Vacation with the ILs?

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Vacation with the ILs?
9
Mon, 09-18-2006 - 10:29am

Okay, I pretty much know what I'm going to do, but I want input from you guys so I know whether or not I'm being reasonable.

The ILs own a timeshare in FL. They have been after us since our youngest was a newborn to use it. In fact, they said once we want to use it regularly, they will deed it over to us if they can occasionally use it(they have their week plus "bonus" weeks, so even if we both wanted to vacation the same year, it wouldn't be a problme) and if we pay the annual maintenance fees on it. I know this may sound sketchy because some of you have cheapskate ILs. One thing I can say for my ILs is they are very generous when it comes to stuff like this, so I'm not concerned. Essentially the timeshare wasn't what they thought it would be. They were told they could trade for weeks in Europe, and in THEORY that is true -- but European weeks are almost never available.

Anyway, we have finally decided to take a vacation in June, 2007. Since our kids are little, we decided we wanted to go somewhere close by, so we chose North Conway, NH (about 2 hours from where we live). There are several little-kid-oriented amusement parks close by, a couple of railroads that go up the mountain, shopping -- tons and tons of stuff to do. They booked it for us last night so it's official -- we're really going. Well, MIL says that they want to come up for a couple days of our vacation.

Now, it's a one-bedroom place. They live further south than we do -- their commute up would be close to 3 hours one-way. I feel it's unreasonable for me to ask them to come up for just a day and go home, which means they would be sleeping on the fold-out couch in the LR. Personally, I think it's unreasonable that she wants to tag along on OUR family vacation in the first place, but I'm stuck. If I say no, I come across as being an unreasonable b---h. They're giving us their vacation. Yes, I see the underlying control issues in what she's doing. It annoys me.

So I've reached what I feel is a reasonable compromise. They can come up for no more than 2 days. It has to be the first day or two of our vacation. My reason for that is I would rather NOT grow accustomed to having free access to the LR and have to give it up later in the week, plus if I feel a ton of miserable resentment having them there I would rather start the vacation out that way instead of end it that way (and possibly have a totally negative view of the entire vacation because of it). Essentially, I want control of when they'll be there. Since they are tagging along on OUR vacation, they have to go along with whatever we have planned to do that day. The ONLY exception is if we have planned on having two choices (like Saturday and Wednesday we're going to do one of these 2 things, and it doesn't matter to us which day we do which thing -- KWIM?) and then we will give them input into which thing we do. If we plan on going to Storyland that first Saturday, their choices are to go do their own thing entirely, or come with us. COming with us means no asking to leave early (under the guise of "oh, the children seem so tired!") no input in what we do there, and no input on where we eat.

Do the rest of you think that's a reasonable compromise? DH wasn't bothered by it when I told him this morning. Honestly, this may be a moot point. This wouldn't be the first time MIL made a big to-do about doing something with the kids and then decided not to because it was too much work, or she wasn't in-charge.

Julie
Mama to Nathan (3)
and Laura Sima (2 this week!)

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Registered: 05-15-2003
Mon, 09-18-2006 - 12:37pm

Julie, you are certainly a more gracious woman than I am! I cannot believe that your ILs would even suggest intruding on your family's vacation. I can't get past feeling that is totally presumptuous and downright rude of them to even think of including themselves on your vacation. Your family unit needs and deserves time together without them. I honestly think I would just tell them that this is your time away with your husband and children. Vacations with extended family may be great at times, but again there are times when you just want to be alone with your own immediate family -- I would think when accommodations involve only one bedroom, that is definitely a time for just immediate family.

My own MIL is extremely generous with gifts that all come with a tangle of strings attached. I have learned over the years that I prefer to do without the gifts and retain the rights to make decisions for my family without feeling obligated to her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2006
Mon, 09-18-2006 - 12:51pm

Hi Julie,

I don't think your idea is unreasonable at all. You are being very generous. Especially seeing as how your MIL is manipulating the fact that they let you use the time share by intruding on your vacation. I can totally see where you are coming from, bc if you say you don't want them to come at all, you come off looking to your DH like you're totally ungrateful for their "unconditional generosity" (yeah right).
So, yes, have them come just for 2 days and since your DH is okay with it, I would care less what the ILs think. (And stick to your guns: don't let MIL control the plans. Just a thought, though: would the *last* 2 days of the week be better b/c what if they get there and then don't want to leave? Also, if they got on your nerves really badly during those last 2 days, you guys could just leave and go home -- you've already had your vacay!)

