BIL will not move out

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2005
BIL will not move out
13
Mon, 09-18-2006 - 2:33am

My husband is very close to his family. We see them every Saturday and Sunday. I am beginning to realize that he would probably choose his family over his own wife and children. I have talked to him many times about this. The last time, we talked over four hours and I thought that he finally understood me. After a few weeks, I feel nothing has changed. I wanted to buy something for his anniversary and he called his sister to see if it was a good idea to buy it. His sister told him not to buy it. She will buy it for him. I wanted to buy it because of the moment of time and place. He chose not to buy it.

This has been going on for a few decades. I am very sad and not in good health.

The additional frustration is that we own a rental unit, which he decided to let his brother live with his wife. We assumed that it was temporary until his brother started tearing things up and repairing the unit. My husband let him remodel the unit and even helped him with it. I realized that trouble was coming. I fought with my husband to tell his brother that we only plan to let him live there for a few years. His brother was upset and said that he thought it was a done deal that he could live there. I am furious because I wanted to use this property for our children. We cannot do anything until the brother moves out. My husband will not tell him to move and I am afraid that his brother will not move out for a long time. Whenever I go over to the house, I am boiling inside. His brother just had a new daughter. His brother and his wife is using their daughter to get on the good side of my husband and my children. I got sucked into it for awhile, but I see what they are doing. Sometimes, his brother would not talk to me and I got tired of his ungratefulness. He does not know how much frustration he has put on me and me to my husband. Now he and his wife barely talks to me and this is annoying me more. I think that it is starting to come to the point where I want no part of his family anymore. Anyone has any good idea of how to handle the brother situation so that he moves out? My husband doesn't want me to say anything. He said that he will talk to him in about a year, which I don't really believe him. His brother has been living there for 3 years. I feel caged in because my husband has high blood pressure and I do not want to do something that I regret, but this is really getting under my skin.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Mon, 09-18-2006 - 9:26am

I feel terrible for you. I thought I had it bad. But No. Do they pay you any rent at all? The taxes? I hope that you have a say in the renovations. I can only immagine your frustrations. A feeling of total out of control. That is what I feel like when it comes to my husbands family. but I am not invited over there. They talk about me behind my back to him... well I'm not going to get into that... Pray , Pray, Pray that they find something to move into. Sell the property, something. I really hate giving advice. I really do. I always tell my close friends to pray and let the Lord help guide things in the right direction or something. Oh my this is just, I can just immagine my BIL doing this to me and how I would feel, I think that I would tell my husband that I am sick of this and looks like your hubby is just like mine (cant say no to your inlaws but puts you and the kids on the back burner)I would put the place up for sale and tell BIL if he wants it he has to buy it. Or kick him out. I think your hisband will have a harder time kicking him out.

Elaine

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2005
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 3:58am
Thanks for your understanding. My BIL doesn't understand that I am doing him a favor. He is mad because I told him that his stay is temporary. He is over 40 and works and does not pay rent. His parents gave us some money which is much less than the rent that we wanted. I was told that I should be happy. I am so annoyed because I wasn't asked, but was told what to do. Everything was done through my husband. I will never sell it because the brother will buy it at a very good price. He is very manipulative and knows how to get what he wants from people. You are right that I should and will move him out. I just don't know how without "rocking the boat."
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2005
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 9:13am

If you want him out, you will have to rock the boat. That's just the way it is.

Short of buying another place and letting him move out to live there for free, there is no better arrangement that what he already has with you. I don't think he'll ever willingly choose to leave. It's not in his best interest financially.

And, do you think he might be taking some pleasure out of causing problems between you and your husband? I don't know, it's just a thought.

I hope this works out for you. I'm really sorry that you have to go through this.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2003
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 9:40am

Tell your husband he has 2 options...

