
Your frustration is well warranted.
I was in a 2 year relationship that was not healthy.