My story and what IS dating?
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| Tue, 02-19-2008 - 3:12pm |
I am furious....I wrote out an extremely long post..stupid me didnt copy it so when I went to post, my pc froze for eons and I lost it all. I should know better by now.
I am cutting out all the background of my horrid drinking/abusive life and will try to get to the real question.
I dont know HOW to date. All of my past guys were either sexual encounters, bf's, or husbands. I am seperated/going through a divorce at age 42 and still have no clue what dating really is.
I understand it means going slow, not TOO connected, breathe, take time..but how do I make my head and heart understand this? I started online dating a few months ago, and either slept with the guys, broke off those that didnt click with me, or scared away the few i actually did like and saw as promising.
Now I am seeing a guy whom I met many months ago through Match.com but never physically met until 2 weeks ago. Our dates have always been at my apartment with alcohol involved, and yes I slept with him (Bruce).
He kept contact through emails, talking, texts for 2 weeks, but brought up too many ex girlfriends. We took a break by my request.
After a few weeks we hooked up again this Sunday. As usual I started drinking, but not drunk. He asked me to date him. We cuddled in bed all night because I was having my period. It was wonderful!!
Stupid me started wondering what DATING means the next day. We text and I asked him..still didnt make sense to me. I emailed him last night and really put him in a spot so to speak. this is his reply:

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~Just a little bit more info.
My mom never was happy that I can ever recall or remember, even to this day. She blamed everything on the men in her life (she had 9 kids, 3 fathers) and often told us girls that 'men were evil, sex was evil"
I am my mothers only illegitimate child. She hid that fact until HE told me at age 12. When she found out I knew the truth I got beat. When I was 18 my bio father tried to rape me, I got away thank GOD. Before all this, when I was 16 and just had had my first child, my mother called me the Devil and my children Devils Spawn. Mind you, I was a quiet shy child. I was also the one who got stuck cleaning up after my sisters for years and taking the blame for things due them (like Cinderella) I am also one of the only ones who never dared back talk my mother or step dad.
I have been raped 4 times, that doesnt count the years of telling both husbands 'no' and still getting sexually abused.
I know I carry a load of BS from my past. I understand all that. Every person I have ever met in my life has no clue to what I grew up with as I keep a pretty good wall up and just smile.
I dont have a good self steem nor strong belief IN ME. I ran away from school at age 15, went to college at age 28 and did awesome: VP of honors society, Dean's list every semester
~Lisa =))
Z
Hi Copperarab,
Welcome to the board!!
Hello z...I hear your words..and I thank you for responding.
I had done some counseling before I married the second time. It didnt last long as both husbands were military and my second one (then a fiancee) left for the Gulf war and I didnt have a drivers license yet (i know..geesh and I was 25!) and had no way to get to the therapists office on a weekly basis.
I did spend two years buried in psychology classes while in college (i am proud to say that I am the only one in my whole family with a degree) and learned a lot about why I am the way I am, about additions, abuse, etc..
During my long second marriage I also read every self help book I could get my hands on. You should see the 2 long bookshelves in my hallway, 70% are about healing in some form or another.
So I am not totally against seeking help at all. I have looked online to find a list of therapists approved through my soon-to-be ex's insurance right after I left him, but just havent had any luck finding what I need. He is about to switch insurances, so on March 1st all providers will be changed. I guess that would be the best time to revamp my search.
My girls are grown. My one son was taken from me at age 2 by my first ex husband. I didnt have the money to fight him for long..I was in college, three kids at home, working, and he had taken my son halfway across the US and hid out for years.
My daughters have or are all going through short marriages/divorce. Unlike mine, their husbands werent alcoholics nor abusive. Two of them married too soon and figured it out within a year, my middle daughter..we still havent figured out why she ran off from him.
I have 3 grandchildren. I am raising one of them that will be 5 yrs old next month. I have had her since birth.
I did do my best raising my kids. I stayed home with them until they were all in school. I never abused them. I rarely drank, kept a spotless house, and did everything for them. I wasnt happy..I am sure they knew that.
All 3 of my daughters work and attend college. Not big universities, but I am proud that they are making something of themselves and will have careers.
This new guy, Bruce, barely drinks at all. He is an instructor at a large university an hours drive from me, he also has a part time plumbing business he does on the side. He has never pressured me for sex, and was even just happy to cuddle up with me on Sunday night when it was just a bad time of the month for me (you know what I mean).. he
~Lisa =))
~Thanks Kristie..I have purchased a ton of books on dating, online dating, self esteem, etc.. I have read a few, they make sense..lol..its just hard to keep it all in line.
The last 10 years or so of my marriage I was emotionally alone and started cutting my feelings off to stop the hurt. I pretty much became numb and learned how to let things roll off my back so to speak. It wasnt until I left the ex and started dating that all these locked up feelings poured out..it was crazy! I really had though my hormones had died..NOT.
Maybe I am not mentally ready for a relationship. But I feel like I have been single for 10 yrs or more, so you can understand WHY I would like a guy in my life..those kisses and hugs are pretty nice too =)
Thanks for those links. I visit two of the regularly, but will check into the rape, suicide one as those were a huge part of my younger years..
Hugs to you!
~Lisa =))
Z
Hey again z...after your last post to me I checked you out..an ass model? wow.. I also made a note of the several books you have listed that you highly believe in.
Thanks =)
Okay.. I set out in life at age 15 with no self esteem. Though I have the strengths in me to be a leader, I dont have faith in myself, so am a follower... I followed the worst crowd in HS and blew my grades away, I followed the classic punk gang in my small town in NH and got into trouble as a juvenile. I followed my teen bf's and ended up having kids..the list goes on and on.
I simply just do not believe in me. I am scared of life pretty much..use to have some pretty bad anxiety attacks in my 20's. Once a doctor put me on meds for depression, but I tossed them as I didnt like the way they made me feel (plus I dont believe in pills) I just am too afraid to do much of anything. I have no hobbies, really. If im not working, I just drop my granddaughter off at preschool and come back to my shoebox apartment because I dont know where to go.
I have had moments of feeling like I could do something, but fear of failure prevents me from risking anything.
The 18 yr marriage confined me to 4 walls for the most part. I didnt work most of the time, wasnt allowed friends, and he checked my odometer to make sure I only went to the store twice a week. The ex was even jealous of my children, so I was the peacemaker..always.
When I set out on this new adventure of being single I had dreams and goals....ideas, but set backs financially, having to withdraw from college per judges orders (i was going for a business degree last fall) my car wreck in December and really blowing this dating stuff has set me back in those same 4 walls. Different house.
So I am my own worse enemy...lol...people I speak to are so amazed I have no life really. So yeah, I dont allow my own self esteem to flourish and grow.
~Lisa =))
Have you considered quitting drinking and going to AA?
Only you will know when you are ready for the relationship, but I can relate on feeling alone in the middle of a relationship.
If I was in your shoes I probably wouldnt be worrying about dating and I'd be more concerned about the fact that I couldnt
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