Were there ever signs???

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2006
Were there ever signs???
18
Wed, 09-20-2006 - 11:32pm

Hi All,

I anticipate being a full-fledged member of this page one day. I'm not married yet, but I see little signs that lead me to believe that I may have a future monster-in-law. So my question to you all is ... did you ever have signs while you were dating, what type of MIL you would have. I love my boyfriend to death and we have a wonderful relationship.

But I have a few concerns about my possible future MIL. See below:

1. She has already named her future grand-daughter(a combination oh her son's name and hers). And she actually put me on the spot in front of the family to ask me what I thought of that name, that she liked that name for a grand-daughter.

2. She said that it would be "over her dead body" for any of her grandchildren to attend public school (I come from a family of public school teachers).

3. When her son graduated from college, she took his diploma and locked it up in her office at work. She said thank you for the present.

4. She asked him when he is moving back "home." (She lives 500 miles away, and my boyfriend moved to my city after graduation. We were long-distance for a while). He told her that he does live at home. She got very angry and said "Home is where your mother is!"

5. Her friends double-teamed me to find out where I plan to live after I finish grad school, reminding me how great the job market is in their city. God forbid I just tell them that I like my own city better!

6. Although she does not know a single soul in my city (aside from her son and two of his friends), she announced that she has decided to retire and move here within the next few years!

These things may not sound so bad. There are MANY more, but these were the shortest ones that I could write about.

I always confide in my mom about these things. But after #6, she gave up. She said "sorry, honey...I don't have an answer for that one." What do you guys think? I know my boyfriend is her only child in the world, but my goodness!

Please please advise! =)

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Thu, 09-21-2006 - 12:27am

His mother views you as compatition and always will. If you are accurate, she also sounds like she has a strong emotionally inscestuous attachment to him.

As for your title question, there are ALWAYS signs. People do NOT turn overnight. Signs might be *noticed* overnight, but they were always there. If there wasn't adaquite dating, or they were never introduced prior to marriage then the signs appear to come overnight, when really they were always there/going to be there, it just hadn't manifested past stranger kindness yet.

You are treading into dangerous shark infested waters. Do not do not do not volunteer for this as your life unless you know for damned sure your man is willing to swim through those shark infested waters to bring you a lemonade, KWIM?

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2004
Thu, 09-21-2006 - 3:18am

Wow, she sounds like a nightmare! Unless your boyfriend would stick by you and stand up to his mother, and I get the impression that isn't the case, this woman would make your life hell if you marry your boyfriend. I think you already know what impact she would have on your marriage. Before you make any decisions, I would start drawing lines and setting boundaries and see what happens. When she "lays down the law" about how her grandchildren will be raised, tell her it's not up to her, and so on with all these different issues. If she flips out and your boyfriend does not back you up, there you go. If he is a good, strong man and does support you, then you know that she will make things difficult but the two of you could deal with it together and still have a happy marriage.

Good luck to you...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2006
Thu, 09-21-2006 - 3:05pm

I agree with all the advice you got and couldn't have said it better myself.
In my case there were no probs with my in-laws for the first few years of my marriage but we hadn't been around each other all that much.

The book Boundaries that you can get at Amazon will give you ideas for how to deal with your possible future mil. You are in a good position to try them out and see what happens as was suggested by someone else here. I think you should talk to your boyfriend about her but I really suggest reading something first, like the book i suggested because you want to know exactly where you stand when you take this on. It'll give you the tools to do what's in your best interest.

I know this must be hard for you because I'm sure you love your boyfriend. If I were in your shoes and I could get him to stand up for me then I would take her on as my mil, but only if he's willing to stand up to her.

cbc

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
Fri, 09-22-2006 - 7:59am

Good advice!!! :o)

Your boyfriend definitely needs to hear from you exactly what you expect in this situation. The two of you need to be communicating and talking a lot about the "what ifs" of married life with MIL. If he can stand up to his mother in order to protect you and any future children from her attempts to control, then a marriage would have a chance to survive. I also advise against ever living in the same town with her. (I am married to an only child too.) If he cannot separate from his mother to cleave to you and a marriage, I would run far and fast from this situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2006
Fri, 09-22-2006 - 12:21pm
Thank you for the advice kitty. I'm starting to see a common theme and solution here. So long as our relationship is strong, we can overcome this woman. I will definitely take some time observing things and even practicing saying "no" to things, just to see how he reacts. It's just so overwhelming at times. I get so much grief over this woman.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2006
Fri, 09-22-2006 - 12:31pm

Oops, I don't think my other reply message posted.

dansfoxywife, thank you so much for sharing that advice with me. That is so deep. And I love the metaphor about the shark infested waters and the glass of lemonade. I think I know the answer/solution now. As long as my relationship with my man is strong, we can overcome any evil MIL.

Gosh, I wish I could tell you more stories. This woman is a pill. But like you said, I guess they are signs. I keep telling myself that things will be different later on. But the more I get to know here, the more I see about her character.

Thanks so much for the advice and support!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2006
Fri, 09-22-2006 - 12:37pm

cbc,

You guys are all on the same page. I'm so happy I visited this page. It seems that it can be overcome. But my goodness, if the woman refuses to change, it could be a living nightmare. I can't change her. My boyfriend probably can't change her.

But I think I do see a light at the end of the tunnel here: the bond with my boyfriend will be the ultimate solution.

Thanks so much for sharing!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2006
Fri, 09-22-2006 - 12:41pm
Thank you fluffy. That's what scares me now. She plans on moving to our city (which is 500 miles frome her city). I think she sees how serious things are with her son and I. So she is sort of panicking a bit. She's not going to let go.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2006
Fri, 09-22-2006 - 12:45pm
I married a mommie's boy and I would not do it again...you think things will get better.....they might, but I think most likely, they won't...unless he puts you first and can tell her...please do not do this, that, etc.......it still drives me crazy that my MIL calls alot....even when we are on vaction...but my husband calls her, too...so it depends alot on him how things will be........if it does not put you first.....find someone who will........please.......
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2006
Fri, 09-22-2006 - 6:43pm

Yeah I agree with hippo. By strong relationship, we don't mean how much you both love each other, although that is important too. We mean, will he stand up to her for you? He may love you with all his heart but you will most likely have major problems in your marriage because of her if he cannot stand up to her. You need examples before you marry him of this behavior from him. It isn't about how strong your relationship is, it's about whether he can cut the apronstrings with his mommy. That's why I suggest you buy a book like Boundaries and/or Toxic In-laws to give you an idea of what you should look for in this situation and how to handle it. There's too much info in books like that for me to go into here in a post.

This is a serious problem you have and it's not gonna resolve itself without your boyfriend doing what's necessary with his mother. It's very likely he can't stand up to her. Many men can't at least not without years of therapy. It will be good if he can but you'll still have a tough time because of her. She's a problem. You are lucky though that you have time to figure this out instead of just waking up married to it one day.

Be cautious,
cbc




Edited 9/23/2006 9:33 pm ET by cantbecontrolled

Pages