I need advice about overbearing inlaws..

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2006
I need advice about overbearing inlaws..
6
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 12:37am

Ok,

First of all, please don't think I'm crazy. I just need some (serious) advice or a solution would help.

Here's my problem. For some reason, I can't stand to be around my MIL. I don't know why. She is a very nice lady, it's just that I feel she is so overbearing. For instance, when my MIL is holding my brother-in-law's child...she acts as if it were her own. She won't even let the baby walk, because she is constantly holding it and talking to it, and etc..etc..etc...(for hours). Well, my wife is due in 6 months, and I can only imagine what she'll be like when our baby arrives.. I don't know what to do, because the thought of having her at my house acting as if she runs the place, seriously makes me sick to my stomach.

Again, she is a very, very nice lady, but I can't stand the fact that she acts as if she is in charge when she is around babies....it makes me sick thinking about it, as I write this message.

Sadly, I have never resorted to a "forum" for help, so obviously I am in great need.

Could someone seriously give me some advice of how to (maturely) deal with this future problem.

P.S. I will admit that I am horrible at hiding emotions...i.e..I am so easy to figure out when I'm mad, sad, upset..etc.....(just being honest).

Thanks,
aworried1

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 9:19am

Welcome to the boards, and I think you have come to the right place for some ideas. Firstly, I can understand and empathise with your feelings, but I think you need to disentangle *why* you feel this way about your MIL. A lot of mothers and MILs have this tendency to just 'take over' when it comes to babies: they don't mean to, but they seem to just click into 'mother mode' without thinking, and act as though they are the mother. *All* parents, particularly mothers, have a tendency to do this sometimes - if you watch a large family group, or a group of closeknit friends around each others' babies you will see that the mothers, in particular, have a tendency to just pick up babies without asking etc. In itself it isn't a bad thing.

The reason it can be particularly annoying from grandmothers is that it is 'invading' your turf: *you* are the parents, not her. It can be very hard for new parents to establish their turf and their authority as parents, (not the least because at first it can feel like a huge adjustment and you may not feel terribly secure yourself about your authority as parents!) and it can also be difficult for grandparents - particularly grandmothers! - to relinquish their turf and authority. But you both have to make the adjustments that are needed to fit into your new roles: her as a GRANDmother, not a mother, and you as a parent.

Add into the mix that it is your MIL, not your own mother (with whom you might be able to speak more honestly about your feelings and how you would like her to behave), and it all gets very complicated.

So, having been through this, here's some ideas for coping:

1. Make sure you and your wife are singing from the same hymn sheet: agree your 'danger points' and strategies ahead of time, be consistent with them and support each other.
2. When you feel MIL has had enough time with the baby, or is doing something you don't like (eg giving a soother if you are opposed to them), politely but firmly take the baby back, and say 'time to come back to mommy/daddy now'
3. If MIL does something with the baby you really object to, ask her politely but firmly to stop. If she argues with you, just say 'I appreciate your input, but this is my baby, and this is the way we do it'. You don't have to be rude, or start an argument, but you do have to be firm.
4. *Ask* your MIL for help *on your terms*. She's probably itching to help out and she will probably be a very loving grandmother and that is a *good thing* for your baby, so give her the chance to be a good grandma - *on your terms*. It will feel much more under your control if she is doing something you have asked her to do. Eg, ask her to babysit one evening so you can take your wife out. Or ask her to come over after the baby is born and help with the laundry. Ask her to take the baby out for a 15 minute walk in the stroller - alone, without you, so she can coo and show him/her off - so you can have some peace - but insist that the baby is back within your timeframe. Ask her for her advice (you do not have to act on any of it, but she will appreciate being asked!) - on anything, diapering, winding, feeding, clothing, what colours to paint the nursery, help with the baby shower - and act on the stuff you agree with, and ignore the rest. She will back off a lot quicker if she feels she is involved, if you see what I mean.

hth - trust me, I have been through this with 3 babies, and only now am I getting the hang of it!

Kirsty

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2005
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 10:02am

For what it's worth, I'd start by talking to your wife. You don't have to tell her that her mom drives you nuts (as a wife, I'd recommend never saying that), but you could try telling her how excited you are about having the baby and how you think she's going to be a great mom.

But you need to be realistic that your MIL will be around when the baby comes. Face it, most of us have our moms around when the baby is born to help - we don't feel well, we're not sleeping, it's all completely new and we turn to the one person we know did pretty well - our moms. And, she'll probably come in and take over to some degree with the intent of helping your wife out.

You're going to need to talk to your wife about setting up boundaries (or your "comfort zone") long before your baby comes and you start having issues with your MIL and your child. If you wait, criticisms will be very personal, whereas now planning could be more of designing your future family dynamic.

Incidentally, how does your wife feel about how her mother treats the child? Has she ever said anything?

Anyway, just talk to your wife. Not about what angers you about how MIL treats the child, but about how you want things to be when you're parents. And, I think it is fair to talk (maybe a little farther down the road) about what you're comfortable with your MIL doing to help out when the baby comes (like how long she stays, if you want your bedroom or other areas off-limits, etc.).

Talk to your wife. Don't be angry and don't tell her your MIL drives you nuts. Be nice and remember that pregnant women are hormonal.

Good luck

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 5:12pm

I think you might want to consider that just because you "feel" like she's overbearing doesn't mean she IS overbearing. Feelings aren't fact and shouldn't be used as amunition in a fight.

Is it possible that you percieve her behaving as if she's "in charge" when around babies because she knows what she's doing? It's hard, when you're well versed at something, to not appear to be taking over when really all you're doing is helping a novice. Sometimes the line on where to stop helping and stand back is only apparent once it's crossed. You repeat that she is a "very very" nice woman, so it would imply that she fits in with that. It fits that she isn't doing this maliciously to make you feel inadaquite.

There needs to be a distinction between evil and annoying. Evil is destructive, deceptive, dangerous, malicious in intending harm. Annoying is tollerated out of love. It sounds like you have annoying. This woman loves her children, loves her grandchildren, and taking "control" of a situation is only threatening if you don't have the backbone to say "thank you for your help/advice/unconditional love of our child, but we're going to do things our way". My best advice is to adopt the mantra: "Just because I feel it, doesn't make it so!". Repeat that over and over.

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Avatar for jujsky
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 6:30pm

I'd start out by being polite, but firm. My DH doesn't always like the way my extended family deals with the kids (more my grandmother than anyone else -- my mom only needs to be told once) and that's what he does. He'll tell her no, and give his reason, and if my grandmother persists, he does the, "Connie, this is MY child. I'm the parent -- I set the rules" line, and that usually does the trick.

It's nice to see a guy on the board!

Julie
Mama to Nathan (3)
and Laura Sima (2 this week)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2006
Tue, 09-26-2006 - 3:13pm
Thanks for the advice! I'll work on it!
Avatar for cl_mugalug
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 9:50pm
First of all Congratulations on the baby. I think that you got some great advice. I hope that you are able to come to an agreement with your wife and MIL and everything goes smoothly. By the way when is your wife due? I am due April 10th.

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