In Need of Serious Advice (long...)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2005
In Need of Serious Advice (long...)
4
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 11:07am

I'm a 24 year old mother of my 6 year old daughter. My bf (who is 32) and I are trying to make a life for ourselves but this is a difficult thing as he is going through divorce proceedings with the mother of his 3 children, and his mother does not like me all that much. At one point I thought I was making headway with her and having a friendly relationship with her might have been possible. Until I found that she is still saying bad things about me ("I'm playing head games, or I'm just there for money").I've spoken with my bf about this and he knows his mom doesn't approve of me but she also has no reason to be saying that as she does not truly know me. I'm the one working full-time and he just became unemployed. If I was in it for the money, it wouldn't be this relationship sorry...lol

She has blatantly told him "get it out of your system, she's not for you". I have never done anything mean or disrespectful towards her in anyway. His children have no problems with me and we all get along very well. Anyways, I'm not sure what to do with his mother. I do not intend to let her split us up but I'm tired of kissing her a** everytime she's around. She comes over to my house for coffee for him, hardly when I'm around although after the first time I was there I did end up leaving after a period of time. She was raised a certain way (which I understand) but when she makes comments about how much of a dive my home is (we're going through renovations) and how I should "control" my daughter as she's "wild and out of control" its a bit too much for me to bear. I know he's her son and there is nothing I can do about that, but I deserve to have a lil respect in my own home.

Also, my bf still has a friendly relationship with his ex-mother in law as well. So not only do I have to contend with one, I have to deal with his ex-wife's mom as well (how well do you think that goes over...) I knew he still went for coffee at her house, and also when the kids are there which was no problem for me at first. I recently found out he was discussing personal information regarding me and my part of his life, as well as bringing my daughter over there when he went...(he picks her up from school and met up with her there). Now I have no problems with our children playing together, his kids are great and they are all around the same age. But how comfortable is it knowing that your name is being put down in front of your child??? I realize that these women are a part of his life, but do I really have to deal with his ex-mother in law as well???

Sorry for venting but I'm just so fed up with all of this. I'm not asking him to ditch all of these people for me, I wouldn't mind it if he stood up for me when I'm not there to do it for myself.

Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 12:52pm

Personally, I would not have involved myself with a man who is in the middle of divorce proceedings. I am not saying that as some moral issue, but he has a lot of baggage at this point. Also, he is not willing to defend you, even when your name is being smeared in front of your child. That says a lot about him, really.

I am not telling you what to do. But, please rethink this whole thing. Do you really want to be with a man who doesn't care enough to defend you? Who doesn't put you first?

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 3:40pm

Do you know the exmil is trashing you? If he is really discussing personal items with his exmil then that's not cool. But if he is talking about happy stuff between the two of you than I would think that's a good thing. Who knows? If you really think the exmil is trashing you infront of your daughter then you need to put your foot down and request your BF not bring her there again. I would.


It is not fair to have your BF's mom saying bad things about you. There is no reason for that. But, maybe she is scared for her son to be so involved again before his divorce is final? I mean a divorce is not a happy thing, by far. Maybe she is so upset over the divorce, especially about it including a DIL and grandkids splitting from her and her son, that she is taking it out on the person least connected to her family at this time? You may be the scapegoat. I wouldn't be extra nice to her, but I wouldn't give her a reason to start a feud by confronting her. It sounds like all she needs right now is a legit reason to crush you, and if you give it to her, oh my lord you will never live it down. Be polite, ignore, walk away, etc etc etc.


Does your BF feel like you are being treated unfairly for no reason? If so, he needs to stick up for you and talk with his family. There seems like no other way. If he won't, or he doesn't support you, then I would rethink my relationship from that moment forward. Do you really want a life like this with no support from a spouse over treatment from his family? I wouldn't.


GL


Liz

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2005
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 4:07pm

First off, thanks to mom2danjam and zilct for the advice, my biggest thing is I needed to vent as I don't really have close friends around here that I can talk to much.

To start off with concerning the exmil, so far she has made comments about my home and my financial situations to my bf. My first question to him was.."How/Why does she know how much I make per month, thats nobody's business except ours!" I will admit that my trailer isn't in the best of shape but it was something I could afford to buy and renovate, something to call a "home" for my daughter and I, so in turn I'm actually quite proud of it as I have been a single mom for most of my daughter's life. When I asked him that his response was..."Well hun, you're a receptionist and a single mother, anyone would be able to tell you don't have much money". I am not the most prideful person but that dug deep. We proceeded to get into an argument regarding it and I flat out told him that my financial information is not to be discussed by him with ANYONE! If someone would like to know about that they can ask me personally as I find that an invasion of privacy that no one really deserves, (I would not ask the exmil, mil, exwife or anyone else how much they make a month, its not my business to know).

On to the mil... - "It is not fair to have your BF's mom saying bad things about you. There is no reason for that. But, maybe she is scared for her son to be so involved again before his divorce is final?".... - I have known my bf for 6 years now his mother was never really involved in his marriage all that much. She saw the kids when he brought them into town and that was about it. She always told him that it was his life and he should do whatever was responsible and made him happy. Well apparently all that has changed as she will stick her nose in and butt in whenever she pleases. I don't think she's scared as I have heard her refer to me as "nothing more than a teenager that needs guidance". The latest that my bf told me about was that his mother and the exmil have been talking because things aren't going that well for his stb-exwife and they wanted to see how things have been with us (they are both plotting to get him back together with his exwife). Well I'm sorry but if he wasn't happy with her for over 8 years (which I have heard from himself, family members, and friends) then why would that change just out of the blue??? I'm just very frustrated with it all.

I've spoken with my bf about discussing personal issues like finances, etc with his exmil or even his mother and he told me he didn't understand as his family as always been nosy like that but he would go along with what I asked. His mother and exmil seem to be the only ppl that don't like me in his family. I've met his brother/sister/nephew/cousins, etc and they've never shown that they have any issues with me at all. They usually ask if I'm coming up with him the next time he visits any of them and they always ask how I'm doing when they call.

I won't go out of my way to be rude to his mom or exmil as thats not how I am. When mil comes to my home I will be nice (asking if she would like a coffee, etc) but I will not go out of my way to be exceptionally nice to a woman like her if she can't give me the courtesy of respecting me in my own home either.

Again, thanks for the help, sorry again about the long post I'm just very frustrated with the whole situation.

Avatar for cl_mugalug
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 11:09pm
I have to agree. He is telling them things about you that is none of their business. Then hs sits there an puts you down, by saying that because you have x job that you don't make a lot of money? What is that about? Personally, if my Dh said that to me, I would have left him.

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