Good luck
Kelly

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 1:59am

I refuse now to take vacations with dh's family~~my MIL demands to be the Queen Bee for everything. I just hate it.

I wouldn't be happy having the IL's come up and then their sleeping in the LR~~sure their not going to demand the bedroom?

Sam

~~Sam stitches well with others, runs with scissors in her pocket. Cheerful and stupid.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2003
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 9:13am

I suggest the last 2 days: as one poster said, what if they decide it's so fun they don't want to leave?

Use the excuse of the place you are staying being so small and the sleeper sofa so uncomfy (those things can be real bears) and suggest that they have their own hotel room in the area.

http://www.paganedge.com/
Avatar for jujsky
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 11:48am

No, I know they won't demand the bedroom. They're Russian, so they're used to sleeping on fold-outs. I'm sure that sounds REALLY strange, but in Russian cities the apartments are often so small (and there are usually several generations of the family living in it) that it's not uncommon to have fold-out couches instead of a beds in most of the rooms. My DH slept on one growing up in Russia, and so did his grandmother who lived with them and slept in the livingroom.

I'm also not worried about them overstaying, as some people have mentioned. My MIL is career-driven, and it's doubtful she'll want to take much, if any, time off work. I'm more afraid of having them come the last couple of days, leaving me with the overall impression that my entire vacation was horrible.

The more I think about it, the more upset I get that MIL would pull this. I talked pretty frankly with DH about it last night. He agrees with a lot of the points I've made, and also feels torn about it like I do. I don't like strings being attached to things. In the 3 years she's been trying to get us to use the timeshare, she never once mentioned going with us until the deal was done. Yes, it's their timeshare, but I would NEVER invite myself on one of their vacations. This was supposed to be our first vacation as a family, and I feel like she's way overstepping her boundaries. In a way, I feel almost violated. It has made me doubt (which I discussed with DH last night) taking the timeshare over from them on a permanent basis as they offered (we intended to do that in a few years when the kids are older and we start taking more regular vacations). I don't want her to think it's acceptable to invite herself along on any of our vacations that she chooses.

I'm thinking (haven't discussed it with DH yet) of telling them they are more than welcome to come up that first weekend of our vacation -- they just need to let us know ahead of time so we can book a hotel room for ourselves for that weekend. The timeshare is too small for 6 people, and since it's thier timeshare, we wouldn't think of THEM renting a hotel room.

Like I said in my first e-mail, it may be a moot point anyway. My ILs have shown a pattern of bailing on doing things with the kids. We went to the Butterfly Place in MA in the spring, and offered to let them come. We called our house before they left so they could meet us there (they live closer to it than we do) and they still weren't there when we got there. We called to make sure everything was okay, and they said they weren't coming -- they were busy setting up their new TV. Then they asked to go apple picking with us last weekend and bailed on us (this time I didn't tell the kids they were coming). We also planned a family cookout after DS's birthday party last month. Even though I told them when the party date was MONTHS in advance (they tend to vacation a lot in August/September, and I rescheduled DS's b-day one year to accomodate their schedule, and decided to give them advanced notice in the future so that wouldn't happen) they mixed up the dates with their friend's party. They went to DS's party -- a party primarily with his little friends -- but bailed on the cookout so they could go to their friend's party. They didn't even get to see much of DS at the party because there was a total of 12 kids 3 1/2 and under here, plus their parents. The cookout after was specifically planned so the family would get to spend time with Nathan. I was so angry, and DH was so hurt! Heck, they went on vacation a week before DD was due, and they were the ones who were supposed to watch DS when I went into labor. My MIL was back at work when I went into labor, and too busy to come and watch DS until work was done. My best friends who were dealing with infertility issues had to be called to watch DS until 8:00 pm when MIL finally showed.....

Sorry, I know I'm venting and bitter. I just have a feeling that I'm going to expend a lot of energy worrying about this whole vacation thing, and then they won't even show because something more important than their family will come up.