1. He can ask BIL to move out so you can rent it to someone else.

2. He can ask BIL to move out so he can move in, cuz you're booting him out for letting his family take advantage.

Ok, just kidding. :)

The real advice...did your BIL do a good job of fixing up the place? Did he save you money or increase the amount of rent you can charge for this property? If he did, and you can afford to find another property to buy that needs some work, ask him and his wife to move to that property and fix it up. Make this situation a win/win if you can. You get the first property vacated and rentable, some labor for a second property, and you look like a caring SIL to the family.

Anyway, hope you find a solution.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 9:49am

Is there a written rental/lease agreement? If not, then you really have no idea what your husband agreed to. Your BIL may very well have a verbal agreement with your husband to stay there as long as your husband (it is in *both* names, yes?) owns the property.

There is no "kind and gentle" way to get such deep enmeshment excised. There would have to be some serious "boat-rocking" done, but be careful that it doesn't rock so much that it sinks.

Unless you are the sole legal owner, I don't think you, alone, can evict him. If you are *that* serious about getting him out, contact an attorney. Keep in mind though, that as enmeshed as your husband sounds, he might go too.

Is there any way to get marital counseling? If you find a good counselor, you could agree to stop bringing up one particular problem with his family-of-origin as "incentive" for him going. But only if he's resistant to going.

I do hope you and your husband can work out healthier boundaries in your marriage.

lve2read

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2005
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 8:55pm

I see what you are going with this. I would let him stay in our unit if we can afford to buy another property. We only have this one property which I wanted for our children. I was looking at buying another property with our children and found that we cannot afford it, even with all our income combined. We would have to refinance our home and pay high property tax. I was thinking that this is crazy that I have to do this because my BIL wants to live in our unit.

Any ideas on how to help my BIL move and keep anyone happy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2005
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 9:02pm
Thanks for your thoughts. I never thought of his brother taking pleasure of getting between us. The family is so tied together that it might be a possibility that my husband/BIL need this selfish relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2005
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 9:05pm
I am fighting mad right now. I just let my husband have it again yesterday. I don't know how much of this I can take. It's really my husband that is making me angry. If he supported his wife and children a little bit, I would be cool as a cucumber.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Wed, 09-20-2006 - 3:51pm
This has gone on way too long. I am in about the same boat as you are. My dh is the responsible one of his "clan". His mother pays the way for my sil and bil all the time and sil is in her middle 40's and bil is 41 it makes my blood boil. she even directed them over to us when she did not have money and my husband gave them $ and bil never paid it back amount over $2000. at one time. I know that you are at your wits end. But try to be kind but firm with dh. I know that my husband is very "tight"with his kin. And I've seen his mother on the "war path" with her other daughter in law (soon to be ex) and it is a shame what she said behind her back....all lies, lies, lies. and kept on saying to her husband, my bil, "I wish you would just divorce her" over and over that was all I ever heard come out of her mouth.
My husband realizes that his mom is that way, but he tells me that she loves me and still she says things like "you never call me" in front of him and he knows darn well that I am the only one that ever calls her and I will refuse to call her if she does not bother to show that she even care. so she calls him every morning on his cell phone and every evening...she is such a weenie pie.
Keep a good relationship with your husband, that is the most important thing, more than a stupid BIL. If anyone trys "bashing"you behind you back he will be more apt to side with you if you and he are in a wonderful relationship. Tell your husband you love him and you will pray for his brother. Hopefully he will not think you are being sarcastic. But you have to be ready to give it to your husband to handle. tell him you trust in him and feel comfortable knowing that he will do what is right for you and him. That may be all he wants to hear from you.
Elaine
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2005
Wed, 09-20-2006 - 10:25pm

Oh my gosh, our marital relationship is very similar. I felt like I was the only one in this situation. Thanks for giving hope. My patience is running out. I not only have problems with my inlaws. My husband does things very slow. Sometimes it takes him as long as 2-5 years to get something done. I am going crazy.

It looks like you got it all together in this situation. There is hope. Thank you.

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