What do I do????? (Long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2006
What do I do????? (Long)
5
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 2:24pm

I'm new to ivillage...after much contemplation..I realized this would be the best place to get advice....

I'm a 27 year old Sikh-Punjabi-American, married for two years and 3 months, completely in love with my husband, who's marriage was arranged to me in 2003. I was born and raised here in the United States but my parents are from India. My Husband was born and raised in India and went to Medical school in Ukraine for 7 years, so nonetheless, we both are at an equilibrium as far as being just as much Indian as we are Westernized.

Our life together has been wonderful!! We have our occasional fallings out, but we have an unconditional love for one another which seems to pull us back each time we think we're at the brink of something terrible. All that said, I am truly blessed to have found my soulmate in something that was thought up by my parents as a 'great match'. I feel like Katherine of Spain falling in love with Arthur of the Tudor Family of England (their marriage was arranged).

OK...now...here is the part I can't get my rationality around:

1. My MIL is very distant with me, not just because she lives in India, but in her relationship with me as well.
3. My MIL is very abrupt and aloof with me when I call her once a week in India.
4. My MIL was here in 2005, and when I took some problems that I did have with her son to her, she suggested we try to live apart for some time to see if that would help us.(Now given the East Indian culture, and although it is becoming more and more the norm, seperation or divorce are pretty much a taboo topic, so for this to come from her was a slap in the face.)
5. MIL also took the liberty to tell me that I had gained too much weight since the wedding and that I need to think about starting a family and how was I going to be able to conceive at this size.
6. My Hubby is an MD, but has yet to do his residency here in the States. I have been supporting him through his exams and residency match process. I work two jobs and my parents help us out as necessary. We have had no other help from anyone else. But my MIL will patronize me by asking me if we need any money and that she can send it. They have not given us a cent towards our life together.
7. My SIL had a habit of calling a few times a day to ask what our plans were for the evening/weekend/LIFE (she doesn't do this anymore...at least not with me)and to tell me of her woes with money and her life, (I don't think I care at this point).
8. MY SIL's family played a major role in my husband and I getting married and were very generous, but time and again I've seen my SIL try to make me the bad guy in situations, she's gone off on me over the phone and in person, but I have held my calm and answered only what needed to be addressed. This happened recently, so I've stopped communicating with them at all, unless my husband asks me to call for various reasons, I do not attempt to have a friendship with these insane people. I wonder who else has been in the wrath of my SIL and her sister.

I feel that I have done everything to be supportive of my husband. Financially and emotionally I have been there for him. I have been working myself to the bone to make things easier on him. My parents are there for us financially and emotionally whenever we need them. But for some reason my MIL can't be appreciative for all this and instead she is rude and has an air about her that tells me that I'm not good enough for her son.
My SIL is MIL's pet, so she does put her at a different level than me. I can feel this.

My husband is currently living on the East Coast due to an externship and I'm on the West Coast. This has been really hard, but I don't get too much support from any family of my husband's, except as I mentioned the weekly calls that I MUST MAKE to his parents. I am emotionally drained. I'm paying two rents two car payments, I hardly have a social life, and my support circles are from my work.

To top it all off....my hubby is looking for a residency in PSYCHIATRY...how ironic is that???

I don't know if anything I just typed makes any sense to anyone reading....but I would welcome any response at this point. I'm going crazy, I know this....but do I have real problems or am I just feeling sorry for myself???

another ironic thing...I'm MD by initials only.....

MD

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 3:32pm

MD,


You sound like a super woman, but I know you are only human.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2006
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 6:53pm

I agree with everything ZilCT said and I also recommend that you stop calling your mil. The BOUNDARIES series can help you through this.

Listen to your heart and follow your intuition. You do know what's going on isn't right, that's obvious from your post. Personally, I felt a suffocated energy while reading the end of your post when you explained more about them. It's not good, it almost seems like sinister head games to me. I want to stress again that this is the feeling I had, others may see it differently but I think all would agree that your in-laws have some issues that you're getting caught in.

cantbecontrolled

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2006
Wed, 09-20-2006 - 12:33pm

Thank you for your words of encouragement!!!

I would stop calling my MIL, but I am sort of compelled to do it every weekend, because although I harbor these feelings, the only one I can really vent out to is my husband. He says he knows how his mother can be, and if he hasn't been able to get any affection or positive reinforcement from her in his 29 years, then he highly doubts that I will gain any respect from her in the 2 years we've been married.

I would love to let the American in me come out and not deal with any of this BS, but unfortunately I'm too loyal to my roots, so I suppose I must bear with these weekend calls.

It's good to know that this support is here...because I'm truly at a loss right now...my biggest cheerleader(DH) is on the opposite coast.

Thank you again!!!

This means a lot!!!!!!!!

MD

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2006
Wed, 09-20-2006 - 12:49pm

Liz,

I feel like super woman, minus the body ; )~ I truly am stressed(I'm turning 28 in November and I'm breaking out like I just hit puberty) Thank you for the kind words, not only the one's that glorify me, but also the one's that give me encourgement!!

My husband's response to the situation is that he gets bad vibes as well. He knows how is mother can be. She is aloof and distant with him as well. He always says to me that if he hasn't been able to win her over in his 29 years then he doubts I'll be in good with her anytime soon.(and this is pretty sad for my BIL because supposedly my DH is her favorite and she's this way towards him) The only problem is, that he has a problem being overt about putting his foot down and just speaking the truth. He feels it would disrespect his parents(his mom) if he were to tell them. Personally, I would have no problem telling my parents when they were wrong, but that might be because I was raised in a culture where age doesn't matter when right or wrong are questioned. In my heart I believe he will say something to set the record straight....but like you said until then the negativity will accumulate...I just don't want to acclumate to it and let it become a part of me.

SIL, yes I know...she's a parnoid psycho...everything needs to be about her...(she's the middle child...does this have anything to do with it?) Thanks for the ignoring bit...I know that's what I need to do....I just forget sometimes.

I might be moving out to the east coast to be with DH if things work out this match season for a residency for him. So maybe that will help things.

Thanks again for the advice..it really is a tremendous help and blessing!!!

TC : )

MD

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2006
Wed, 09-20-2006 - 2:48pm

MD,
It is pretty telling that your husband is interested in psychiatry. I often got the feeling that many people who go into that field are looking to understand the people in their lives, usually family members and the impact their family had on themselves.

Anyway, I think your mil is abusive and so is your sil and I respect your right to choose to adhere to what you see as your duty to stay in touch with them. If you're most comfortable with that choice then it's the right choice for you. Besides, if you ever really want to you can always cut them off later ;)

If I were you I would at least call them on their behavior. Nobody deserves to be abused.

cbc




Edited 9/20/2006 2:55 pm ET by cantbecontrolled