Julie
Mama to Nathan (3)
and Laura Sima (2 this week)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2006
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 12:20pm

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Now you're getting creative. That sounds like something I would do. Tell them that the t.s. is too small and when they decide they want to come you guys will get a hotel so things don't get too uncomfortable. I do think it's rude of them to impose on you like this. I would definitely talk more with DH and ILs before you take over the t.s. because this may be the beginning of an ugly pattern. Hope things go well for you!

Kelly

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 12:58pm

Julie,

No vent away~~thats what this board is here for.

I'll now tell you my MIL/vacation story. At that point dh & I had been married about 6 months when this all started~~in March of 2002 dh & I took the High/Jr high kids from our church youth group up to Mt Rainier to learn how to snow shoeing. I was walking from our van to one of the buildings to use the restroom & slipped on the ice & fell right on my knee (I'm a plus size woman) fell with all of my weight on my right knee~~well it took two surgiers to repair in 100%. The second was on my calf & foot, and I was in a cast for 8 weeks and walking boot for 8 more weeks. MIL's family has owned this little cabin out in the wilds of the Cascade Mt range in Central Eastern Oregon. I'm 18 days out of surgery, I'm under orders from my Dr to SIT, I repeatly told MIL that I couldn't help with the cooking,cleaning & that I was under very stick orders to SIT. She was fine with this until we get to the cabin, we got out there before MIL/BIL & his 2 dd's (at that time 6 & 2)There are only 3 bedrooms (two of them are upstairs which is where dh & I would of normally stayed) I can't do the stairs and so we moved into the main cabin to stay in the room with the bed that I can get into~~MIL gets there & pitches a fit, you two just can sleep on the hide-bed sofa (which is just big enough for just DH not including me) and on the other side of the room BIL & his 2 dd's are sleeping. I'm like NO! We end up sleeping outside in the back of my SUV. Strick one! Then MIL decided that I'm suppose to chase these two little nieces all over the property~~I'm like WTH? NO! Strick 2, then BIL who got himself a new chainsaw, goes out in the woods with the 6 year old & my dh, BIL drops a small tree on my dh & then blames my dh (my dh has an artfical heart valve and is on blood thinners and could of bleed to death because of this stupid act of BIL) ok so strick 1 on him. Then BIL cuts down another tree & cuts a chunk out of his leg/knee~~so dh has to drive him 75 miles to the nearest hospital & leaves me with the wicked witch of the west--strick 2 on BIL. We are there for 6 days on day 2 & 6 dn the 2 year old) isn't being watched right, and has fallen into the creek and almost drown not once but twice. Both times dh brings her to me to clean up & dress~~well that last morning I was sick (I get migraines) and this just totally ticked me off that her dad and or grandmother are not watching her propery. And I told them what I thought, MIL loose it and starts calling me a witch,fat & lazy and something else~~I swear my head did a complete rotation on my shoulders and when I asked her what she called me, she knew she was in trouble STRICK 3~~she just she had blown it Well dh comes in for breakfast, it was dead quiet, he figures something happened but doesn't ask. After breakfast I had the SUV packed and ready to go in 30 minutes easy~~it took me a day to tell dh what happened, BIL did back me up on it & MIL lied thru her teeth. Told dh that I was just being lazy, and that I never really wanting to be a member of their family~~well not now.

That was the 4th of July weekend of 2003, I've not done another family vacation since and I've told dh that I won't do it again EVER. Over the last 3 years MIL has made comments to dh about me not coming out to the cabin with the family "well I suppose Sam will never come to the cabin again with me here". She now has made a couple of comments to me as well, I took a second job that would make me work on holidays just so I don't have to go to the cabin with them. I love the cabin & will love to go with just dh, but with the rest of the family, just not going to happen again.

Sam

~~Sam stitches well with others, runs with scissors in her pocket. Cheerful and stupid.
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Registered: 05-05-2004
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 3:53pm

Julie,


that same situation happened to me this past August, the last week, we rented a cabin at Lake Winnepsauke (sp?) and my folks wanted to come up. I made the same deal with my DH, since we live close to my family we see them often, and I didn't want him to have to deal with them for his whole vacation. I told him it would only be for a day and a half, in the begging of our week, and then we could have the rest of the week free. That pleased him, and worked out well.


We must live near each other, we live a little less than two hours from North Conway.

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Avatar for jujsky
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 6:22pm

Liz,

We live in Nashua :)

Julie